Adoption can be a really daunting process to start. It can be a major financial investment and feels so very risky as you decide to love a child you didn’t birth and with the understanding you may experience a lot of heartache before that child ends up in your arms, and maybe after. Once the child is home the parents who worked so hard to bring him home may now find there are problems they didn’t anticipate. They need focused, intensive time to create a family bond with that child. They need a group of people who support them and hold them up in prayer and who work to understand the challenges of adoption.
We have been amazingly blessed by a supportive community who has embraced us and our kids from the start. When Josh arrived home we had two baby showers (one church, one work) to celebrate his arrival. He had been so prayed for by a large group of people who wanted to express their love. We also had a packed courthouse and a party at the park to celebrate the adoptions of our two children from foster care. They were given gifts, balloons, and a group of ladies from our church even decorated our driveway with sidewalk chalk, balloons and signs to show that something special was happening for our family. We are thankful our kids will grow up knowing many adults who welcomed them into their community with open arms.
So to help you develop that same kind of environment where you are, here is my quick list of ways you can be helpful to an adoptive family:
To Do for supporting a pre-adoptive family
-Pray! This can be a scary journey to start and requires SO much wisdom to make the right choices for your family.
-Be understanding of the financial implications and do what you can to help.
-Be respectful of their need to talk about adoption or avoid talking about adoption depending on how they’re feeling.
-Share their joy! Love that child without reservations even if the legal ink isn’t dry yet.
-Offer to help clean for a homestudy visit or watch the kids so parents can fill out paperwork.
-Read “Adopted for Life” by Russell Moore. It’s a great way to come to understand God’s heart for adoption.
-If the wait has been really long, give them some space. Check in about the adoption, but don’t make it the focal point of every conversation.
Don’t Do for supporting a pre-adoptive family
-NO adoption horror stories! Not about adopted kids, not about the process, not about what you heard on the news.
-Do not imply that by adopting they will get pregnant. It equates the adopted child to a fertility treatment that finally get them what they really wanted.
-Ask open questions, but be satisfied if the answers are vague. There often isn’t a clear timeline and the details known about a child prior to their adoption can be minimal and should be closely guarded by the parents.
To Do for supporting an adoptive family
-Pray! Pray especially for healthy bonding to happen and for parents to have an extra measure of grace with this child and with each other.
-Give space to a family with a newly adopted child. The need for bonding is intense and requires a focus on just the family relationships.
-Provide a meal for the family. Just like with a new baby you birthed, a newly adopted child requires your full attention which often leaves little time for making spaghetti.
-Share their joy! Find a way to embrace this new family. A celebratory gift? Flowers? Balloons? A teddy bear for the older siblings?
-In the right situation a baby shower or celebratory party are entirely appropriate. The family with their first baby needs baby supplies, so a shower is a perfect idea. A family adopting their three year-old foster child might enjoy a picnic at the park with family and friends to celebrate.
-If the new parents are struggling, listen. Be validating. Adoption is intensely emotional and if the bonding doesn’t happen easily, there can be a lot of guilt. Parents need to be allowed to vent to trusted friends who will be understanding and affirming of them and their children.
-Be especially kind to older siblings who may feel left-out when all the focus has been on the adoption.
Don’t Do for supporting an adoptive family
-Don’t ask personal questions about the child or their history in front of the child. And be respectful if the parents don’t want to share much information at all.
-Don’t shower the newly adopted child with affection (especially if it is an older child). They need to learn to depend on their parents, trust them, and bond with them first. You don’t want to be interfering in that process.
-Don’t read adoption trauma into every unexpected behavior you see. Give the child time to learn their new environment and the parents time to figure out their child.
-Respect that the usual parenting advice might not apply. The child may be struggling with issues you are not aware of or haven’t experienced before.
Anybody else have tips I left out? I’m happy to hear your feedback.
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