Yesterday I began the story of how I came to have peace about having a relationship with a birthmom (if you haven’t read it yet, you can catch up over here www.amusingmaralee.com/2012/11/thoughts-about-birthmoms-part-1/). Part of that story included friendships with Shayla and Rebecca- two amazing women who placed daughters for adoption when they were in high school. They have been my go-to girls when I have struggled with the realities of adoption or needed to understand something from a birthmom point of view. They have been an amazing encouragement and help to me and I know you’re going to be so blessed by their stories. I sent them the questions and they sent me back these beautiful and insightful answers. I have edited them for form, but the content is entirely theirs. I intended to cut a couple questions, but after reading through these responses I couldn’t find one I could part with. If you read through their thoughts, I’d really appreciate it if you could leave them a message in the comments so they know their voices have been heard. Their honesty and openness is such a gift to all of us in the adoption discussion.
Can you briefly give us the circumstances around your adoption experience?
Rebecca- I was 17, a Jr in HS. Thought I was in love! Living in an upper middle class neighborhood with a boyfriend from the “other side of the tracks”
Shayla- As a child, I experienced some sexual abuse that created a lot of anger in me as a teenager. I took that anger out on my mother and brothers though they had nothing to do with it. When I was a senior in high school everything came to a head, and I moved out of my mother’s house and in with my boyfriend. I became pregnant not long after but I continued to go to both full-time school and work. I was about 5 months along when my mother found out, and she’s the one who first brought up the idea of adoption.
How did you know you weren’t ready to parent?
Rebecca- My parents TOLD me I wasn’t. They said if I kept the baby I would 100% be on my own and not living in their house or getting money. When you are 17 having everything stripped away from you is a pretty scary thing! I was selfish and was freaked out that this had happened. So the thought of my parents pulling away from me kind of scared me into reality.
Rebecca- I get yearly updates. I write to her parents and I am not sure if they have given her the letters or not. They may be saving them for when she is older. Her parents send me pictures, videos and drawings. We have all decided that if there will be a reunion it will be her choice, in her time.
Rebecca- I think there is a huge misconception of Adoption on both sides! The rumor of birth moms regretting their decisions and stalking the families…it may happen but not often. For every one of those stories I can tell you 10 women like me who had great experience and have a loving support team. It is the same as the adoption side of things when people say, “Why would you want to adopt their ‘problems?’” for every 1 horror story I know 10 amazing stories. People are closed minded and think that Lifetime movies are the norm. Not so much.
The reason we are now foster parents is I feel that we need to pay it forward. I had such a great experience and the adoptive parents were able to give her so much more than I ever could. Although we cannot fly our children around the world on vacations we can show love, give, teach life lessons. So even if only for a season we can be that family that is willing to love the children.
Rebecca- I am sure everyone has days they wonder “what if”…I have done that in MANY aspects of my life. But I look at the life I have now and know without any doubt it would not exist if I had kept her. I think this mindset has come with age, education, and experience!
Remember too what I said earlier about when it is “New”. It is every thought you have. You want to share your story. No one asks you about anything because you don’t have a baby by your side and you are no longer showing. So as an immature teenager, you miss the ATTENTION not necessarily the baby. What better way to get attention then to talk about how you were FORCED and then people become drawn in to your story. I don’t know why our society prefers watching train wrecks …Train wrecks sell more. Look at EVERY Lifetime movie on TV.
I really encourage you to stay away from those blogs [of angry birthparents]. I am in the business of sales and clients always ask us what they can do to get bad reviews off their businesses name. My response is always the same… People who write bad reviews are the minority! The people who are happy and content and even pleased with the experience don’t think to tell anyone about it.
Rebecca- Speaking from a teenage birth mom…Be patient! Know that with anything new, it’s going to get and need a lot of attention the first year or 5 . Send letters, pictures and answer questions. But over the course of a lifetime birth mom will move on (so to speak). She will one day have kids when it’s her turn to be a mommy and although she will never forget about her adopted child the focus will change and the “newness” will fade. She will have new “newness” and the thoughts will lessen.
Rebecca- I had older women coworkers who were such great support. All were married with kids of their own and I think having that older woman (who was not my mom) to sound off ideas and get reality checks from was a huge help!
My advice would be to know your limits (pray about it…HARD)! Can you handle the open adoption? Can you be happy that your child is happy? Being friends with some ladies who chose CLOSED adoption, I have seen them struggle. I have been able to see development through the years and have seen how they wish they new SOMETHING about their child. I am 100% for OPEN adoption! But have a plan with the adoptive parents as to how open you want/need it to be. Pictures? How often? Letters? How often? Meetings? How often? As an open adoption you could simply clarify that you want the records open for when the child is old enough to look for you but have no part of their growing up. Really think about what you want and need!
