Your TherMOMeter Child

I have been blessed to help raise a bunch of kids over the last decade.  I’ve seen lots of personality types and have learned that the ease at which an adult bonds with a child is very specific to how they relate to each other.  It was fascinating to watch as new kids came into our lives and new adults got involved in providing services for these kids, different types of personalities tended to gravitate towards each other.  Over the years of working with kids I have had a couple children in my life who I have described as “thermometer children”.  Do you have one?

These kids have been especially easy for me to connect with, although they were not at all “easy” children.  They were/are the kinds of kids that like to cause trouble.  They had a hard time thinking through the longterm consequences of their actions and were often ruled by their emotions.  They were affectionate and loving, but also angry and frustrating.  They were honest and genuine to a fault.  We got along beautifully.

But I noticed something about these kids.  When they were dealing with other adults it was easy for me to see this “thermometer” trait in their relationships.  We know thermometers don’t make us have fevers, they just let us know how sick we already were.  I think these kids have a similar effect.  Let me explain-

When an adult who had a quick temper is partnered with a child like this, they are quickly pushed to their breaking point.  It is really hard to keep your cool or hide your flaws when you’re working with this child.  I originally thought this was a problem with the child (and of course, it is in lots of ways).  I thought my naughty kid was bringing out the worst in this adult.  After watching this progression of behavior happen multiple times in different scenarios I started rethinking my original assessment- maybe this child wasn’t bringing out some new behavior in this adult, but was reflecting back the problems this adult already had.  These kids function like thermometers, reading the temperature and displaying it back for you to see.  And sometimes it isn’t pretty.

I have been blessed to parent some very sensitive and emotionally responsive kids.  They will be able to tell when you’re having a bad day and will do their best to make things better.  When you have a headache, they get quiet.  When you’re feeling sad, they hug your leg.  When you’re at the end of your rope, they find a quiet place to play.  They are observant and want things to go smoothly in their world.

Thermometer Kids are not wired that way.

They see you have a headache, or you’re sad, or you’re at the end of your rope and it puts them on edge.  Their behaviors get worse as they see you struggling.  They need you to be calm and in control for them and when you start to lose it, they ratchet the intensity up a notch.  They are very sensitive to when an adult doesn’t have control of a situation and they will take control in whatever way they can.

It was always fascinating to me to drop one of these kids off at Sunday School and come back for a report after class.  Some teachers would tell me that this kid was wild, unruly, and caused all kinds of problems.  That was when I knew this adult was having a rough day or maybe had trouble keeping order in class or was a person who responded with a lot of heat and intensity when they were challenged.  Some days I would pick up my child and hear from a different adult that they were well behaved, engaging, and sweet.  I knew this was an adult that had a very calm demeanor and made my child feel secure within the limits and boundaries they set.  As much as that adult thought they were giving me a report about my child, I came to understand it was much more of a report about what the classroom environment and teacher’s responses were like.

I also found that these kids were a tremendous judge of character.  The adults they instantly clicked with were people I came to admire.  It would take me months of investment to find what my boys knew from the start- these adults had nothing to hide, loved without conditions, and had patience in abundance.  By pushing all those buttons up front, these kids quickly learned who they could trust.

I’m not excusing the behavior of my thermometer kids.  They absolutely are troublemakers.  They push against boundaries, fight for control, and can be pretty strong willed kids (although having a “strong will” is a major asset in my book and I’ve found that not all strong willed kids also have these other issues).  These are qualities that have to be refined in order to be useful.  They require a pretty firm parenting hand and can often isolate you as you buckle down and work on issues that make it hard to take your child out in public.  It often means you have to help the AWANA leader or VBS worker or preschool teacher or youth pastor understand your child’s needs and how they work best.  Or you may not be able to leave them with certain adults who otherwise would be trustworthy.

So do you have a thermometer kid?  Do you find that as you heat up, your child reflects that back to you?  Do you find that people have a strong reaction to your child (either positive or negative)?  Does this make it difficult to leave your child with other adults?  Or to parent them at home?  Or does it even make connecting with your child complicated?

I’m sure other (wiser) people have had great advice to give.  I imagine this phenomena has been more appropriately described in some parenting book or psychological literature.  I’m just a mom speaking from my experience with these kinds of kids and with enough parenting experience to know that not every kid is this way.  (I think sometimes when you only parent a kid or two, you don’t realize the unusual behaviors you’re seeing are unusual so it’s hard to understand why you feel more stressed than other parents if your kid is quirky.) But in my limited experience I have found these things to be helpful:

–Be open with other adults:  You don’t need to make excuses for your child, but you also shouldn’t be defensive if somebody approaches you with a problem.  Acknowledge the realities and be prepared to take your child out of a situation where they are causing a problem or are responding to a problem that already exists in an inappropriate way.

–Deal with your own stuff:  If your child is having a really hard day, it’s pretty likely you are too.  That is going to create a cycle that’s hard to stop when you’re dealing with a child who has a hard time handling the emotions around him.  You need to stop, take a deep breath, separate out what’s YOUR issue and what is the child’s issue.  There’s a good chance if you can deal with your issues you’ll help your child settle down, too.

–Be calm:  These are kids that respond strongly to emotion.  Be calm in how you handle situations, especially stressful ones.  If you can be calm, they are going to find it easier to be calm, too.  Even if you’re rattled, don’t let them see it.

–Be in control:  Deal with problems before they get out of hand.  Be proactive and anticipate situations that could be problematic.  Let your child know what kind of behavior you expect from them and follow through.

–Look for the positive:  These kids can be a lot of work, but they are also really special.  Be intentional about affirming the good that you see in your kids, both to them and to yourself.

So the next time you’re dealing with a child who seems to be a little out of control and pushing you to your wit’s end, stop and ask yourself if this is really a child who can’t control themselves, or if you have created an environment where the child sees you are out of control and is reflecting that back to you.

Anybody else have a child like this?  Any tips you’ve learned?