Here’s a parenting fact for you: We’re really hard on our firstborns. I literally remember saying the words, “Why are you acting like that? You’re two years-old!” and then realizing how ridiculous that was. He was TWO YEARS-OLD. Why did I expect him to be a miniature adult?
When you’re parenting your first child you need to see him achieve milestones to prove you’re parenting right. He needs to roll over, sit up, walk, talk all at the exact prescribed month the developmental chart predicted. Or even better, he needs to do it all early. You need him to be the perfect houseguest because with one child you’re still able to actually go to other people’s houses. He needs to eat quietly at the table because you and your spouse are still able to have actual conversations at this point. He should be exposed to no television, eat no fried or sugared thing, do puzzles and flashcards, and be able to communicate through sign language prior to his first birthday. Oh, and also he should probably be potty-trained as soon as he can walk.
I really did expect this kind of behavior and results from my first child and from myself. I look back now at the lengths I went to to try and create this kind of life. It made me a bit of an angry person when things didn’t go the way I thought they should. I disciplined him more than I really needed to. I gave him responsibilities (and I’m sure I still do) beyond his age or developmental abilities. It causes me a little guilt to think about all I expected from him and how frustrated I allowed myself to get when things didn’t go my way.
I also bought into a discipline philosophy that made me feel like if my child reached for a forbidden knick-knack after I told him “no” I either had to discipline him mightily or risk the fires of hell. I do believe it’s important to be a parent of your word and to be consistent with discipline, but I have also found that sometimes it’s okay to redirect instead of bringing down the fury over a small infraction. It’s important to pick your battles and when I had one child to focus on, I thought every misbehavior was a battle worth picking. I also didn’t have much of a frame of reference for what was just childish behavior and what was defiance. Three kids later and I have that one pretty well figured out. There are mistakes that don’t need disciplining, but need grace. There is childish misbehavior that needs gentle redirection. There is defiance that MUST be addressed.
When you are a parent who has been really focused on coming down angrily on any minor infraction and now has loosened up, it’s tough not to feel guilty about how you used to parent. It’s a common refrain I hear from women who have parented a couple kids- I used to be so strict and now I’m more laid-back. I see it from my own upbringing, too. When my older sister and I (she was the first child, I’m the fourth) talk about what it was like to grow up in my parents’ home it is really like we had two different sets of parents. Hers were strict with high expectations and serious consequences. Mine were more lenient and affectionate. But somehow we both ended up learning and adopting our parents’ values. Which is why I try not to feel too guilty about the more structured and responsible life my firstborn is leading.
I look at his life, and he’s doing so great. He is responsible and helpful and a very compassionate kid. He has his times of goofing around and making mistakes (big and small) and I know he has no doubt of my love and forgiveness in spite of my high expectations. But I think the reason it’s even possible for me to be more laid-back with my younger kids is BECAUSE of how great Josh is and how he has a little bit of a healthy fear of his strict parents. You see, he can tell the younger ones how terrifying we are. We were strict with him and he has taken that family culture and helped us get the same results with less work out of our subsequent children. All the values we wanted to communicate are now being taught not just by us, but also by our oldest child. I might still have to be that super harsh/structured/strict parent if I didn’t have a child who was a leader in our home. He allows me to give grace when it’s needed and has also taught me that childhood is brief.
I now feel surprised by how quickly the baby milestones are flying by for my fourth-born. He hasn’t been an early developer in any area, but I’ve just forgotten how short baby days are. Instead of pushing for him to prove my parenting right, I’m savoring his precious helplessness as I see how independent my older kids are becoming. There is a sweetness in the mess and the diapers and the sleepy yawns that I had a hard time seeing before when I was focusing on the measurable progress. While I am externally being firm, I find myself internally having to hold back my laughter when he pitches a fit about not getting another cookie. The frustration I used to feel when my identity was all wrapped up in having a perfect child is pretty well gone.
There are still moments (lots of them) when I do have to be tough. I don’t run away from those times. I see them as opportunities to help my kids learn submission to authority. I run our lives by a certain structure that keeps things flowing smoothly. I will never be a spontaneous parent, but I have come to see the joy of living life with a little more freedom and grace. And I think I have my oldest child to thank for it.
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