The person that was most instrumental was my mother. By simply saying I support you no matter what decision you make, it freed me up to truly make my own decision. Not one based on rebellion or fear.
Rebecca- I want most for her to know she was givin up for love! As cheesy as it sounds Dolly Partons “I will always love you” is the PERFECT song for me…
If I should stay
Well, I would only be in your way
And so I’ll go, and yet I know
That I’ll think of you each step of my way
And I will always love you
I will always love you
Bitter-sweet memories
That’s all I have, and all Im taking with me
Good-bye, oh, please don’t cry
Cause we both know that Im not
What you need
I will always love you
I have never written to her directly (Perhaps I should) but I always write to her mom and dad and voice my thoughts and cares!
While I haven’t had the opportunity to communicate these sentiments yet, when the time comes I’ll tell her everything she wants to know- or maybe I’ll just send her a link to this post 😉 .
Rebecca- LOL, Yes, This question makes me laugh because of 1 question that was asked when we interviewed them! I asked about them adopting other children and they wanted to know my thoughts on it (again 17yr old SELFISH me responded) I said “Please don’t adopt anymore kids. I want 100% of your focus on her!” They never did (I hope it was not because of me or my answer). I now look at my kids all playing together and think big families are AWESOME! I wish she had siblings. Someone to share her life with.
I actually don’t remember the legal part of it. I put together a scrap book with pictures from the hospital and cards I had received as well as have received MANY pictures over the years. I don’t have any of that I would change.
Shayla- I had to decide before she was born how much contact I wanted afterwards. I thought it would be really hard to get pictures and letters so I said I only wanted a few updates a year and didn’t want to visit for the first few years. Turns out that’s exactly opposite of what I wanted. So the contact agreement was effectively thrown out the window and we simply played it by ear. In the first year alone there were many pictures sent and several visits planned. Thankfully in my case her parents were willing to adjust. I made sure I was respectful of their boundaries, and they were more than willing to meet me where I was at. I know that agreements are important, but I really wish a “let’s just see how we feel” clause could be added in.
I would definitely tell a birthmother to initially ask for more contact than less in the agreement. You can always pull back if it’s to hard, but most adoptive parents would probably see it as an intrusion if you start asking for a lot more.
Does your daughter have any relationship with her birthfather? Have you maintained contact with them?
Rebecca- He and I did have a relationship for a while. He is a great guy! We were just young and stupid. He married a number of years ago and his new wife wanted him to have nothing to do with me. She cut off all contact we had. Due to this I am not sure if he has a relationship with our daughter or not. Again, time changes things.
Shayla- I have tried to keep up with him over the years. For years we wouldn’t keep regular contact, but I would track him down every so often just to make sure I knew where he was. Now thanks to facebook, that’s much easier. While we don’t communicate much, I am friends with his wife on facebook, so if I do need to get a hold of him I can.
He and our daughter don’t have a relationship now, but she has just as much access to him if she wants.
Do you run into negative stereotypes about birthmothers or adoption? How do you combat that?
Rebecca- Of course! People don’t get it! They think they know everything about everything and I know they don’t know anything about anything (my favorite phrase). Just like any area of your life, people think they know how you should do or should have done whatever! It has taken many years, but now I just smile at their ignorance and thank them for their concern.
Shayla- The only negative feedback I’ve ever gotten came when I was still pregnant. A handful of times I would tell someone my plans, and they felt the need to tell me what a huge mistake I was making. None of these people had any actual knowledge about the adoption world so it was easy to ignore them. Once she was born, and the decision was final, people tended to be supportive. A few times I’ve gotten into conversations with someone who didn’t know my history and they were bad mouthing the entire adoption culture. Once I responded with actual facts and experience, they always did some serious back peddling. I’ve yet to run into someone who is knowledgable and experienced in the adoption arena that feels negatively towards it.
How did you process the grief of the adoption experience? What was the hardest part? How did you come to have peace about it?
Rebecca- I did seek counseling when I first gave her up! I think grieving a loss is extremely important. Our church offered a counseling course called Greif Share and I would recommend it to anyone going through any kind of loss. Time heals all wounds and I now look at this incredible life that I could have never given her and I am so thankful for her parents and the life they have given her.
