Foster Moms, you have a hard job. I know you know that. Nobody gets into this thinking it will be simple and easy. We instinctively know it’s going to be a challenge to win the heart of a child who has been through some kind of trauma, but I remember when it dawned on me why it was sometimes harder for me than it was for my husband.
Our first experience raising kids was when we were houseparenting at a children’s home. We worked with boys ages 6-18. I remember after a few months of this experience having the frustrating realization that Brian was having all the fun and I was dealing with all the emotional drama. The boys were always looking for Brian’s approval and wanting to do “man stuff” with him- playing basketball, working in the garden, playing video games, or just hanging out with him. He was like a celebrity. I felt like I got the roller coaster treatment- sometimes they were so affectionate and sweet, some days they were angry and short-tempered. And I often found that one came right after the other. WHY?
It took me awhile to realize that for lots of these boys, having a trustworthy man in the house was almost a novelty. The vast majority had grown up in homes headed by single women. Brian was a new kind of figure in their lives. They wanted him to love them and were very sensitive to his corrections. It is so good for these kids to have a positive male presence in their lives.
But being the foster mom is different. These kids HAD moms. They had moms they loved and worried about and felt guilty for leaving. They were used to fighting with a mom, used to dealing with an unpredictable mom (sometimes sweet and sober, sometimes angry and drunk), used to compensating for a mom who needed mothering herself. Many of these women weren’t just intentionally making bad choices, they were the victims of abuse in their own childhoods or the cycle of generations of bad parenting. These were women I loved.
So it was difficult for these boys to learn to trust me. I had to be gentle with them, but 100% consistent in my expectations. I had to be so conscious not to raise my voice or speak to them in anger. I was physically affectionate whenever it was appropriate and encouraged them in their positive progress. And just when I’d start to tear down some of their walls, they’d get angry and shut me out.
This is what it’s like when you’re “the other woman” in the life of a child. When you’ve done all you can to build a relationship and establish trust, that’s when a child may start to feel guilty. They realize they love you and that’s not a comfortable place to be. Now you can hurt them because they care about you. They’re worried their moms will know.
How can you overcome this hangup in bonding with a foster child? For me it was always important to validate the love the child has for their parents. As much as I could create a sense of camaraderie and teamwork between me and the mom I would try to do it. If you set yourself up as the “good guy” and talk about their mother as though she is the “bad guy” you are asking for trouble. Kids are hard-wired to love their moms and it takes A LOT to break that. Thank goodness! We moms frequently mess up and it’s a blessing our kids are as loyal and forgiving as they are. Just remember, if you put yourself on one side and the mom on the other, the child is going to side with the mom and you’ll be standing there by yourself. You need to be on the same side working for what’s best for the child.
It’s good to realize this woman is more likely to trust the decisions you’re making for her child if she knows and trusts your heart. There is a big obstacle to overcome- you are loving her child while she has been told she isn’t good enough to parent right now. She’s going to feel resentful, angry, hurt, and rightfully so! You can make a difference in how she feels about this situation by treating her with respect. Be kind. Talk to her like a peer when possible. If she knows you’re in her corner it’s going to be easier for her to support the decisions you’re making for her child and she’ll be able to give that child her blessing to thrive in your home.
This isn’t about manipulation. This is about basic human dignity and treating people the way you would want to be treated.
For some of us we feel a righteous anger towards these parents. We struggle with knowing what this child went through, the scars they will carry for the rest of their lives (physical and emotional) and we can’t help but want to see the parents suffer or be punished. I have totally been there. And I still have moments where that wells up in me when I see the long-term issues these precious kids continue to struggle with. I just want to remind you that these things rarely happen in a vacuum. You may be feeling intense anger towards a woman who was a victim herself. It absolutely doesn’t excuse her behavior, but sometimes it helps me to think about this woman’s childhood and the terrible coping skills she had to learn that helped her survive but have now handicapped her in dealing with her life. There may be an appropriate time when you’re working with older kids to help them understand things from that perspective. They may have their own anger they need help working through. It’s okay to validate their feelings while helping them understand things from their mom’s point of view. Even kids who express a lot of anger at their moms still need to know the positives about their parent. It is difficult to think highly of yourself when you think so low of the woman you came from. They don’t need to have an untrue or unrealistically positive idea about their mothers, but they may need your help interpreting the information they know to create a realistic picture of who she is.
I know there aren’t any sure-fire cures for feeling like “the other woman” in a child’s life. This is a tough situation and it requires so much humility, discernment, and grace from foster moms. I want to validate that if you’re feeling like this is hard- it is! You can’t fix it, but doing your best to get on the same team as this child’s mother can go a long way towards helping both of them accept your role in their lives.
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