You Can Say it Because it’s True

Much has been written about the things NOT to say to people in my world- what NOT to say to adopted kids, transracial families, foster parents, infertile women, etc.  For the most part I am totally behind that, especially because it just seems like common courtesy.  Consider them basic guides to not putting your foot in your mouth.  And nobody needs that kind of instruction more than me.

So as much as I’m supportive of helping people have more awareness on these issues, I did manage to get my hackles up the other day.  I was involved in a conversation with a group of women who have “large” families (averaging 4-6 kids) who were complaining about the things people say to them about their broods.  I can admit that some of these comments border on vulgar (“You do know what causes that, right?”), but I don’t understand all the fuss about the phrase “you’ve sure got your hands full.”  This is a phrase I hear pretty regularly.  And by “regularly” I mean literally every Tuesday at the grocery store.  Sometimes there’s a sweet variation from the guy restocking the produce who says, “you’ve got a lot of helpers.”  Yes. . . helpers. . . But I cannot get through a grocery store trip without some kindly lady saying that dreaded phrase “you’re sure got your hands full”.  I heard these other moms talking about how much they detest that phrase because they feel it implies their kids are burdens.  They found it offensive.  Like, REALLY offensive.  They were talking about these prepackaged responses they now give out when people say that to them to try and set those people straight.  I get that it does carry some implications, but it really doesn’t bother me.  Here’s how I see it:

Let’s be honest- do I have my hands full?  Yes.  That is plainly obvious.  My hands are full, my heart is full, my life is really full in this season.  I treasure these times and know the full blessing of having my hands full, especially after years of infertility and adoption waiting.  When people point out how crazy my life is, I love to use it as an opportunity to tell people how thankful I am for my kids.  I’ll often say, “Oh, I waited a long time to have my hands this full.  We are so blessed.”  It’s not a prepackaged answer to make me feel better, it’s just the truth.

I know that having a large multiracial family does open the door to the curiosity of other people.  If I didn’t intend to be an advocate for adoption, for foster parenting, for having a large family I sure wouldn’t have made these choices.  I realize when we go out in public that we do become something of a spectacle and whether that’s fair or not I try to keep a smile on my face and be a decent human being so I can contribute to helping people develop a positive image of families like mine.  It’s probably not polite for people to stare or ask questions, but the truth is that I would stare, too.  In fact- I do!  On the rare occasions when I’ve been out without my kids I’ve found myself smiling and staring at families like mine before I realize that without the context of my kids I look kind of ridiculous.

I am learning that when someone says something to me about my family I can choose to get sensitive and protective or I can realize this is a human with a soul attempting to make a connection with me.  How do I want to use that opportunity?  In rare cases it may be my God-given responsibility to educate and defend my child (like the time a woman came up to me and after asking a few questions told the sleeping infant on my chest that she’d rather her daughter abort a baby than have it end up in foster care), but most of the time I feel my job is to respond in kindness.  A prepackaged smart-alec response is only going to confirm what they were already thinking- “That lady has her hands full. . . and she needs a nap.”

If I want people to see the joy and value of having a large family, I’ve got to be joyful!  It’s not always easy, but it’s the choice I’m making so God gets the glory for this amazing family He brought together.