So I had a new post all ready to go about how to help a friend deal with their infertility. It seemed like the right next step after writing about the shame we feel as we struggle through those barren feelings. But then I read and reread that post and realized I’d just left all of us sitting in the shame. Tips for friends about how to support, but what about the tips for us in dealing with those feelings? So here are some brief thoughts on working through that pain. Really- I know this doesn’t come close to touching those deep hurts, but I’m very much a practical person and I wanted to give some practical ideas about moving forward. (and we’ll have that post up about how to support a friend later this week)
1) You won’t always feel this way. I think pain is like a bad smell- at first you think you’ll never get over it, but with time you almost start to forget it ever existed. Almost. The pain doesn’t go away completely, but it doesn’t always have the sharp bite it once did. Of course, things like parenthood through adoption and surprise pregnancies sure help, but we know there are no guarantees about those things. Just take heart that time will help you heal as long as you don’t hang on to bitterness. And you might be surprised to find even after becoming a parent the infertility pain hangs around like an old friend. It takes on a new character- a life lesson you’ve learned that you wouldn’t trade for anything.
2) Don’t cast your pearls before swine (i.e. it’s okay to have discretion). Not everybody is entitled to hear your story. When people ask nosey questions about why you aren’t pregnant yet, you don’t have to tell them anything you don’t feel comfortable saying. This is a very private issue and you are entitled to maintain your privacy, especially if you feel like somebody would respond to it in a way that would bring you more shame.
3) Remember breast cancer. Breast cancer used to have a stigma because of the specific body part it involves. Women didn’t want to talk about it because it felt shameful. Now we wear pink, participate in walks to raise money, and buy pink toaster ovens to support breast cancer research. (*I know there is some level of controversy about these things, but I’m assuming you’re following my train of thought in spite of that) What if we started talking about HEALING infertility the way we talk about treating breast cancer? What if we weren’t ashamed of our treatments and were willing to talk publicly and openly about what we’re dealing with? Could we create a desire for more ethical options for healing infertility? Could we inspire doctors, researchers, fundraisers to get to work on solving the issues causing infertility instead of just focusing on creating test tube babies? Could we help people to see this as a medical problem with consequences beyond just childlessness? Could we inspire health insurance companies to cover infertility treatments the same way they cover birth control? Could we help eliminate the shame for our daughters and granddaughters that may someday fight this battle? As I said above, we don’t need to share our story in situations where it feels uncomfortable, but by being brave about this issue we may have a better chance at making change.
4) You need a support team. However you feel about the level of openness that feels right to you, be sure you have a couple people on your team while you walk through this. A few trusted friends or family members who you can trust to support you and encourage you during this tough time are an absolute necessity. I’d also highly recommend seeking out (or starting!) a support group for women who are going through infertility or pregnancy loss. It is such a sisterhood and can best be understood by those who are traveling the same road with you. Knowing you have women who know where you’re coming from and are praying for you is a great way to help battle the shame you can feel if you’re isolated.
5) Don’t let a wedge develop with your spouse. I’m sure there’s a lot more I need to write about this topic, but here I just want to say that men and women typically process infertility differently. It is especially difficult when you feel like your spouse is the one person who should understand this situation the same way you do since you’re experiencing it together, but that isn’t your reality. Give your spouse space to grieve the way he needs to. Be honest about your needs and be sure you’re not depending on your spouse to meet every emotional need for you. This is where having a close friend or two is really important. Depending on why you’re infertile it may be especially important to have a friend outside the marriage you can talk to. If your spouse feels the infertility is their “fault”, it may be difficult for them to let you grieve the way you need to. Don’t let shame keep you from being honest with each other or with others who could help you deal with your marital issues.
6) God sees your shame, He understands it and He longs to remove it. This has been one of my favorite Bible passages during the times when my body and my heart felt the most barren. I hope it is an encouragement to you the way it’s been an encouragement to me. (I’ve added my own emphasis)
Isaiah 54:1-8
“Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,”
says the Lord.
“Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.
“Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
For your Maker is your husband—
the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected,” says your God.
“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord your Redeemer.