*I am honored to host a series of guest posts by mothers on dealing with the loss of our little ones during pregnancy or shortly after. Each mother has written a summary of their journey and then a letter to the baby they lost. I have found this to be a really healing part of my journey and would recommend that any mother who has lost a baby write a letter full of those words she wanted to express, but never got the chance.*
Jenny’s Journey:
My name is Jenny and my husband and I have experienced four miscarriages. We began this journey with a positive pregnancy test and very naive hearts. We told everyone we knew about our pregnancy. We were just so excited that we couldn’t hold it in! At my doctor’s appointment during my 10th week of pregnancy, we discovered that there were two empty sacks but no babies and no heart beats. There are no adequate words to describe the devestation that we felt. I had wrongly assumed that if I didn’t have any bleeding, spotting, or pain then all was well. We were ushered into our doctor’s office (whom we had never met) to have some privacy. The doctor prayed with us, comforted us, and told us to try again. I had a DNC a few days later. Three months later we were again holding a positive pregnancy test but this time with much more trepidation and just a little hope. We discovered a few weeks later that we did indeed have a heart beat this time, but that the little heart was beating too slowly. We were assured that this was just a new heart that would most likely speed up by the next week. We were again devastated to learn that the baby had passed. I chose not to have a repeat DNC but rather to let my body handle the loss naturally.
Several months passed and we were told to have my blood tested for possible causes for the miscarriages. The results indicated that I had tested positive for an antibody called, “Anticardiolipin- antibody.” I had never heard of it before and had no other symptoms of it other than early first-trimester miscarriage. Basically, the antibody in my blood caused microscopic blood clots to form in the placenta which cut off the blood and oxygen supply to the baby. The treatment consisted of daily injections of a blood thinner as well as a low-dose aspirin. I was able to carry three healthy babies to term but also had unexplained miscarriages between each of my pregnancies.
Dear Precious Babies,
In a couple of months, it will be ten years since we lost you. The pain of that day is forever singed in my memory. I can remember being so excited that I had made it to 10 weeks without any problems and that I was almost to the end of my first trimester. I couldn’t wait to take a peak at you. I had no idea that anything was wrong or that my body had failed to support and take care of you. When the ultrasound technician told me that she didn’t see what she needed to see, I was just in shock. I didn’t even know that there were two of you until after I knew that something was very wrong. I wish so badly that I would have been able to rejoice at being pregnant with twins before mourning the loss of you. I never had the chance. I was told that having surgery was the best option for me. I was scared that there had been a mistake. I was so worried that you might still be alive and that the doctor had somehow missed it. I think that I was just holding on to you with everything I had. I was put to sleep and you were gone. When I woke up, I was crying because I wanted you so badly. The emotions that haunted me were overwhelming. The biggest emotions were love and loss. I loved you from the moment I knew you were there and I love you still. I think about you often and almost always cry when I tell the story of you. God has been faithful to comfort me. One of the best ways that I find comfort is through a song that your Daddy found for me. Whenever I hear this song it brings me comfort and hope of meeting you one day.
Forever and Always,
Mommy
Glory Baby
One Comment
Leave a reply →