Chelsey’s Story: Miscarriage

My pregnancy story involves the lives of six children. Our oldest child was born wonderously, with little concern or worry over her development; a daughter with a head of black hair. The following pregnancy occurred after a year of waiting and “trying”, but ended almost as soon as we read the test result. The quickness of the miscarriage was startling, but because it was almost immediately followed by a third pregnancy, I had little time to sort out my thoughts and emotions. During the appointment with our midwife at twelve weeks, no heartbeat was detected and I was shuffled into the ultrasound room to determine if my calculations were correct. My growing worry was confirmed and my midwife counseled me on what needed to happen next. What began as a much anticipated checkup concluded with me lying in a hospital following a DNC, wondering what had just happened. My hormones and thoughts and emotions were suddenly very present and in a completely confused heap. Months following the DNC, I was pregnant again and very guarded with all emotions. My miscarriage took place eight weeks into the pregnancy. During this time, friends from church who had experienced pregnancy loss and infertility were beginning to recognize the need for support and so formed a group to listen, educate and simply help bear the load of sorrow. While my midwife cared, she couldn’t explain what was occurring in my body with these little lives.  It was this group of women that came around me and helped me grieve. Two years after my initial pregnancy loss, I became pregnant a fifth time.  Finley was born nine months later, full term and very tiny. Beckham arrived 22 months later–both pregnancies full of both trepidation and joy and prayer.

Dear Babies,

It is around this particular time–the holidays nearing, school in full blast–that I think of you and the loss of you most.  I look at kids who I know would share your birthdays and wonder at how big they are!

You are always a part of me.  Sitting in thought, or a question about you from Amani or Finley brings you quickly to mind.  The girls are very curious.  Their wondering echoes my own.

Three bright stars are yearly brought out for our Christmas tree.  One for each of your unique lives.  You are so loved.  You are such a part of this family.  Someday…

Sweetly, much love,

Your Mom