I’ve never been accused of not having a sense of humor, but it’s true that I don’t like pranks. I don’t like things that feel dishonest. Being tricked gives me a kind of anger response that I don’t like in myself and work to avoid. This is probably also why I don’t like when people dress in costumes. It just feels dishonest and gives me the creeps. Anyway, my agreement with the world is that I will engage in no pranks, I will wear no costumes and I thank my friends for respecting that and leaving me out of their hijinks. So I can admit that I come at this whole April Fool’s Day situation with some inherent frustrations.
On days like today as a woman who is pretty involved with social media, I’m aware that I can’t avoid running into somebody’s idea of a joke. I’m mostly okay with that, but I think sometimes we aren’t aware of the unintentional implications of what we consider jokes. And sometimes what seems like a hilarious idea to you can be a moment of pain for someone else. So in the spirit of education, I’m going to ask you not to do something today.
For the sake of your infertile friends, please don’t announce a fake pregnancy today.
Pregnancy announcements pretty much always feel like a punch in the gut to an infertile woman. We can be entirely happy for you, but in that moment there’s still the reminder that God has remembered and blessed you and we continue to feel forgotten. This is why I recommend letting your infertile friends know you’re pregnant in a private setting where they can take a moment to adjust to the idea without having that bizarre feeling of wondering, “What is my face doing?” Infertile girls know what I’m talking about—- you hear what should be joyous news, you feel immediate pain and then you wonder if your face is doing the joy thing or the pain thing because you know it should be doing the joy thing to be socially acceptable and supportive of your friend. My preferred method is to have people write me a message to let me know when they’re pregnant. That way my face can do whatever it wants while I work through the mix of emotions.
So on April Fool’s Days in the past, I have been irritated and pained to see my friends who have never struggled with infertility decide today it would be hilarious to announce a fake pregnancy. Friend after friend has this same brilliant idea and with each one I’m struggling to compose myself and know how to respond— are they serious or not? Do I need to be supportive here? Ignore it? Each one feels like that punch in the gut of realizing how easily this does happen for some people and what a struggle it is for others. Each one is its own minefield depending on the relational dynamics I have with that person and it makes me want to stick my head in the sand for one day each year.
And if you think you don’t have infertile friends, you do. Infertility can feel hugely shameful as couples struggle with feeling like they must be fundamentally flawed to not be able to have children. Many infertile couples don’t talk about it at all. Sometimes a couple who had no trouble conceiving in the past may be wrestling with secondary infertility. You may not know who of your friends is walking this difficult road, so it’s good to assume that statistically speaking someone you know is and it is kind to be sensitive toward that pain.
When I announced my pregnancy via Facebook/Twitter and this blog, that was not the first my infertile friends had heard of it. There were individual conversations with those ladies to give them time to process it before they were expected to be publicly supportive. And I’ve appreciated it when my more fertile friends have done the same for me.
I’ve been glad to see that maybe this fake pregnancy announcement is a thing of the past. In which case, consider these the grumpy ramblings of a lady who just doesn’t get lying in the name of a joke. Or maybe I’ve been obnoxious enough in the past that it’s just fallen out of favor with the people in my circle. Either way, I’m thankful, but I also wanted to communicate the WHY of all this instead of just being a killjoy.
Infertile Ladies, does this happen in your circle? Does it bother you?
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