I am no expert on raising girls. You might think that being a girl and having sisters would do something to prepare me, but after spending five years houseparenting in a boys home and then adopting two little sons of my own I was totally unprepared for the unique demands of a little girl. And what a little girl I have!
We got a call from our foster agency that there was a baby that needed a temporary home, maybe just for six weeks. They told us the baby was healthy, but the person giving us the information wasn’t sure if the child was male or female, black, white, or purple, newborn or crawling. This is the strange world of foster care referrals. We kept pressing for more information so we could make an informed decision and eventually some dots got connected- baby girl, five months-old, relatively healthy. That was enough information for us to know we could say yes. Well, I knew we could say yes, Brian needed a little more convincing. That convincing came in the form of a little background information that told us she truly needed a family. Maybe just for six weeks, but she needed us. So we entered the world of sugar and spice and everything nice.
But it wasn’t so nice at first. So much of that had to do with bonding issues (a subject for a different post), but for our family it was also the adjustment to having a little girl in the house. I remember Brian saying, “Do all girls squeal like that?” Good or bad, this girl made a lot of noise! And all of it high-pitched. That was our first glimpse into the differences between this girl and our sons.
Even as a baby she was emotional. E.mo.tion.al. She was very sensitive to the wrong look in her direction or a tone of voice she wasn’t prepared for. She would sob if you set off her emotional radar. Now, I may be a woman but I am rarely accused of being emotional. This was a (sidenote- just had to stop writing to listen to her cry, “I not be a princess anymoooooooooore.” So yes, this is still a current issue) perplexing situation for me. When do you validate that it’s okay to cry, emotions are natural and can be good? When do you encourage a child to learn self-control even over their emotions, especially if those emotions are angry? This little girl has tested my parenting skills in such new and different ways.
So I’ll tell you a couple lessons I’ve learned about raising girls, but it’s very much a class I am continuing to take from a very tiny, able teacher. And I’m not always sure if I’m passing or failing. So I’ll share with you, but I would love for somebody to share their hard-earned wisdom, too.
-I have learned that my daughter may be a very different woman from me. It’s important for me to see those areas where we are different and validate that she doesn’t have to be just like me to be loved or good. I need to expose her to lots of women of character who can be role models for her.
-I need to encourage her relationship with her daddy. She has always had an easier time expressing love and affection towards Brian and I have learned to be okay with that. Brian says he knows he needs to treat me well because he wants his daughter to come to expect that kind of treatment from the man she eventually marries. I call that a win/win.
-I need to invite her into the rituals of womanhood with me. You can call these stereotyped gender roles if you want, but I’ll look for any excuse to communicate to her that we are the women of the family and we are lovely. If that means she has her own make-up toys to play with in the bathroom while I get ready for the day, I’m okay with that. She and I have our morning “coffee” together (she has a mug of water which she insists is coffee, but she’s always hoping I’ll share a little of mine). She loves to snuggle up with a good book next to me while I read. She may not be literate yet, but she knows the value of a snuggly blanket and the feel of a loved book in your hands.
-While she may “just” be a girl now, she has all of the potential for womanhood and I need to be teaching her what it means to value her body and soul the way God made it. That means helping her understand the importance of privacy when it comes to her body and making sure her brothers treat her with respect and gentleness. Even when she lightsabers them in the face. I encourage her to be strong and brave but let her know that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. I know a lot of us grown-up girls need that reminder, too.
There are lots of times I question if I’m doing this all right. The truth is, I’m probably not. But I am so blessed by a daughter who is quick to forgive and unable to hold a grudge. And a God who is just the same way.
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