Let’s Talk about Husbands. Really.

So I wrote a post recently about how Saturdays kind of stink when you’re a mom. Part of that post included how my husband isn’t exactly helpful on Saturdays the way I would like him to be. It was surprising to me to see some people react to this thought with words about how great and helpful their husbands are on Saturdays or how they feel bad for those of us with these lazy loser guys. Obviously, I’m thrilled for you that this isn’t an issue on your Saturday. And what should be equally obvious is that of course my husband isn’t sitting around like a log every Saturday asking me to bring him a beer while he watches endless basketball games (or more accurately, endless “Doctor Who” episodes). If that were the case, there’s no way I would have brought four kids into this home. There are days when it works for him to have some extra relaxing time (and times when I get some more relaxing time) and then there have been the last three months when he was completely useless in helping me with the kids because he was doing construction work on a basement bedroom so we could update our foster license to take in more children— a thought he is totally open to and excited about as much as we know it will turn our life upside down. . . again. So while it has been frustrating for me to have to pick-up the weekend slack, I am also entirely in love with this man’s heart for kids who might need our home.

Rebecca Tredway Photography

A helpful hint for the one random single guy who might be reading this:  Here’s what initially attracted me to Brian—he taught Sunday School. He spent every Sunday morning teaching a rowdy group of elementary school kids. He was faithful to it, passionate about it, and the kids loved him. I knew that was the kind of guy I wanted to marry. Somebody who had that love for other people’s kids, even though I had no idea we’d someday do group home work or foster parent or adopt. I just knew I wanted my kids to have the best dad and this was the guy.

But marriage isn’t easy. Husbands aren’t perfect. Marriages fall apart at an alarming rate both inside and outside Christian community. Brian and I have had our hard moment of staring divorce in the face and realizing we didn’t liked the way it looked.

It has become a passion of mine to help encourage marriages, so in that vein I want to give you two thoughts from my hard moments.

Talk about your husband

Problems rarely get better in a vacuum. In the absence of some wise input in your life, things are likely to get worse. You need to have some people you trust that allow you to be open about the struggles of marriage. And I don’t just mean the big things. You’re irritated that your husband spends 30 minutes every night playing Angry Birds? I bet you have friends that can relate. When you’re able to share your frustrations and you find out you’re not alone, it gives you a new perspective. And frequently you’ll find that not only do your friends have similar problems, some of them will talk about issues that make you crazy grateful to just be dealing with the Angry Birds dilemma. This is different than just dwelling in negativity about your spouses. This is sharing life together. It’s done with a love and understanding that nobody is perfect. You have to know your friend is supportive of your marriage and that provides the safety for openness.

This is also a great killer of fantasy. Have you ever been at a friend’s house and watched her husband do dishes and thought, “My husband wouldn’t know how to wash a dish if I posted instructions in front of the sink.” Or maybe you see a friend’s husband who leans over and kisses his wife’s head during church and wonder why your husband is so repressed and afraid of public affection. Or you see a friend wearing a new expensive piece of jewelry from her CEO husband and wish your husband made that kind of money. Fantasy breeds where reality is absent. If you can develop an open relationship of honesty with those friends you will come to see how ALL marriages have their problems. You see the reality of living with this man who may have seemed pretty perfect in comparison to the spouse you know with warts and all. Of course, this requires honesty by everybody involved. If your friend insists they’ve never had a fight you may be barking up the wrong friendship tree. When you feel like you’re the only wife in the world dealing with these issues it’s so easy to think it’s the marriage that’s the problem and the only fix is getting out. Cultivate good friendships for the sake of your marriage.

Don’t talk about your husband

If you’re having a lot of conflict with your spouse, it can be really tempting to spew that to the general public. You may want to punish him for his wrongs or gather an army of support. Resist that temptation. (*Please know I am not attempting to address situations of abuse, just general marital annoyances.) Your husband’s reputation is the reputation of your family. It is uncomfortable for all of us when somebody chooses to publicly vent about how dumb this guy is who won’t even pick up his own socks. We want to give our husbands the same respect we’d want him to give us. If he was publicly mocking us, what message would that send about the state of our marriage? It’s beautiful and good and right to build your husband up in public.  It’s an investment in the reputation and solidity of your family.

So where does that leave my Saturday post?  For those of you who read it and thought “Man, my husband is WAY more helpful than that!” I hope you were encouraged to keep loving and honoring your husband. For those of you who read it and thought, “Man, that sounds exactly like my life!” I hope you were encouraged that you aren’t the only one. As for Brian, I read it to him before I ever posted it and he thought it was funny. That’s what’s important to me.