Alicia’s Story: Miscarriage

*I am honored to host a series of guest posts by mothers on dealing with the loss of our little ones during pregnancy or shortly after. Each mother has written a summary of their journey and then a letter to the baby they lost. I have found this to be a really healing part of my journey and would recommend that any mother who has lost a baby write a letter full of those words she wanted to express, but never got the chance.*

Alicia’s Journey:

Our miracle baby boy was conceived after 4 years of struggling with infertility, and had just turned 2.
And now, our second positive pregnancy test. Oh Joy! Strong familiar morning sickness. Exhaustion. Then, less. Weird. A 12 week check up that couldn’t detect a heartbeat. Shock when an ultrasound confirmed that though I was 12 weeks into this pregnancy, baby had stopped growing at 6.5 weeks. Stopped growing. A baby. Inside of me. A fierce desire to protect and publicly acknowledge this baby..following a D&C, her remains buried, a family memorial service. Hope is her name, because I know she is a girl. My heart ripped from my chest. The heartache made it almost impossible to breathe. And then, 6 months later….another pregnancy. Same pregnancy symptoms, but pain. And fear of loving and saying goodbye. 7 weeks:early ultrasound-a tiny baby, a tiny heartbeat. What a treasure that picture. Later pain, bleeding, hormones levels dropping. At 8 weeks baby’s heart stopped. Another D&C. Another burial and memorial service. Isaiah. Then 4 months following, one.more.try. We gave over our plans of adding to our family to the Lord, and simultaneously started the adoption process from Ethiopia. A positive pregnancy test. And then, bleeding. God answered my prayer and this baby was born at home. Noah. 3 miscarriages in 13 months.

Dear Hope, Isaiah, and Noah,

I am so thankful for each one of you, each blessing that you are! Thankful that I could carry you, know you for even a short time. So thankful for God’s promises, and I rejoice knowing we will be reunited in Heaven someday. Can’t wait to meet you, hold you, love you forever… Mom

Alicia and Brian Carlson are parents of Hope, Isaiah, and Noah, and currently parent/wrangle/home school 4 children that joined their family through foster or international adoption, or birth. They are in process to adopt a child from Haiti. The Carlsons live in southeast Nebraska.