This is the last in our series of guest posts from people who grew up in families who fostered. If you haven’t read them yet, catch up on Karen’s perspective as someone who had parents that made the decision to foster once she was an adult and Bianca’s perspective on some of the challenges of being a sibling to foster kids.
I love Beth’s perspective here, especially since her experiences contributed to her decision to add to her family through adoption. She has a lot of wisdom to offer and I’d especially recommend reading her additional thoughts at the end of this post. She does a great job of pointing out how each of our kids may be impacted differently by this experience even when growing up in the same circumstances. Enjoy!
When did your parents become foster parents? For how long? What ages of kids did they work with?
My parents started fostering when I was in first grade, and continued until I was in middle school. Originally my parents asked for kids younger than their youngest child, but when asked to provide a home for the older sibling of the child we already had, they accepted. This left them with three kids all in the same grade in school! The oldest child was nine, and the youngest was fresh from the hospital! After a few years our home became a “therapeutic home”, or a place for kids with pretty heavy behavior issues.
How did you feel when your parents first brought up the idea of being a foster family?
I don’t really remember them talking to us about it. I do remember that I was pretty excited to get a baby sister!
What was the hardest part of being a foster family for you?
The hardest part for me was when we had a pair of sisters that had some pretty tough behavior issues. They went to school with me, and I heard from other kids about the crazy stuff they did. They were pretty hard to live with, and I was often embarrassed of them. My little girl self had little patience for them!
What was the biggest lesson you learned as a sibling to a foster child?
I learned that you don’t have to be related to someone to be family. They were brothers and sisters while they lived with us.
I learned to love someone even when they act unlovable.
I learned that you don’t have to be a typical child be a typical child. Even kids with disabilities are regular kids underneath their odd behaviors!
How did being part of a fostering family shape your childhood and who you are today?
As I kid, I loved having a house full of kids, always in noisy, chaos and motion, always someone to play with. This lead me to the decision to have a large family.
I also grew up knowing that kids don’t have to be born to you to be yours, which lead our family to adopt.
I think I have a better understanding of how to work with kids who are struggling, and see their perspective.
What did you learn about your parents by watching them foster?
My parents had to be creative when dealing with discipline, and not just with our foster kids, but with their bio kids as well. It’s made me a better parent to be able to think outside the box when it comes to parenting my own kids.
I learned that it’s possible to love a kid, even at their naughtiest.
I learned you don’t have to share DNA to be family.
Would you ever consider fostering?
As a child, I always assumed I’d foster or adopt. I still wonder if we may foster in the future. My husband is definitely less open than I am.
What should parents who already have children in their home consider before deciding to be foster parents?
It’s not an easy thing, parenting kids from tough places. You may need to spend a lot of time and energy on your foster children. Make time to have one on one time with your bio kids as well.
Give your kids the time and freedom to express their true feelings about the situation, even if their feelings are ugly. They need a soft place to land too.
Shelter your kids from the ugly parts of your foster children’s stories as much as possible.
If a child is resistant to their family deciding to foster, how do you think the parents should respond?
New things are scary to some kids, and adding a new kid is a big new thing! Assure you child that you will still be there when they need you. Make plans to do things together just the two of you, and keep those plans.
Allow your child to express their feelings when things happen. It’s OK to be angry, sad, or hurt by your foster child. Do what you can to alleviate specific situations.
Encourage empathy and help them understand other people’s perspectives, not just the foster child’s, but their bio parents as well.
Help them to connect with other kids in similar circumstance. It’s nice to chat with someone who really understands.
Have concrete solutions to their specific concerns. Worried a kid will get into your stuff? Add a door lock, or a cabinet that locks. Worried you won’t get to go on an anticipated trip? Explain how respite care works, and assure them your plans will remain.
*Some additional thoughts from Beth*
I am one of three bio kids and all of us have different perspectives on our experience of having foster siblings. One of my brothers sees it as a horrible experience, and has some resentment towards my parents for that. That said, he’s a great dad and I can see how living with difficult kids helps him deal with his son that has ADHD. My younger brother thought our foster sibs were great fun! He got to keep his place as the baby of the family, and still got to be a big brother. He remembers our foster sibs with great affection, and doesn’t remember their odd behaviors as odd. I remember the hard parts and the fun parts as pretty balanced, depending on the specific kids. We have never had contact with any of our kids, and I’d love to see how they grew up!
I do wish that my parents had been able to say no to a child that was truly not a good fit for our family. In retrospect, I think they feel that way too, but I think it seemed like the best thing to do at the time. I know removing her may have been bad for that child, but the chaos she brought was truly beyond ok. It harmed the trust we had in my parents, especially for my brother.