Don’t Treasure Every Moment

I just ran across another one of those posts telling me to treasure these days and not get so worked up about being a perfect parent.  I get it.  I really do.  I know I have said similar things even here on this blog about how I have relaxed some as a parent and how I am having an easier time treasuring the little milestones of my fourthborn rather than stressing about doing everything “right”.  I think that’s kind of a universal lesson of motherhood as we progress through the years.

Of course it’s lovely to think about how precious and sweet these days are.  It’s nice to hear that affirmed by moms who are a little farther down the road.  Wouldn’t we all like to stop time at the sweet and fun moments of mothering—the baby sleeping on your chest, the bath splashes, the swings at the park on a sunny day.  I appreciate how these posts also talk about giving yourself some grace during the difficult times.  I’m sure there are lots of moms that are blessed to hear that message and feel it really resonates with them and their struggles.  I don’t want to take away from the good that it’s doing for them.

But that’s not how it struck me.

It’s nice and all, but I just want to ask those lovely ladies telling me to appreciate every moment to BACK OFF.  We get it.

It can feel like one more level of guilt for the fact that I can’t get everything right.  If my kid throws a tantrum I should be totally serene and treasuring the memory of her adorable kicking of the wall because someday she’ll be off to college?  And if I just sit back and bask in how cute it is when she scratches her brother in the face because she didn’t get her way, exactly how wonderful of a teenager do I expect her to be?  Not only am I supposed to clean up after the child who pooped in the bathtub, I’m supposed to think of how fleeting these days are and not let it bother me?  You’re advising me to turn off my normal human responses and ooze some kind of nostalgia before I’ve even gotten to the point where everybody can feed themselves so I can drink a cup of coffee before it’s gone cold.  It’s such a nice idea, but I don’t know what kind of saint can pull this off.  Certainly not this guy (points to self).

Parenting a bunch of little kids (or even one little kid) is exhausting.  You’re cleaning, you’re laundering, you’re correcting and training, you’re cooking, you’re working, you’re not sleeping or getting regular showers.  It’s tough and just because it’s tough doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong or being too uptight.  We all love those precious moments when the world stops spinning long enough for us to notice how adorable their giggles are and how their hair curls when they sweat in their sleep.  Even when we’re crazy frustrated at how the six month-old can manage to shoot poop out the back of his diaper all the way up to his neck, we can still look at his one month pictures and weep at how adorable and tiny he was and how we wish we could kiss those squishy new cheeks again.

WE GET IT.

We get that these days are short.  We stumble to each bedtime and wonder where that day went and then all of the sudden it’s their birthday again and we can’t figure out how that happened.

But you know what, the hours are LONG.  At least, any hour the kids are awake.  It’s an endurance test to make it from breakfast to nap time and hopefully we get an hour to catch our breath, shove some food down our throats and get ready to do it again until dinner.  And we love the craziness and as soon as the first kid is able to buckle their own carseat we’re dreaming about making/adopting/fostering a new one.  We love our kids and get such joy from them, but that doesn’t make being a good mom any less hard.

So I say, gear up and buckle down.  Be the kind of parent that’s best for your unique kids.  Maybe that means hugging your tantrumy toddler, but I’m willing to bet most of the time that means sending that child to time-out long enough for her to realize that wasn’t a great decision and for you to realize it probably wasn’t the end of the world (AND long enough for you to smuggle a handful of chocolate chips from the pantry).  And I bet a lot of these moms encouraging us to relax and enjoy the ride are saying that because they now have awesome kids in part BECAUSE they were uptight and disciplined parents.

Does it matter if we let that baby cry it out or co-slept, potty-trained them early or late, breastfed or bottle-fed?  You know what?  I think it actually does. Those are the decisions that we make in the best interest of our child, ourselves, our families.  If you want to tell me those things don’t matter, then what exactly am I doing all day?  It’s our hearts that matter and we put so much of our heart into parenting well and making wise choices.  Maybe we don’t need to stress about those things that will seem insignificant when our kids hit the teenage years, but they absolutely are not insignificant today.  Are you ready to cry because you JUST fed that baby and she’s crying again and you don’t know what to do?  I’m not going to tell you how short these days are.  I’m going to tell you that this. is. hard.  It’s okay if you want to cry because you are trying to do the right thing for your child and it’s stressful.

Is there a “right” way to parent we’re all supposed to be doing exactly the same?  Probably not.  Is there a way to really mess your kids up by being a horrible parent?  Um, yes.  By saying there’s no one right way or a right book with all the right answers, that shouldn’t mean we aren’t accountable before God for how we raise our kids.  I’m absolutely not attempting to speak for God on this, but I have a hard time imagining him saying, “I don’t know guys.  I didn’t say in the Bible exactly how to discipline in this situation, so I guess whatever you do is fine.”  There IS a best way to handle our parenting tasks—a way that honors God and respects how he made our kids.  Sometimes we do it, sometimes we don’t, and sometimes we have a really hard time knowing what it is in a particular situation.  That’s where we can use the guidance of wise parents around us or even a book written by somebody who has dedicated her life to the study of child behavior.

We need to give ourselves grace when we get it wrong, but that doesn’t mean we stop aiming for right.  You can sleep train, bottle-feed, baby wear, vaccinate all for the glory of God.  You could do the opposite all for the glory of God.  But Mamas, don’t stop trying to figure out what God’s calling YOU to do.  You have a big and important job.  I won’t fault you if you forgot to treasure some of those moments today.