Rebecca’s Story: Miscarriage and Infertility

*I am honored to host a series of guest posts by mothers on dealing with the loss of our little ones during pregnancy or shortly after. Each mother has written a summary of their journey and then a letter to the baby they lost. I have found this to be a really healing part of my journey and would recommend that any mother who has lost a baby write a letter full of those words she wanted to express, but never got the chance.*

Rebecca’s Journey:

In the midst of an incredibly challenging year and within a day of heading out of town, I discovered I was pregnant. I borrowed a pregnancy test from my dear neighbor and friend and there it was, positive for the first time ever. In the airport the next morning we excitedly showed the test to my in-laws and I remember making healthy choices for meals while we were on vacation. We returned to town and the mandatory doctors’ appointments commenced as I have type 1 diabetes and needed to take extra measures while pregnant. At the six week ultrasound the embryo measured very small. Two weeks later it was still small but we heard a reassuring heartbeat and I began to share the good news. But a wrenching cramp while shopping at Target almost brought me to my knees later that week, and I began spotting all weekend. An ultrasound the following Monday revealed my biggest fears: the tech looked and looked for a heartbeat, but there was none. I felt grateful to undergo a D&C at a Catholic hospital where a nun asked the name of our baby and gave me beautiful prayers about this little life. Their respect for this tiny person is something I’ll always remember with profound gratitude.

The Grand Canyon (photo by Rebecca Tredway)

Dear Littlest Tredway,

I remember you most when the seasons begin to change in the fall. I’m now realizing that, with me, you visited the Grand Canyon. And though not as grand, with me, you picked out pumpkins at the pumpkin patch and rode on a hayrack ride. Little bits of life for just a little bitty life. You matter to me and to your dad and to your big sister who proudly proclaims your life to friend and stranger alike. She looks forward to meeting you in heaven one day. So do I.

I will miss you until we meet again.

Love,

Your Mom