I love seeing the way being a foster family has positively impacted my kids and how they view the world. But it’s easy for me to be biased as the foster parent. When I meet an adult who has experience as a sibling to foster children, it’s important to me to hear what that experience was like for them. It helps me have empathy for my kids and influences how I handle our fostering situations.
So I wanted to provide you with some perspective from siblings of foster kids. Each person is sharing her own perspective on foster care and it may differ a little or significantly from mine. It’s important to me to hear these stories and reflect on them even if I disagree with their conclusions. They are the real stories of the people who have lived this life and there’s always something I can learn.
This interview is from Karen who writes about her family’s experiences at her blog Borrowing Babies.
When did your parents become foster parents? For how long? What ages of kids did they work with?
My parents became licensed foster parents in May 2011 for one placement at a time, boy or girl, newborn-2 years. We got our first call two months later, and welcomed a newborn baby girl into our home. We are currently fostering our fifth placement, a baby girl who also came to us as a newborn.
How did you feel when your parents first brought up the idea of being a foster family?
Well…this is kind of a funny story. They didn’t bring it up… my siblings and I did. I’m the second oldest of four biological children (Three girls and a boy). My sisters and I begged for another baby brother or sister. My mom told us that her and Dad were “done” and that “we only borrow other people’s babies now.” She meant that we go to church and hold somebody else’s baby, hand them back, go home. I learned about fostering, and after a lot more begging, pleading, and praying, God moved in my parents’ hearts and they started the application process. My dad was much easier to convince than my mom, and finally they were both on the same page.
What was the hardest part of being a foster family for you?
Being away at university and wishing I was home so that I could enjoy the time we do have with these little ones, and so that I could help out around the home.
Feeling like my parents don’t have much say over what happens to the children they care for, and feeling like I have even less of a voice.
The uncertainty and limbo we experience.
What was the biggest lesson you learned as a sibling to a foster child?
Wow. Just one? There have been so many. That family doesn’t have to do with genes or whose roof you live under. That we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow with anybody. That God is sovereign, and He is there all.the.time.
How did being part of a fostering family shape your childhood and who you are today?
I was 19 when we welcomed our first placement home, so fostering didn’t really shape my childhood. It has shaped my life today in countless ways. Since the age of 3 I had wanted to be a doctor… but at 19, about 4 months after we welcomed that first baby girl into our home, my plans changed. I’m now pursuing a Social Work degree and plan to work in Child Welfare.
What did you learn about your parents by watching them foster?
I’ve learned that they are incredible. My mom works part-time as our church secretary, and brings the baby along with her. Her schedule is quite full, and she manages quite the balancing act. I’m amazed at how willingly they (especially my dad) say “yes”. Seeing my parents love these babies has helped me see how much they love me.
Would you ever consider fostering?
Absolutely! I would love to foster one day, and I will have to see if it ever becomes a reality. As I said, I plan to work in child welfare, which can make it hard to become a foster parent due to conflict of interest. I heard it said that once you see how broken “the system” is, you either can’t go near it or can’t ever leave it. I think I’m in the second category, and I’ll just wait to see how God keeps me involved.
What should parents who already have children in their home consider before deciding to be foster parents?
Fostering is not for everybody. However, I think there are a lot of people who could foster but aren’t. It’s not a decision to be made lightly. When you have children in your home, I think it’s important to evaluate how well you are currently able to meet your children’s needs— financially, emotionally, time-wise, etc. Fostering is demanding! It requires a lot of time and energy. I think it’s important to consider issues your children are dealing with. Sometimes I think bringing other kids into the home can help with these issues (such as selfishness), but that should not be your motive for fostering. If you have a child in your home who is aggressive, think about the trauma some of these children have experienced— they don’t need more. And consistently sending a bruised child to a visit with a biological parent is asking for an investigation— are you going to be able to protect an infant from your tough 4 year old? Another note— I think people are generally way too concerned about what age to foster. I am not against fostering children who are older than any of your “forevers”.
If a child is resistant to their family deciding to foster, how do you think the parents should respond?
I don’t think a resistant child is a good enough reason to not foster. You are the parent after all. I do think it’s important to hear what they are saying though. Throughout fostering, biological children do not have a voice. YOU have to make sure their voice is heard. What fears do they have that are making them resistant? If it’s that they don’t want to share Mommy and Daddy, reassure them and tell them ways that you will make sure you still have time for them. If you’re dealing with a kid who doesn’t want to share their toys…you should probably fill out your paperwork faster! I don’t think you should go into fostering with a mindset of “if it doesn’t work out, we can just send him/her back” but I do think it’s okay to go into fostering with a mindset of “Even if we just help one child, that will make a difference. Let’s focus on helping one child and see if our family feels ready to help a second one when the first one no longer needs us.”