When you’re having to tell your child “no” to something they want, it can be a difficult moment to navigate. I find myself saying the same thing my parents said to me, “We aren’t letting you do this thing because we love you. If we didn’t love you, we wouldn’t care what you did.” And it’s true. We do love our kids and that makes us intentional about sometimes choosing the hard thing. We say “no” when everybody else says “yes” even if that makes us seem like the bad guys. This requires a pretty strong parenting backbone and when done for the right reasons, it is an important tool parents need to use.
It can also be lazy.
We’re right that bad parents may not exercise appropriate discernment for their kids. We are often saying “no” because it is the right thing to say when our kids ask us for privileges they are not yet ready to handle. I can feel a self-righteous pride in saying “no” to my kids and defending it with my “I do this because I love you” speech. But I have to be honest with myself—sometimes it is more because I am lazy than because I am being wise or discerning. Yes, bad parents let their kids run around unsupervised and never provide limits. In the extreme example, bad parents also lock their kids in the basement and never provide freedom.
It’s a temptation for lazy parents to say “yes” to everything. It’s a temptation for lazy parents (who also like to have the moral high ground) to say “no” to everything. It can be lazy because we don’t want to take the time to truly investigate what our kids are asking to do. It can be lazy because we don’t want to supervise them trying something new. It can be lazy because even when we do have good reasons for our “no”, we don’t help our kids understand them.
We have a good and right desire to shelter our kids from things that could harm them. You want to go to that friend’s house? No, because I don’t know the parents. You want to ride your bike to the park? No, because I can’t go with you right now. You want to try that new video game? No, because the image on the cover looks too violent. I’m not saying any of those reasons are wrong, but I think it’s good for us to question our “no”s when we have to give them. Are we saying “no” for the right reason? Is it because we know we are keeping our kids from actual harm, or is it because we are afraid? Is “no” just our default setting?
I am always parenting with my goal in mind- healthy, loving adults who make good choices. If that’s my goal, how do I lay the groundwork for it now? If I make all the decisions for them and don’t bother teaching them the WHY of the decisions I make, I can’t expect them to be ready to make good choices when the time comes. It takes time for me to stop what I’m doing to help my kids understand my answers or to let them in on my decision making process, but how else will they learn what factors to consider when it’s time for them to make decisions on their own?
Of course there are times when no means no. I do not go around explaining all my decisions to my kids, especially my really little kids. We all know the toddler parade of “why” questions has no end, so it doesn’t always make sense to indulge it. Sometimes you just can’t get out the glitter or carry around a tub of raisins or use your toothbrush on the dog. I don’t owe my kids explanations for all my parenting decisions, but as they get older I do want them to not just follow my directions, but understand why I’m coming to the conclusions I am.
A couple weeks ago my oldest son (age 6) was sick. I let him watch more tv than usual while he recuperated and I wasn’t able to supervise it the way I normally would. He asked for permission to watch a new show and after looking at the rating for this show, I said that would be fine. There was another show he wanted to watch that I said “no” to. I had read the brief Netflix bio and it didn’t seem like a show I’d want him to be watching. That evening after the other kids were in bed, I snuggled next to him he asked if he could watch the forbidden show with me. I didn’t really want to watch it, but I decided this would be a good time for him to see why I didn’t approve of it. 25 minutes later, I knew I had been wrong to say he couldn’t watch it. Then we watched the show I had approved. 25 minutes later I was equally convinced that this particular show wasn’t a good idea for him at all.
It was a really important time for both of us. We were able to interact with the content instead of our assumptions. I asked him why he was interested in a certain show, what qualities we should focus our minds on, did he learn any good lessons from this show, and if there was anything that seemed wrong to him. I was glad that through these guided questions he was able to come to the same conclusions I had come to without me just telling him how I felt. This is ultimately what I want to see happen in our relationship. I want to see him cement his own values by thinking through situations, especially those situations where he WANTS to do something, but he’s able to understand why it isn’t a good idea. I want him to learn to tell himself “no”. This is a difficult concept for many adults, so it’s a learning process I want to start early.
If he doesn’t learn now how to be critically engaged with culture and his world, the freedom of adulthood may be difficult to navigate. Just the other day I was talking to him about how he shouldn’t just randomly push buttons on Netflix because there are things he doesn’t need to see:
Josh: But they’re okay for you and Daddy?
Me: No. Some things aren’t even okay for me and Daddy to watch, even though we have the freedom and we’re allowed to watch them.
Josh: Then if nobody should watch them, why are they on Netflix?
Me: Because people want to do things they shouldn’t do. It’s an important part of being an adult to learn to make good choices even when you really want to make bad ones like watching things you shouldn’t watch. And if you ever see something you think you shouldn’t have seen, it’s important to come talk to Mom or Dad about it so we can help you understand what is appropriate for your age.
It would be easier to tell Josh he shouldn’t push random buttons on Netflix “because I said so” but that would keep us from having a discussion about the realities of the world around him. My hope is that these conversations will stick with him when he encounters (as he surely will) his own temptations. And they’re good reminders for me, too.