Parenting Tip of the Day #11- Take a “one-down”

I don’t like yelling. I don’t like to do it myself and I don’t like to hear it from my kids. I can’t always control how loud my kids are, but I can control my own responses. I know if I’m yelling, it isn’t because I decided that was a good response to my current situation (unless my current situation is that my kids are across the park from me and I need to get their attention), but it’s how I respond when I’m losing control. I get more and more agitated until I realize I’m now yelling like a crazy lady and it makes me even more frustrated to know I let things get out of hand at that level.

So if you’re a mom who is tired of yelling, I’m going to tell you how I handle the interactions that start getting heated.

In college I had a counseling professor I thought was great– a good mix of academic instruction and some really practical advice. He talked about how when a counseling situation is getting more and more intense and a client is starting to direct anger at you, it’s a good idea to “take a one-down.” In this situation, that means finding their intensity level and being sure you keep yours always a step lower than theirs. He also recommended doing this when handling conflict in your marriage. Your spouse is ratcheting up the intensity, so you need to dial back if you don’t want things to get out of control. Your child’s volume and emotions are at a 10? You be at a 9 (or less). As the situation gets more heated, you get cooler.

For me, this means talking more quietly, more intentionally, more slowly. Less words, more eye contact. So here’s an example. You know the drill- kids have been obnoxious all day and things are really starting to get nuts. You hear angry screams from the bedroom and come in:

Me:  Hey, what are you guys all worked up about?

Child:  He stole my toy! He stole it and then he broke it! I hate him!

Me:  Honey, I’m so sorry. He didn’t mean to break it. He’s just a baby.

Child:  I don’t care if he’s a baby. He shouldn’t break my toys! And you should have kept him out of my room!

(Here is where I would like to yell, especially if it’s been a stressful day and it’s right about dinner time which is when most of these conflicts start. This is when I would like to yell, “Am I the toy police?! I’m supposed to make your meals, keep you safe, make sure we don’t live in total filth AND be sure nobody touches YOUR STUFF?! Let’s just throw all your things away right now if this is going to cause a problem.”)

Me:  (kneeling to eye level, talking seriously and quietly, hand on his shoulder) It’s sad that he broke your toy and we can work on fixing it, but if you had put it away earlier like I asked you this wouldn’t have happened. It is not okay to blame Mom or to yell at your brother because you’re upset.

The key here is to see his intensity level and dial it back a notch in the way you address him. Don’t meet his anger with your own. If he is at a 9, you be at a 7. You take a one-down. This is how we avoid screaming matches and arguing at their level. They are not likely to get more calm by you getting more heated. They may continue to be heated, in which case you stay calm and let them know they need to speak to you respectfully if they want to continue the conversation. If they can’t speak to you respectfully, then they can take some time alone to calm down before you work it out.

We can’t control our child’s behavior, but we can control our own. As parents we all get angry. Being angry isn’t the problem. There are absolutely times where anger is an appropriate response. But how we act in our anger is a reflection of our character and teaches our kids more than our words ever will. Being sure we are avoiding yelling is a big step to creating a peaceful home.