This has been a crazy week! I’ve been so touched by the responses to the honesty that’s been shared here. I’m also excited to do what I most love to do- be practical! I do not have “open” relationships with all of my kids’ parents, but I want you to know I am basing these thoughts on not just my experience with my kids, but also on my experience working with the mothers of our group home kids and on the reading I am doing on birthparent relationships. So with all that in mind, here is my simple list of the practical realities of having a relationship with a birthmom:
1) Open Adoption isn’t as scary as you think.
I was initially uncomfortable with the idea of an “open” relationship. I was worried that birthparents would regret their decision and try to hunt us down. This has not happened. In fact, I was the one looking for the birthfamily’s address so I could open the door to contact. I’m not saying there aren’t going to be uncomfortable moments or boundaries that need to be established, but you have to weigh the discomfort of those difficult moments against the value of leaving the door open for your child to get their questions answered, have accurate medical information, and be reassured of their value by everybody who loves them. It’s a great gift to give to your child.
2) Birthparents matter long after birth.
There are going to be questions. The doctor’s office has lots of questions about medical history that I can’t answer. My child is going to have questions about their heritage I can’t answer. My child is going to want to know why they were placed for adoption and while I can concoct a pretty gentle answer, this may be a story best heard from the woman who made that decision.
3) Honor your birthparent commitments.
The adoption experience has got to be one of the strangest, most extreme changes in a balance of power. The birthparent goes in having ALL the control. A baby changes hands. Documents are signed. Now the adoptive parent has ALL the control. My understanding at this point is even contact agreements between birthparents and adoptive parents are not legally binding or can be modified by the adoptive parents at any point (talk to your lawyer for your state specifics). There is a lot of angst out there about adoptive parents who cut off contact without notifying the birth family. Obviously, that’s going to be hurtful. You always have to do what is in the best interests of your child (and personally, we do not have open relationships with all of our birthfamilies), but when I’m making a decision about engaging in contact or withholding contact, I think about how I will explain this to my adult child and how this birthparent will explain it to the adult child. If the birthparent is unsafe, this may be simple to explain to your adult child. If the contact is just inconvenient or awkward, that may be harder to explain to your child. It may also mean if they have birthparent contact later they may be dealing with a hurt birthparent who is no longer supportive of the decision they made. Bottom line- if you need to modify the kind of contact you originally established, be an adult and talk to the birthparent about it. Do not just cut them out.
4) As much as you love them, sometimes birthparent relationships aren’t possible.
There are some people who aren’t able to raise their children because they are making really unsafe life choices. We love them, but we can’t make better choices for them. In that case, find ways to speak positively about them to your child. NEVER lie, but find the positives- did she have pretty eyes, a sweet smile, did she try her best to parent, love animals, have cute shoes, call her baby “cutie pie”? Find ways to express love for this woman even if she is struggling. Draw boundaries that keep your child safe, but maybe there’s a stable grandparent who would be a good contact person who could help you keep the door open for contact if the birthparent is able to be safe in the future. Over time, share appropriate information as your child asks the specifics of her adoption or her birthfamily. Your child should be given all of the information you have by the time they leave your home (age 18).
5) Let your kids ask the questions.
Tell your kids their adoption story early. Before they’re old enough to know how awkward it makes you feel and how you accidentally used insensitive adoption language and how you broke down weeping. Tell them before they’re old enough to know any other reality. But let those nitty gritty details come at the times your kids are thinking those thoughts and ready for the answers. A good rule of thumb- answer the question they’re asking. Nothing more. Nothing less. If it leads to more questions- answer those questions, too. Respect that your kids may have times they want to talk about it and times they don’t.
6) Your child’s feelings may have little to do with reality- and that’s okay.
As you talk about adoption with your child they may have feelings that don’t correspond with the truth. They may feel rejected or abandoned. They may have an unrealistic view of what life with their parents could have been like. You know what- I’m going to let them feel that. We can talk about why they feel that way. What they’re working through. I can affirm what’s true and offer them information that could help them understand. But I’ve got to respect that sometimes there is going to be a feeling I can’t reason away and may not be able to identify with about their birthfamily and that’s when I just need to be there as a support.
7) Adoptive parents have an obligation to stand up for birthparents and adoptee rights.
Do the reading. Does your child have a right to view their original birth certificate? What about adults adopted through closed adoptions in your state? Do you think they should have the ability to have accurate information about their birth history? Is it demeaning that your state government is deciding who has access to their own personal information? What about when you hear someone talking about “crack moms” or they say something nasty about pregnant teens who just “give their babies away”? How are you going to respond? As an adoptive parent you need to be aware of these issues and be willing to fight for the rights of your child, other adopted individuals, and for respect for the woman who gave your child life.
8) It matters that you do it “right”.
I often think about my kids having a long conversation with their biological family. What will that conversation be like? I want my kids to be respectful. To be loving. To have healthy boundaries. To ask questions and show interest. I want their birthmoms to feel confident that they made the right decision. To show that child love and acceptance. To be proud of who they have become. All of those desires factor into how I address the birthparent conversations with my kids. I want to model being respectful, loving, initiating questions and conversation and having healthy boundaries. I want to set a loving and accepting tone with that birthmom that helps her know who her child is becoming so she can feel that same pride I have. In each interaction I have the opportunity to help set the stage for what the future relationship looks like between these two people who are so important to me and I take that responsibility very seriously.
Any wisdom from other experienced adoptive parents or birthmoms out there? Any other questions?
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