Birthmother’s Day

I’m not sure if there is a single issue in adoption that every member of the adoption triad (adoptee, adoptive parents, birthparents) agree on. Just about everything has some level of controversy. Some people love celebrating “Gotcha Day” (the day the child entered your family), some shy away from that terminology or celebration because they think of that day as a day of loss for the child. Birthparents and adoptive parents may disagree about appropriate terminology:  birthmother, biological mother, first mother, or natural mother. Each word has it’s own connotations.

It should come as no surprise that the idea of a Birthmother’s Day (the Saturday before Mother’s Day) has it’s own fan club and detractors. Some birthmothers find it demeaning to have a separate day for them, as though they are not also mothers. I can see how they can perceive it that way, but I think of it as a time of special honor. We could celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as one more general “Parents Day”, but by giving each their own we are celebrating their unique contributions. I want a special time to celebrate the gift of my children’s birthmothers. You don’t have to agree with me, but I’m clarifying why some people have an issue with it and why I don’t. So now that we know the backstory, here are some ways you can make Birthmother’s Day special:

Rebecca Tredway Photography

Inside Your Home:

In an open adoption–  This is a great day to spend some time talking with your kids about their birth stories. Get out the adoption books. Pull out the pictures of their birthfamily or the day you brought them home. Have them make a card for their birthmom. Make their birthmom a photo book and send an update letter so they know they are remembered and loved particularly during what can be a tough time. Talk about the love that exists between your two families. Make this a day when your kids know they can ask their adoption questions openly. Of course, we always want to have the door open to those talks but make today a time when you bring the topic up intentionally and let them lead the way.

In a closed adoption– You should have some adoption books (I have my favorites listed along the sidebar of the blog) you can read together. Answer their questions. Do something to honor their birthmother and her sacrifice. Maybe write a note to her on a ballon and release it. Plant a flowering bush for her. Let your child write her a letter and tuck it away. Let today be a day where their feelings are okay and you open the door to any communication they want without being threatened.

In a difficult adoption–  Birthmoms aren’t perfect people. If you are in a situation where your child’s birthmom is not a safe person or isn’t making wise decisions, it is not your responsibility to lie for them. Speak positively, but honestly. There are age-appropriate ways to discuss the circumstances of a birthmother’s life with your child. Honor her for what she did, but be truthful. Our vocabulary includes the phrases: “unsafe choices”, “unwise decisions”, “put things in her body that hurt her”, “didn’t have a husband who could help take care of a baby”, “didn’t obey the rules”, and “didn’t know how to be a mommy.” Already we talk to our kids about how some of that may have been because these birthmoms didn’t have a healthy family to grow up in themselves. We help them understand that their birthmoms wanted them to have a mom and dad who were ready to be parents. We also include information about how the lawyers, the judge, the doctors all knew that their birthmoms loved them, but they needed to be in a safe family. We never want our kids to worry that we stole them from their birth homes, even if their story is one where their birthparents weren’t very supportive of the adoption or had their parental rights terminated. That is an unfortunate reality for many kids adopted from foster care and complicates the ability to have open relationships. Our conversations are a very intentional balance of love and honesty because we truly do have love in our hearts for these birthfamilies, but never want our kids to question our honesty because we tried to cover up the reality.

Outside your home:

Be an advocate for birthmoms. On Mother’s Day all corners of social media will be filled with people’s love for their moms or enjoyment of their children, so take the day before Mother’s Day to acknowledge what your child’s birthmom means to you. Birthmothers can be really looked down upon in our society. When a woman who isn’t ready to mother finds out she’s pregnant, there may be support for her making an adoption plan, but for the rest of her life when she tells somebody she chose adoption she will face intense judgement. Her own family may not understand or disown her. Her friends may say, “I could never do that” as though she is heartless for wanting something different for her child. She has made a bold decision about what she felt was best for her child in that moment, and she deserves to be supported. You may be doing your best to encourage her relationship with your child and supporting her in the background, but today is the day to go public. If we want women to feel like making an adoption decision is a valid choice, then we have got to be part of changing the perception of birthmothers. Be vocal. Be honest. If you hear somebody talk about birthmothers in a negative way, don’t sit silently by.

Even if you haven’t been personally touched by adoption, you can still be part of the solution to this issue. Help raise the perception of these women who have sacrificed so much for the children they love. Don’t speak negatively about them. Don’t let other people speak negatively about them. If you see birthparents negatively portrayed in movies or tv shows you’re watching as a family, talk about that with your kids. Talk to them about the reality of adoption and adoptive families. Don’t let your children be the kids who ask my children why their “real mom” didn’t love them. Talk about Moses and his loving birthmom who cared for him so much she made something like an “adoption plan” because she knew she couldn’t protect him any longer. She let him go in a basket in the water so he might have life and opportunities with another family.

Birthmothers aren’t perfect and don’t need to be idealized, but to speak positively and honestly about the sacrifices they’ve made is a good thing for everyone involved.

What things do you do to celebrate your birthmother or your child’s birthmother on Birthmother’s Day or all through the year? I’d love to have some more ideas. Leave your thoughts in the comments below!