The Discipline Toolbox

I think we’re doing premarital counseling all wrong. If you want to know if your relationship is ready to handle the difficult challenges of marriage, somebody just ought to let you and your beloved remodel a room in their house. It has got to be one of the most frustrating experiences and is sure to bring out the worst in you, your partner, and your relationship.

We’ve been doing a remodeling project in our basement and some of our own frustrations have bubbled to the surface. Thankfully we have a lot of experience dealing with difficult experiences together through parenting 21 kids over the last 10 years.  There are ways in which I am coming to see a correlation between dealing with a home improvement project and dealing with the discipline needs of our kids.

One of the questions I am frequently asked by people considering foster care (or incredulous about our decision to do foster care) is about discipline. How is disciplining a foster child different from disciplining a child who legally belongs to you? When a child doesn’t have a reason to trust you, it is tough to deal with behavior problems. On the flip-side, those kids absolutely need structure and consistency so you can’t just let behavior problems go. It requires some creativity and an ability to rethink what comes naturally.

When we first became houseparents in a boys’ home, the discipline tools we knew how to use were pretty minimal. That changed quickly. Really quickly. We had to learn how to discipline kids with a calmness and gentleness that would earn their trust and still communicate that their behavior was unacceptable. These were boys who were old enough to understand delayed gratification and some of them were capable of seeing the long-term consequences of their bad choices. We learned to be creative to come up with consequences that would teach them lessons without damaging our fragile relationship.

When we adopted our son about four years later at ten months-old we had to add a bunch of new tools. We had to learn how to deal with safety issues, toddler tantrums, and work on building an attachment with a little one. We were dealing with a child who didn’t understand what we were saying, didn’t know if he could trust us and certainly had no concept of delaying gratification. Taking away privileges? Time out? Ridiculous.

We have continued to learn new ways of disciplining as our kids have aged and have shown the unique ways they need to be trained. I’m not going to get into specific discipline tactics, but there’s a logic behind disciplining your children that should help you make the wisest decisions possible in each situation. So here are some lessons learned from my attempts to “remodel” the behavior of my children:

–Don’t use a hammer when tweezers will do. I’m afraid in learning to handle my first child’s behavioral issues I thought I had to pick every battle. I don’t even want to go into how harshly I responded to his desire to launch his sippy cup off the highchair. That same behavior from my fourth child now gets a chuckle from his siblings and I put the sippy cup away. Getting angry over the little things means you’re pretty much always going to be angry because kids are always doing little things. Sometimes a gentle response or redirection can fix a problem without all the theatrics.

–Sometimes you really do need a hammer. Some behaviors are unacceptable. Period. Don’t feel guilty for being tough when you need to be.

–Different projects require different tools. Some of my kids require a really heavy hand. Some of my kids require some serious gentleness. Don’t assume the same techniques are going to work for each kid. Be willing to change your tactics to get the best response out of your child. And whenever possible, make the punishment fit the crime (You put all your clean clothes in the hamper so you wouldn’t have to put them in the drawers? You are now my laundry helper.)

–Do your research. There are lots of great parenting books. Read some. They won’t have all the answers for your specific situation, but they will challenge you to think about discipline or parenting philosophies from a new angle.

–You’re going to mess up. Whether it’s a home improvement project or training up your children, we learn by doing. Sometimes you will try a discipline tactic that hurts your relationship with your child. Maybe you lost your temper and said something awful. Go make it right. Don’t do it again. Forgive yourself.

–You need a level. Balance is really important. Too far towards being a pushover or too far towards being a jerk are both bad decisions. You need to be firm, but loving. It’s not easy, but it’s a balance worth pursuing.

–Ask a pro. There are many amazing parents who have gone down this road before us. If you see a mom who is raising some awesome kids, humble yourself and ask her what she’s doing right. Maybe her solutions won’t work for your kids, but you might be surprised. You might be even more surprised by how great it is to have a mentor in your corner who has been where you’re walking.

–Compressed air makes everything better. It’s amazing how powerful compressed air is since it’s essentially just air. I like to think whispering runs on this same principal. You can scream at your kids, but I think whispering is twice as terrifying without being nearly as damaging. Kneel down to their level, put your hand on their shoulder, look right in their eyes, and whisper whatever you need to say (“We are not going to ride the dog like a horse again. Do you understand me?”). It’s amazingly effective. When in doubt, compress your air.

–Let the project speak to you. There is a specific tool that’s best in each discipline situation. How do you know what that tool is? Part of it is knowing your child. Here’s my other revolutionary thought– ask your child. So your son whacks your daughter with his t-rex toy (not that that has ever happened in my house. . . ). Tell him that was not okay and that he’ll need to have a consequence. Would he like to sit in time-out for five minutes or would he like to bring you the t-rex for the rest of the morning? Decide on two punishments that are equally acceptable in your opinion and let him pick his poison (although you do need to stay away from actual poison). I like this because it really helps the child understand the consequence belongs to him. He won’t be mad at you, he’ll be mad at himself.

–Things don’t generally get better without your intervention. Ever left a home improvement project to finish itself? How’d that work out? Right. Kids need you to enter their world. Misbehavior is often a cry for somebody to take an interest, set some boundaries, be consistent.

What are your most valued tools?  I’m always looking to add some to my toolbox.