Shayla- As with most major losses in life, the grief process takes a lifetime. In the beginning it seems you’ll be overwhelmed with emotion. Over time you remember why you made the decision you did and you start trying to move forward. I think this was the hardest part for me – moving forward. I felt guilty for trying to be happy and make something of myself. I went to college, but felt like the more I enjoyed myself the more heartless I was being. I remember breaking down in my dorm room my first semester. I was really upset and felt so alone because I didn’t know a single person who could understand what I was dealing with. Through my tears I told God “even you don’t understand what it’s like to give up your child”. I immediately realized he in fact did understand exactly what it felt like. Needless to say, that brought on more tears. Though now I was crying for God’s pain. I placed my child in the arms of a loving family. His child was nailed to a cross. That thought was more overwhelming than any thought or feeling I’d had to date. The entirety of the gospel hit me that night and it was a turning point in my healing. I had peace about the decision from early on, but that night was the first night I had peace about moving forward with my life.
Now that I am raising a child of my own, I am going through much of the grief process all over again. Many a tear has dropped on my infant son’s head because I was so happy to have him, yet so sad I missed so much of my daughter’s life. I have faith though that God will continue to give me a peace about this next stage of my life, just like he did that night in my dorm room.
How will you feel or how will you handle it if as adults your kids don’t pursue a relationship with you?
Rebecca- It will be heartbreaking! I pray all the time that she will want to meet me one day and that my family can meet her. However, I left the choice up to her so I have to respect her wishes. She is 17 this year so the next few birthdays may be harder because I know she will be 18 and I will be hoping she makes contact with me (but again that will be NEW that she has the freedom to do that so time will tell after the newness wears off.)
Shayla- I would be disappointed, no doubt. I know what I signed up for though. If she chooses not to pursue a relationship, then I have to believe it’s for the best. I may not understand it, but I don’t have to. I simply have to trust that she is a smart, capable adult, and if that’s her choice, then she has a good reason for making it. I’ll simply have to ask God to give me a peace about that as well.
Now that you are a parent to other children, how have you talked to them (or how do you plan on talking to them) about your adoption decision? How did your spouse handle this information?
Rebecca- We have always talked about her. We have a picture up and pray for her often. My children think of her like a Compassion International child. My oldest has asked a few questions and I am thankful I only have to answer them on a 10 year old level. My spouse is amazing! When I first told him we were dating and I needed to be sure that if she knocked on the door one day he would let her in. He has embraced her as if she is his own. He gets equally excited when we get letters and updates. He supports me on my sad days (which are not often but do happen). I think honesty is so important in a marriage and I would recommend that you tell your spouse EVERYTHING about your adoption.
Shayla- My husband found out while we were in college and still only friends. I was pretty open about everything, so most of my friends knew. By the time we got serious in our 30’s it was simply part of who I was.
How will I tell my kids? I have no idea. I know I will be as open and honest as I can given their age at the time. I would love for my kids to have a relationship with her, but only time will tell how that will work out.
At what point in a relationship with a friend do you feel comfortable talking about adoption? Have you ever had any negative reactions when someone found this out about you?
Rebecca- People always reply the same way… “I am sorry!” It makes me giggle! There is nothing to be sorry about! I am very at peace with my choice. I have no problem telling anyone about her. I have talked at our church, at youth group, and in front of the entire congregation about choices, pro life, forgiveness and judgment. I might be a rare find but I am not ashamed at all about her or the choice to give her up.
Shayla- I’m really open about the adoption. I’ll tell anyone. There were times though that someone would ask an innocent question, not realizing the answer required part of my testimony. The question I was asked a lot recently was “Is this your first child/pregnancy”. I usually just said yes, because they were simply trying to make conversation, not ask about my life history. If the relationship continued past that one conversation, I usually found a way to work it in. I HATED feeling like I’d lied about it, though I didn’t want to be to egocentric either. I’ve never had any negative reactions, at least to my face.
How do you feel about seeing pictures of your kids via social media?
Rebecca- I have no problem with her being a part of her family! Social media is tricky and is new to the adoption process. I am not facebook friends with her or her mom and dad but I know she has a page and would be lying if I said I have never looked at it. I would have to really think about it, but my first thought is that I think that would be a little too “Open” for me to be friends with her on social media. She needs to be able to live her life (and I mine) without having to think about how this may affect each other.
Shayla- I love it! I love being able to watch her grow and experience life. Every time I see a picture where she is smiling, or goofing off with her friends and family it makes my day. I want to see how much she loves everyone in her life – it makes every tear was worth it.
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