For all the complexities of infertility, this post may be surprisingly short. Supporting an infertile (or “intermittently fertile” as I jokingly call myself since I’ve been able to get pregnant, but had difficulty carrying to term) friend is just a process of learning to be sensitive to their issues. Here’s a quick cheat-sheet of how to make that happen:
1) Listen to her– Sometimes she’ll want to talk about it, sometimes she’ll want to talk about anything else. Take her lead and be careful not to finish her sentences. You might be surprised by what you learn.
2) Be tactful when letting her know about your pregnancy– Pregnancy announcements can be really hard for the infertile woman. Sometimes it’s best to give her a heads-up before you tell everybody so she can process it and get to that supportive place by the time you make it general news. She may also value being able to pray for you and your baby during those precarious first weeks. I know all women are different, but I prefer a written heads-up that allows me to process and respond in my own time.
3) Show sensitivity about your pregnancy woes– If someone can’t get pregnant, they may not be the person you should express your pregnancy complaints to. Don’t leave them out of conversations, but just have discernment about what you discuss in front of them.
4) Baby showers should be optional– It may be really tough for an infertile woman to attend a party that celebrates pregnancy. For some women (especially adoptive moms) it’s easier to attend a shower if the baby is already born since that doesn’t seem to be so pregnancy related and more a celebration of life. A woman may have seasons where she loves baby showers and seasons where they’re really painful. Feel free to invite her (don’t exclude!), but be sure she knows you understand if she wants to express her support in other ways rather than attending a party.
5) Resist the urge to give her answers– Saying it will all work together for good may just feel like you aren’t okay with her grief. Let her be sad and be sad with her. She’ll come up with her answers on her own in the right time and you may be blessed to learn from her wisdom gained through trials.
6) Don’t tell her to “relax”– Let me say it again- DON’T TELL HER TO “RELAX”. This is the least helpful bit of “advice” an infertile woman is likely to hear over and over again from just about anybody who hears of her infertility. “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant”, “I had this friend that once they stopped trying BOOM they got pregnant”, “If you just took a vacation and relaxed I bet you’d come back pregnant”, “You know, people always get pregnant after they adopt because they relax about it”, etc. (for the record- you are NOT statistically more likely to get pregnant after adopting) Just take a minute and analyze this piece of advice- you are telling her that the infertility is really her fault because she’s so uptight. You know what’s going to make a woman uptight? Having people tell her she’s causing her own infertility. Even if you truly believe “relaxing” is the magic cure, you are actually going to make that one step further from happening by saying it out loud and adding to your friends feelings of stress, failure, shame, and self-condemnation. Forgive me for being strong on this point, but it continues to shock me how often I hear this. I’m hoping soon we’ll be able to let that little gem go.
7) Have happy times together– Infertility can make a normally happy lady pretty sad, a spontaneous woman extremely scheduled, a loving marriage tension-filled. Help your friend get her mind off the tough stuff every once in a while with a fun evening focused on something other than fertility (hers or yours).
Let me wrap this all up by thanking you. If you’re the best friend with a shoulder to cry on who hears every day about temperature fluctuations and is getting an education in fertility meds and hormone issues- bless you. We aren’t always pleasant to be with as we try to make sense of it all, but we are learning and growing which will hopefully make us even better friends in the long-run. Husbands are fantastic, but often don’t understand all the emotions involved in this. I’m so thankful for every woman who has a precious friend/sister/mom walking alongside her through it all. You’re the best.
For infertile women and their friends- what would you add to this list? What has helped you feel supported? How have you been able to create openness in your relationship? What has convinced you that a particular person wasn’t a good confidant in this situation?
(here’s my post on why infertile couples feel shame)
(and here’s my post on how you can battle that shame)
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