*This is part of a series of posts on the reasons that keep people from becoming foster parents.*
This is one of the more common reasons I hear for why someone who feels a passion for foster kids, but doesn’t get their license. It’s a reason I hear whispered when one spouse isn’t present. It’s a reason I hear from a grieving partner as they feel they are being held back from a calling or ministry they love. It’s a complicated reason to address. Here are some thoughts:
It’s hard to believe now that there was a time when this guy wasn’t so sure about foster care and adoption. So glad that God changes hearts. The 22 kids who have had the benefit of this man’s parenting are blessed because of it.
If God is calling you, he’s calling your spouse. You are not being called to a ministry that God doesn’t desire for your spouse. It may be that your spouse just isn’t there yet or it may be that God is going to use your passion in this area in a different way. Don’t let this difference in ideas drive a wedge in your marriage. You need to be able to respect your partner’s decision, but know that God has changed many hearts over time. Have faith that if this is what God wants from your family, you will eventually be on the same page even if it takes time. If you can’t get on the same page, then it isn’t the right thing for your family.
You shouldn’t move forward without being on the same team. Would you want to be the child that came into a home where the parents were divided about whether or not it was a good idea to take you in? No. Don’t move forward if you have a spouse who is wiling to go along to please you, but doesn’t think this is a good idea. You both need to be committed to helping kids in crisis. These kids can create a lot of chaos and tension in homes where everybody is united, you can only imagine the damage that can happen if parents disagree about the fact that the child is even in the home. Hopefully a good training process and home study experience should prevent these couples from getting licensed, but you need to be fully convinced that you are in agreement about the rightness of this decision before pursuing it further.
Pray for your spouse. If you are not in agreement, pray for your spouse. Pray not necessarily that God would change their heart, but that you would be in agreement about what is best for your family. Resolve to spend more time praying about it than you spend stewing or being irritated about your difference in opinion.
Don’t badger or nag. Brian and I were not on the same page initially about adoption. I actually drove him farther from adoption by how often I brought it up and nagged him about it. He didn’t want to talk about it and felt like he couldn’t get away from the conversation. I finally felt convicted about it and told him I was going to give him 30 days where I would not bring it up, but at the end of that 30 days we were going to go out and specifically talk about adoption. During those 30 days I prayed for Brian and his heart. I prayed that we would be united since I knew this would be a difficult process. At the end of those 30 days we had a date night, talked it through, and Brian was ready to move forward with the adoption process. I’m not saying this is how it will work for every family, just that it took me stepping back and not nagging him in order for Brian to figure out how he really felt about it. Making your spouse feel trapped is never a good way for them to make a decision.
Commitment/passion levels don’t have to be the same. I don’t think couples are always equally passionate about foster care, or really any topic. This doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. In my opinion, the person who will be shouldering the majority of the care responsibilities needs to be the most committed to the process. In our family, that’s me. I am more passionate about the system, the kids and their needs, and the details of it all, although Brian is deeply committed to foster care on a philosophical level, he is very supportive of our involvement and obviously loves the kids. You need to be on the same page, but the way that looks for each person may be different.
Break the process down into small steps. Sometimes a spouse needs to understand that by taking the first step, they aren’t committing themselves to anything. One spouse may say, “I think we should go to this informational meeting.” and the other spouse hears, “I would like to ruin our peaceful life by bringing in a juvenile delinquent who likes to start fires.” Be sure to communicate that an informational meeting is just an informational meeting. Even completing foster parenting classes doesn’t obligate you to taking kids. Be sure your spouse knows that if at any point you aren’t on the same page you can pause or pull back completely. Getting licensed is a process that takes months and there are many opportunities to decide this isn’t for you. You need to create opportunities to reevaluate your decision throughout the process. For us, we continue to have a serious conversation about our goals in foster care each time we get relicensed or are asked to take a new placement. We both know either one of us could say we were done at any time.
Encourage your spouse to talk to people who are doing this. We often fear what we don’t know. The foster care system has a major public relations problem. People hear about “those kids” or “the system” and want to run the other direction. They make judgments based on what they read in the newspaper or on a Lifetime Original Movie they watched. It can really help to connect with people who are actually doing the work of foster care. Talk to them privately about how this process has gone for them. Meet their kids. Challenge the myths and ask them the tough questions. You want to make an informed decision and talking to foster parents is a major part of how you can get some unbiased information.
Allow yourself time to grieve. If you and your spouse can’t get on the same page, it’s okay to grieve this. It’s hard when a dream you have or a calling you feel goes unfulfilled. Give yourself some time and space to be sad and let go so you aren’t hanging onto bitterness or resentment against your spouse.
Look for other opportunities to serve. You may have this desire in your heart to love foster kids because God has a plan for you to serve in ways outside of directly providing care. I would strongly encourage you to look into becoming a CASA. CASAs are making a big difference in how kids are represented in court and how their voices are being heard. I love this program. There may be local advocacy boards you can serve on, ministries that are meeting practical needs for foster kids or foster families, job opportunities within foster care, or foster families within your community you could be helping by becoming a respite family. If this is a call in your life, I don’t think God has done that without a purpose.
I know it is hard when you and your spouse aren’t on the same page about any issue, but especially with issues of foster care or adoption. It’s hard to feel like this vision you have for your family can’t come true. Just know that God can change hearts— both the heart of you and your spouse. Be open to His leading and love your spouse well through the process.
Any other thoughts from people who disagreed with their spouse, but were able to get on the same page?
Any questions you want to share about what is currently keeping you from foster parenting?
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