Meeting a Need: PLAIS

*This week I’m hosting a series of guest posts by women in my community who saw a need and decided to do something about it. I find each of their stories inspirational in the most literal sense. Many of us can recognize injustice or weakness or pain, but not many of us ask ourselves, “What can I do about this?” I wanted to ask these women what moved them from the “It’s sad” mentality to the “Let’s fix it” mentality in the hope that it would inspire some of you who are on the fence about tackling a challenge of your own.*

I wanted to give Amy and PLAIS a little introduction before we get started. I was incredibly blessed to be involved in PLAIS during some of the hardest moments of our infertility struggle and I’m thankful to Amy for initiating it. When I was sharing with a broader group of people about how instrumental PLAIS had been in helping me find community and support, I had many people saying, “What is PLAIS? How do I find it where I am?” The answer is that you don’t find it, you start it. I am hopeful that women who see the need will step forward to help meet it for the others struggling around them. And a note for pastors and those in church leadership: PLAIS is how we ended up at the church we currently attend. I was going to PLAIS out of desperation for some kind of connection with women who understood and it eventually lead to us landing at that church permanently because of the relationships we developed. The need in your church body is there, it’s real, and it’s largely unspoken. I will never forget Amy showing up at my house with flowers after the loss of our baby even though we weren’t members of her church and I hadn’t been attending PLAIS that long. Those acts of kindness in a painful moment are hugely impacting.
A beautiful ending to to the story of PLAIS (for this season) is that now all of the women involved in that initial group are mothers. And many of us continue to meet regularly, but now we aren’t called PLAIS. Now we meet for foster/adoptive parent support. It was hard to stop meeting as PLAIS, but we could see how God was moving us on and we trust that He will bring women with a need and a passion when the time is right to continue it.

Amy with Pregnancy Loss And Infertility Support (PLAIS)

Some info on Amy
I am not quite sure I am willing to admit to myself that I will turn forty this year. I suddenly became a mother when, with only a week’s notice, we adopted our son in the fall of 2011. Then I blinked, and now two and a half years has flown by.
I am a full time mom, but prior to becoming one, I earned a Bachelor of Science in Dental Hygiene, and was in clinical practice for fourteen years. Now, instead of poking around in people’s mouths and making their gums bleed, I spend my days chasing and feeding and diapering, then mustering up the energy to tidy up the house and make my husband of nearly seventeen years feel special when he walks in the door. It’s a tough gig when you are approaching middle-age and are also the parent of an active toddler.

Four ladies from PLAIS (Rebecca, Lindsay, Maralee, Amy) at the adoption of one of our kids 3 years ago. At the time two were adoptive parents, two were still waiting. Now all of us are mothers through adoption, foster care and/or birth.

What is PLAIS?
PLAIS is an acronym for Pregnancy Loss and Infertility Support.  I made it up. I started PLAIS as a faith-based support group for women, including myself, who were experiencing the pain and grief of infertility and/or pregnancy loss. My hope was to find healing, encouragement and community through sharing and praying with other women in similar circumstances.

How did you first notice a need for PLAIS?
In the Spring of 2005, I experienced the loss of our second baby due to an ectopic pregnancy. A couple weeks later, two other women from our church lost their babies through miscarriage. I began to realize maybe I wasn’t the only one struggling through infertility, and since I had previously experienced loss, I thought I might be able to reach out to the women who were grieving the loss of their first babies. Okay, I just lied. The truth is… I needed someone to cry and grieve with, to listen to me rant about the injustice of it all.  I needed community with other women who understood what I was going through

What made you decide you could meet that need?
I do not claim the spiritual gift of leadership. However, I am an organized, type A person. After reading a story about a woman who began an infertility support group, I thought, “I need this, and I have the ability to organize it.”  I also felt God was calling me to do it.

Who encouraged you to pursue this?
First, I contacted the two women who had miscarried around the same time I did, and asked if they would be interested in meeting with me on a regular basis.  They both responded positively, so I drafted a proposal for group guidelines, and e-mailed it to one of our church pastors. He approved my idea, and encouraged me to proceed.

What advice would you have for somebody who sees a need in their community?
I guarantee there is a need in your community for a safe, non-judgemental place for women who are grieving the loss of unborn children or working through the grief of infertility to share, and receive encouragement. Especially if you feel you need this for yourself, get organized and get going!
My best advice is to start small, within a comfortable network of friends or people such as your church or workplace. The topics you will be discussing, and the feelings you might be inclined to share are very intimate, very difficult, and very real. Most women would not want to pour their hearts out to twenty or thirty, or more people who are possibly strangers. As your group grows, don’t hesitate to equip other leaders and divide into smaller groups to maintain a level of intimacy and safety.
Another suggestion is to meet in intervals that your heart and mind can handle. My group decided to meet only every three months to give ourselves time to process each individual’s story that had been told. It can be pretty heavy stuff.

How can someone start a PLAIS group in their area?
If you choose to start a PLAIS group (or call it whatever you want), the first step is to consider who you want to reach and invite to the initial meeting.  My comfort level was to begin with only women in my church. Because of the sensitivity of issues involved, and because the ultimate desire is experience healing, not just engage in complaining or self-pity, it is important to establish guidelines and goals for your group. Print and distribute them so everyone knows the expectations. Feel free to use this format if it meets the needs of the group you have in mind:

Group Format
1. Introductions- Your name and briefly share why you came
Goal: To form a network of support by identifying others who share/or have shared our struggle.
2. Information exchange- articles or books, relevant medical information, etc.
Goal: To share information related to infertility, pregnancy loss and adoption.
3. Devotion- one person shares a Bible passage, quote, or story that has encouraged her in her struggle.
Goal: To encourage and strengthen each other through God’s word.
4. Speaker- one member shares her entire infertility/loss experience from beginning to end, OR a mentor speaks about her past struggle, OR a book discussion/ topic discussion.
Goal: To experience healing through open discussion.
5. Prayer
Goal: To share prayer requests or praises and to lift one another up in prayer.

Group Guidelines
1. CONFEDENTIALITY within the group
2. No comparing circumstances (ie. Who’s suffering is greatest?)
3. To move forward and not get stuck in self pity.

If you decide to do this within an established organization, get the approval you need and then start inviting. Initially, I bribed people into coming with promises of delicious refreshments. After  a few meetings, more people who needed this kind of community came, and invited friends who were also struggling.
Infertility and miscarriage are such unspoken heartaches in our culture. I started the support group because I needed that hidden, grieving part of me to be known, and I needed accountability. Since initiating PLAIS, I have moved to another state and left behind some wonderful, life-long friends who will always know and understand the pre-mom me.