Pat Robertson and “weird” adopted kids

I guess Pat Robertson has gotten himself in trouble again.  This time it was for giving advice to a woman with three adopted children who was asking why the men she was dating didn’t want to take on the responsibility of her daughters.  According to her, they were okay with the idea of her having biological children, but were bothered by the fact that the kids were from different countries and didn’t come with child support.  Sadly, nobody writes to me for advice on this topic, but if this woman had, this would be my answer:  If God called you to adopt those precious girls, then He can bring a man into your life who is prepared to help you raise them.  That’s really the end of the story.  Do you want a man who doesn’t want your kids?  Especially if they’re implying it has anything to do with receiving child support for them?  Those are not quality guys.  Thank goodness they have been scared off by your kids before you got into a longterm relationship with somebody that flaky.

This was not the direction Mr. Robertson choose to go.  He validated that these guys do not want to parent “the United Nations” and then shared an example of how he knows somebody whose adopted kid grew up “weird” after living in a Colombian orphanage.  So basically, he gave you the exact same answer anybody’s vaguely offensive uncle would have given when you told them you wanted to adopt.  When talking to your uncle, this part of the speech comes right after “but don’t you want to have kids of your OWN” and right before “they’ll probably always want to be back with their real parents”.  Basically, Mr. Robertson answered something way out of his depth.  (I should probably add that my actual uncles are all lovely and didn’t say any of this stuff, but you get my drift.)

I would recommend reading Russell Moore’s beautiful response that really gets to the heart of the matter (www.russellmoore.com/2012/08/17/pat-robertson-vs-the-spirit-of-adoption/), but I want to address *gulp* what Pat Robertson and I might agree about if we weren’t talking about what kind of men this lady should be dating, but were instead talking about what to consider when preparing for older child adoption.

It is heartbreaking that so many children around the world live without a family.  Three of my own precious kids were once called “orphans”- one lived in a West African orphanage and two lived with me since their baby days, but had to wait on a legal system to allow them the chance for permanency.  This is a subject I do NOT take lightly.  But I want to tell you what I find even more heartbreaking than children who have been abandoned by a biological family.  I am especially grieved for the children who have been abandoned by their adoptive parents.  The very people who promised to treat these children as if they were born from their own bodies.  Who may have invested their life savings, who traveled around the world, who went through a mountain of paperwork.  People who wanted so desperately to save a child, but found they were unable to do it.

I don’t want to pass judgement on these families.  In our years working with kids we have dealt with a child or two we realized we did not have the skills to help.  It was devastating.  I can only imagine what it is like to have invested so much only to have to make the decision to disrupt your adoption.  There are people I know who were well informed and educated with a strong commitment to kids who still found themselves in this situation.  So as much as it kills me to say it, Pat Robertson isn’t completely wrong.

There is literal brain damage done when children are institutionalized, malnourished, neglected, exposed to drugs or alcohol prenatally, etc.  These abuses of children leave long-lasting scars and change how a child responds to even normal situations or a loving family.  I am concerned that many families who are motivated out of a desire to “save” a child may take on a situation they are not prepared to handle.  I am grieved to see kids from my son’s birth country sitting in the US foster care system because their adoptive parents got into a situation they weren’t able to handle.  There can be a belief that love and good nutrition are going to fix a child and you know what, sometimes it does!  There are amazing stories of kids who have come from the worst of environments and have been able to have their lives turned around by the love of a competent parent who was willing to walk that road with them.  God absolutely does miracles!  I would never advocate against that possibility.  But you have to ask yourself what you’re willing to risk and be sure your motivations are correct.

My concerns are heightened when a family asks for an older child from an institutional environment and disrupts the family birth order.  I’m absolutely not saying that can’t work or that God doesn’t call some families to do that.  I am saying those families need to take a special look at what they are risking and ask themselves what resources are available to them and what they will do if there are problems.  There needs to be a great degree of education about what kind of coping skills a child will have learned in an institution.  If you needed to lie and manipulate in order to be fed, would you do it?  What if being sexually abused got you favors from others or if sexually abusing other children gave you power?  Instead of assuming that this child is going to be so grateful that you have rescued them from that environment, I feel it’s important to realize that in order to feel safe that child is going to try and replicate the environment they are familiar with.  If that means this child is going to lie to you, try and manipulate you, even physically or sexually abuse the siblings in your home, what are you going to do?  Instead of waiting to think about those things after the events have happened, I think pre adoptive parents need to work out their contingency plans beforehand.  If you aren’t willing to think through those possibilities, then maybe this isn’t the road for you.

I also get frustrated at agencies who seem to turn a blind eye at the potential for problems in these situations.  The ongoing support that’s so necessary for success can evaporate once you bring a child home.  Some agencies require little or no education on what it means to take on a child from an institutional and/or abusive background.  Most agencies will tell you about how wonderful the orphanage is and what great care your child is receiving.  Even in the best of situations sad things can happen.

I don’t want to be discouraging about adoption.  I am SUCH an advocate for adoption and have been so blessed by it in my own life.  Are my kids going to grow up to be “weird”?  Quite possibly.  Probably weird just like me.  Adoption is an amazing journey, but one that no one should enter into lightly.  Are maybe we should all be thankful Pat Robertson hasn’t tried it.