If your family is anything like yours, car trips can be some of the most stressful moments of the day. And I don’t mean “car trips” like your six hour drive to your vacation location. I mean the simple trip to the grocery store, or school, or Grandma’s house. Somehow the fifteen minute trip to church can manage to make me want to pull my hair out. There are lots of ways to try and prevent the meltdowns that can happen in the car. Having a couple toys kids can bring in the car, trying different seating arrangements to find the most peaceful combination of kids sitting next to each other, or finding music or stories to play can all be ways to minimize the drive time chaos. But even with the best of planning, there will still be moments of craziness.
In our minivan, that chaos often erupts when two kids in the backseat start fighting. Here are actual examples:
“He’s looking at me!”
“She poked me in the arm two times!”
“He’s singing too loud!”
“She’s thinking mean things about me!”
Anything sound familiar? So if you are tired of trying to mediate these conflicts while driving, I’ve got a suggestion: pull over. If my kids are being ridiculous, I will find a safe way to pull over and handle it. The first few times you try this, you’ll probably have to pull over, get out of the car, open their door and handle the conflict. Take away the toy, let them know about the consequences coming when you get home, etc. After a few times of handling things this way, it’s easier to take it a step down. You can just pull over and and ask them if they need you to come back there and handle it. Eventually you can pull over and just give a serious look. I remember during our group home days terrifying a bunch of teenage boys by just unexpectedly pulling over, getting out, opening the van door and staring at them for a full minute without saying a word. I got back in my seat and we drove the rest of the way home in peace. (And I should say, they were lovingly terrified— they knew they could trust me, we had a good relationship, but they needed to know I was serious about them ending the bickering.)
Why does pulling over work? Because kids think you can’t parent and drive at the same time. And they’re right. They can be as terrible as they want, and I usually can’t do much about it. Unless I pull over. I am not an amazing driver. I am a very safe driver, but it’s because I know my limitations. I do my best to minimize distractions, which is hard to do when kids are yelling and crying. By pulling over I am able to focus on dealing with their behavior instead of just yelling unenforceable directives from the front seat. Really, many of my parenting strategies are ways I’ve learned to minimize yelling. I hate how it makes me feel when I yell and I don’t like how my kids either get fearful or learn to tune me out when I yell. By pulling over I am able to use the same good parenting techniques I’d use if we were in our living room— making eye-contact, getting down on their level, speaking quietly and seriously, even using some physical connection with them as I address their behavior (a gentle shoulder squeeze to connect with my child who has trouble hearing unless he’s also being touched). I don’t want to throw out those positive practices just because we’re driving or ignore behavior I’d normally address.
Next time you’re going to be driving during a time you know your kids are especially prone to have conflict, budget five extra minutes for a potential pull over and see how it works for you.
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