Watching your child melt down is an incredibly frustrating reality for most parents. It can all start innocently enough and for a thousand different reasons. Your child asks you for another cookie and you say no. Your child wants to watch tv and you don’t let them. Their cracker is broken. The bath is too hot. Their brother said they stink. They got a scratch. You know exactly what I’m talking about and you know what kind of situations are likely to cause your little one to lose it.
Dealing with those behaviors in a way that keeps them from becoming tantrums is a major goal of my parenting. I want to help my kids name their emotions and think about solutions to their problems instead of just focusing on the terrible thing that happened. Because those are my priorities for my kids, it becomes my job to help them through those steps. For me, that comes down to a question I regularly ask my kids as they’re beginning to melt:
“What can I do to help you?”
When a child can stop focusing on what is frustrating and start helping you think of a solution to their problem, that’s when we avoid the total tantrum that may have been coming. This solution will look different depending on what the child is struggling with. Some kids will need more help coming up with their solutions and some will need to be redirected if their response is disrespectful. Here are some examples:
Child: Mommy! I can’t get my shoe on! (the wailing begins)
Me: What can I do to help you?
Child: Can you help me put on my shoe?
Me: I love to help you with your shoes! (or, “I know you are big enough to put that shoe on by yourself, but I’m happy to help loosen up the laces for you.”)
In this situation I have to avoid my natural tendencies to either fix the problem before they’ve tried asking for a solution or to scold them for not trying harder without checking to see what help they need.
Child: Mom, I’m SO HUNGRY! (the wailing begins)
Me: What can I do to help you?
Child: I want A SNACK!
Me: We are at the park and I don’t have a snack with me. Would it help if we went home and got you a snack or would you rather keep playing?
In this situation you are giving them choices rather than just answering, “Too bad because we don’t have any food”. . . not that any of us would ever answer that way. . .
Child: Mommy, I bumped my head! (the wailing begins)
Me: Oh no! What can I do to help you?
Child: I don’t know!!!
Me: Would it feel better if I kissed your head? Would a glass of water help you feel better?
In this situation you may need to offer the child options of what might help if they aren’t able to come up with their own because they’re too upset. And for some reason a glass of water, a kiss, or a band-aid seem to fix most wounds around here.
Child: I want to watch another MOVIE! (the wailing begins)
Me: We are all done watching movies, but I can see you’re frustrated. Is there something I can do to help you?
Child: NO! I want to watch another MOVIE!
Me: You can choose to do a puzzle with me or go play in the yard.
Child: I WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE!
Me: I’m sorry, that was not one of your choices and you can’t talk to Mommy that way. You need to go to your room until you’re ready to talk respectfully.
In this situation even when you’re offering choices, you’re dealing with a child that is ready to tantrum and beyond thinking of solutions. Sometimes you need to give that child some space to work through their frustrations before you can think about an alternative they might enjoy. I prefer to let them come out when they know they’re ready instead of setting a timer since sometimes they pull it together really quickly and sometimes they need quite a while to calm back down.
It’s been amazing to me when I started asking my kids this question how many times the answer was, “I need a hug.” Sometimes their hungry or hurt or anger or frustrated moments needed a mom hug to keep the emotions in check. I have also found that this way of responding to frustrations decreases my own irritation at my kids. I really don’t do well with whining behavior and this question has given my kids the tool they need to ask for specific help and be proactive instead of complaining. I get annoyed when my kids whine, “The oatmeal is tooooooo hoooooooot.” but I don’t mind at all, “Can I have some milk in my oatmeal to cool it down?” It’s the same sentiment, but I have to teach them how to ask for help instead of whining until I fix it.
Obviously the goal is that some day they move beyond having to ask for your help altogether. You will be able to transition them to the question, “What can YOU do?” instead of “What can I do for you?” It’s a longterm goal with a big payoff.
Hope it works for you!
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