Stay at Home Reality

Have you seen this article in its various forms running around the internet recently? It details how a study by the American Psychological Association determined working moms are healthier and happier than stay-at-home moms. This article gives the reasons why working moms fare better and it’s hard as a stay-at-home mom to not want to yell, “Yeah, BUT. . . ”

In some ways I find it highly offensive to say I’m not as happy or as healthy as my “working” counterparts, but in other ways it’s almost validating. I think we moms talk so often about the emotional benefits– “I love my kids so much”, “I feel so fulfilled”, “I’d be so sad to leave them”– that we don’t acknowledge how tough our job really is. There are absolutely days when somebody has pooped in the living room and then tracked it on the bottom of their foot through the house to the bathroom that I know for a fact I’d be happier if I were working outside the home. This is a thankless job and some days I wish I at least got a paycheck. In today’s society I can be emotionally and physically exhausted by my “job” and still feel like there are people who don’t respect what I do or think of less of me because that’s what I’ve chosen to devote my life to. My husband says when somebody asks him what I do and he says I stay at home the women often respond, “Oh, I could never do that.” I’m not sure how to respond to that. You could never do that because you think it’s a waste of your life? You could never do that because you’d be bored? There are days I want to say “I could never do that” too.

But I don’t stay at home because it makes me happy. I stay at home because for our family it is the right thing to do. I’ve heard several different pastors/authors/speakers use some form of the phrase “God’s greatest desire is not to make you happy, but to make you holy.” I know this is how God has used this season of staying at home with my kids. It has been a very purifying, holy-making experience for me. I have become a much more compassionate and patient person because my life revolves around meeting the needs of these children and helping them become responsible adults. I’m thankful for my years of childlessness when I so longed to be a mother because I have a strong appreciation for these kids who can sometimes be hard to handle.

I know there are women who long to be home with their kids, but they can’t for financial reasons. I hate that for you. I know there are women who love their careers and find fulfillment there. I get that. I’m thankful for the Christian working moms who worked with my kids through the foster care system, who are teachers at my child’s school, who cared for my babies while they were in the hospital, and the list goes on. I also realize there are some situations where kids are blessed to spend some time in appropriate childcare because their moms are lovelier mothers when they’ve had some hours of adult work during the day. Many amazing, God-fearing, responsible adults spent some of their childhood years in daycare. I am not saying I think my situation is right for everybody.

I just think if I’m trying to justify my decision to be at home by saying I’m “happier” or I’m “healthier”, this study backs up what we already instinctively know– it’s just not true. I have to reorient the way I talk about my decision to make motherhood my profession. I do it because it’s right. I do it because it’s best for my kids. I do it because the costs of four kids in childcare are ridiculous. Let’s make it simple– I do it because God asked me to do it. It is a tool he is using to make me holy and to help me cultivate holiness in my kids. What other reason do I need?

Share with me– why do you stay at home? Why do you work outside the home?