Parenting Tip of the Day #3- The power of “excuse me”

I am a big believer in the power of second chances.  We all make mistakes and it’s so important to allow people to make changes, especially if they didn’t realize they made a wrong choice to begin with.  That is such an important part of being a parent, too.

So here’s my tip:

When your kids say something wrong (disrespectful, unkind, inappropriate, etc.) you need to stop what you’re doing, turn and look at them and say, “Excuse me?” in your most serious voice.  Not yelling.  Not angry.  Just serious.  Give them a second chance to fix their words before you give them a consequence.  Sometimes kids aren’t aware of how what they said came across or they just let their emotions get the better of them.  By giving them a second chance you are able to see if they can identify what was wrong with what they said and if they’re willing to humble themselves and try a new response.

It may take some practice and repetition for them to know what you need from them when you say, “Excuse me?” but I have found it to be highly effective for three year-old girls and eighteen year-old boys alike.  If a child isn’t interested in fixing their problem language, that’s when you know they are choosing to receive a consequence instead.  You gave them an opportunity to change and they are showing you they need a little more convincing.

I didn’t realize how ingrained this routine had become in my parenting until one funny episode during our houseparenting days.  We were trying to teach the boys the proper way to respond if they didn’t understand something that was said to them.  We were having trouble with the boys saying, “Huh?” which didn’t sound very intelligent or “WHAT?!” which sounded really aggressive.  We were giving them alternate suggestions- pardon me, excuse me, I’m sorry I didn’t hear you- and practicing using them ourselves.  After that conversation I was in the kitchen with five of our boys all cleaning up from dinner.  One of them asked me a question I was having a hard time hearing over all the kitchen noise so I said, “Excuse me?”  You could have heard a pin drop.  Every boy froze and then turned to see who was in trouble and needed to change a language choice.  It took me a minute to figure out why they were giving me the deer-in-the-headlights look and then we all found it pretty funny.

So use this tip carefully.  It’s pretty effective.