No one is a perfect parent. We struggle and strive and want to do right, but so often find ourselves failing. That can leave us in a tricky predicament—when is it necessary to apologize to your kids? The conclusions I come to may not be the conclusions you come to, but I wanted to share my thoughts with you in two parts (Part 2 will be about why you should apologize to your kids and will be posted tomorrow). You can also listen to my radio interview on parenting and confession. And feel free to leave your feedback in the comments section!
Don’t apologize to your kids (when they’re little)
When you are raising itty bitty kids you are bound to make some mistakes. Maybe you react harshly in a situation that outside the heat of the moment you realize wasn’t as bad as you thought. Maybe you gave a major consequence to a minor offense. Whatever it may be, it leaves you feeling guilty. In that moment you may feel like apologizing to your child is the right way to go. I think maybe you don’t have to.
A generation or two ago parents NEVER apologized. I don’t think that was right. It is important for our kids to know we take responsibility for our actions. BUT I think the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. I have seen parents apologize to a child while the child is slapping them in the face. I have seen parents apologize for appropriately disciplining their child. I have seen parents apologize for setting healthy limits that upset their child. I think especially for moms with sensitive hearts there is a desire to apologize any time they do something their kids don’t like. We can feel guilty because our kids aren’t happy so we apologize to win their favor. In this case the apology is more about us and less about them. It is more about us wanting to be liked than about us actually sinning and needing forgiveness. This is what I object to. I think there may even be times when it’s okay for us to be strong with our children and not sound like a parenting handbook. If my child has said, “Mom mom mom mom mom mom” and poked me in the leg 87 times while I’m on the phone with the doctor’s office AND changing a diaper, he should not expect me to be super pleasant and composed when it’s time to deal with him. I am not an angry parent, so I’m not going to struggle as much with the temptation to yell and scream like some parents do, but I am going to be serious and it might hurt his feelings. I’m okay with that. I think this is part of teaching them to treat you with respect.
I am not my child’s peer and at this age I am not interested in being best buddies. There are times they don’t like the choices I make for their good and I am not interested in apologizing to them about it even when they find those choices upsetting. Kids are master manipulators (God love ’em, bless their hearts) and if we cave and apologize not because we actually did something wrong, but because they made us feel bad, we will quickly lose our parenting authority. I have said to my kids, “I’m sorry you made that choice. That’s sad for everybody when you make an unwise choice and have to have a consequence” which is different from saying, “I’m sorry I have to give you a consequence.” I am not going to say, “I’m sorry we have to leave the park”, but I am going to say, “I know it’s hard for you to leave the park.” It’s good to acknowledge when our kids are sad, but that doesn’t mean we apologize for setting limits or disciplining negative behavior. Maybe this seems like a semantics game, but I can’t help it—I love language and it matters to me to get it right.
A child’s trust in his parent is a very important thing. You work hard to build that up and you want your child to know you are consistent and faithful to your word. If we are constantly coming to them with apologies we may make them question whether we are people worth trusting. We need some healthy parent/child boundaries. If they feel we are often wrong (because we’re frequently apologizing), why wouldn’t they feel comfortable openly questioning our decisions? We are giving them an authority role in our lives they don’t need. It is a great weight to carry the knowledge that our parents aren’t perfect. It can make us feel unsafe, even as we get closer to adulthood and we’ve reached an appropriate time for that awareness. How much scarier is that for the child who can’t yet tie his own shoes?
It is important that we are able to have a community around us where we feel confident confessing our parenting sins. For me, that’s a great group of moms who understand what the struggle is like and can give me accountability. That’s where I can go to deal with the guilt in my heart (along with prayer and honest talks with my husband) without expecting my kids to give me absolution. I’m also thankful there are times when those friends will help me to understand the guilt was misplaced. I may have been feeling bad because my child felt bad, but that doesn’t mean I did the wrong thing. Sometimes you need a trusted mom friend to help you see things from a different perspective.
Are you worried your kids will think YOU think you’re perfect? I have found my kids love stories about when I was naughty as a kid. It helps them know they aren’t alone. You understand how hard it is to choose right, especially when you’re little. You were disciplined just like they are being disciplined (and by Grandma, which they find hilarious). You had to learn from those consequences so you could make right choices as an adult. Let your kids know you empathize with them, but don’t make them carry the weight of your current imperfections. That’s not their job.
This also requires a great deal of discretion. Your child may confront you with your failings and you have to decide what is the best way to deal with that. There was a time when my son thought it was his job to confront me if he heard me say the word “stupid” since he knew he wasn’t allowed to say it. Of course, I wasn’t calling anyone stupid, but I would use that word on occasion, usually about a decision I’d made or about something the dog did. The first time he did it, it was cute. The fourth time I told him, “That’s not your job. You are not Mommy’s boss.” This is a tough line to walk sometimes. We want our kids to be learning how to accurately discern between good and evil. It is positive to see them using those skills, BUT they can become pretty sassy and disrespectful when they start to think it’s their job to find your failings. Of course, if there are times when they are rightly discerning a problem area of yours, you may need to be humble enough to acknowledge it while still validating your role of authority in their life. Then find a trusted friend or confide in your spouse about your need for accountability in that area.
There are times when it is totally right and appropriate to apologize to your kids (of course!). If you made a wrong assumption and disciplined the wrong child. If you unintentionally injured your child (stepped on their toes, bumped into them while passing, etc.). If you accidentally said an inappropriate word in front of them. There are lots of times when it’s okay to let them know you aren’t perfect, but if your emotions are wrapped up in guilt about a parenting decision that’s when I think it’s important to hash that out with another adult and not with your child.
*I realize this is controversial and there may need to be some clarifications added, but I hope you can wait to hear what’s coming tomorrow before deciding I’ve lost my mind 🙂
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