Brian and I have been discussing it and we’ve realized it’s not that our children make us want to drink, it’s that our children are so loud and unintelligible and some elements of parenting are so nauseating, you kind of feel like you’ve already been drinking.
We hear a siren in the distance-
Daughter: It a Indian!
Danny: It a aliens!
Josh: It’s an amblience.
Yes. . . they were all trying to say “ambulance”. So close.
Another reason I love our church:
10 kids+3 adults = 1 pew.
My daughter is pretending to be the mother of her big brother this morning. She came out of his room after about ten minutes and said she was “so disappointed he be naughty” so I’d say we’re staying right on our usual schedule.
Had my hair in a ponytail all day. I took it out and my daughter gasped, “Mommy, you Lion King!” I’m choosing to take that as a compliment.
I put in a movie. The children choose to play a board game instead. This is on the list of things that make you proud in theory, but are kind of annoying in practicality.
Danny: Mommy, I HATE-
Me: Danny, we don’t need to use that word.
Danny: Oh. Mommy. . . I don’t love ghosts.
Me: Oh right. Me either.
I spent some time brainstorming a cute sign I could make for the bathroom to remind the kids to flush. Then I remembered the kids who don’t remember to flush also can’t read.
#preschoolproblems
Next time I’m tempted to feel superior towards someone else’s nutrition choices, I’m going to remember that at one point the words, “You may not play in that playland until you finish these fries” came out of my mouth.
Josh’s AWANA teacher asked me if it really was okay with me (as Josh was claiming) for Josh to wear part of his Iron Man costume (the part that makes noises) during class.
Choice A: Admit I am an irresponsible parent and didn’t even know he was wearing it when we left the house.
Choice B: Pretend I did know he was wearing it and I’m a ridiculous parent for supporting his desire to be a total distraction.
Thanks, Josh. Thanks a lot.
Daughter just tried to tell me the underwear on her floor wasn’t hers. Too bad nobody else in this family wears Dora or that might have worked.
I couldn’t figure out why he loved those flowers so much. Then I realized he thought they were called Danny Lions.
Me: Danny, I hear you saying that you ate all your meal, but I’m not sure that’s true. I’m going to ask you to tell me the truth, but if you lie I probably won’t know it. Do you know why we don’t lie? Lies are very bad and hurt your heart. Even if Mommy doesn’t know the truth, do you know who always sees you and knows exactly what you did with that food?
Danny: The dog.
. . . Not what I was going for, but true. And then he confessed to feeding the dog his carrots.
I gave my daughter the Dole sticker off a banana. She declared me her “best mommy ever”. I’m hoping this sentiment lasts through her teen years.
#buymorebananas
Sometimes you wonder why an older child wet the bed. And sometimes when you’re stripping the wet sheets off the bed you find that as part of the elaborate game of house they were playing last night, this particular child went to bed sucking on a baby bottle full of water. Mystery solved.
Some days you ask the kids to help you mop. And some days you decide your sanity is worth preserving.
Josh (singing to himself): My life got turned upside down.
Me: What song is that?
Josh: You know! The song! About the guy who’s brown like me. You know! He has to live with his cousins.
Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Josh: MOM. You. Know. The one where the guy has to go live with his cousins. His mom sends him to live with his auntie and uncle because she’s scared?
Me: Seriously, I have no idea. . . wait. . . are you talking about “Fresh Prince of Bel Air”?
Josh: See! You DID know!
I guess I did.
Sign you are a mother: You finally get a couple minutes to yourself and are magnetically drawn to Target where you end up checking out the new superhero toys.
Mommy’s Two Bedtime Truths:
1) I love you very much.
2) I don’t want to see you again until morning.
Some times it’s really fun to have an extremely ticklish baby. Diaper changes are not one of those times.
When your kids ask for fruit punch, it isn’t nice to enthusiastically say, “That’s a great idea!” then run to the kitchen and hit them with bananas. Or so the children told me after I did it.
When the big kids are being naughty and I yell, “Hey!” The Baby yells, “Ho!”.
#thanksLumineers
4 year-old told me he was making his own PB&J “like a boss”. If “like a boss” means putting twice as much jelly as necessary and licking the knife before putting it back in the peanut butter, then he’s right. Come to think of it, that’s probably exactly what “like a boss” means.