This was my actual morning. Hope yours was slightly less exciting.
Cast of Characters
Brian: The Husband
Me: Mother of 5 and currently 7 months pregnant
Josh: Age 7. Blessedly playing at the neighbor’s house and not part of this fiasco. We love you, Neighbors.
Danny: Age 5. The dog’s best friend.
Bethany: Age 4. Resident drama queen.
Joel: Age 2. Enough said.
Baby: 10 months. No babies were injured in the making of our morning drama.
This picture is not from today. I was not in a laughing mood this morning.
Brian: (finishing his coffee) Hey, I’m going to go upstairs and get ready for the day. Have you got this?
Me: Have I got this? Taking care of the children? You do know this is what I do every day when you’re not home, right? I think I’ve got this.
Brian: Great. I’ll go get ready.
(While folding laundry I hear what sounds like a small waterfall happening behind the couch.)
Me: NO! No no no no no no no! ARGH! Nooooooooo.
(Baby has dumped my full mug of cold coffee on top of her head and is now standing in a pool of coffee. She seems entirely pleased with herself. Yet another life saved by the fact that it’s impossible for a mother to drink a cup of coffee while it’s still warm.)
Me: Shoot! We don’t touch Mommy’s coffee! Let’s get your pajamas off.
(Dog is now lapping up the coffee from the ground. 30 seconds later he is puking up coffee and his breakfast all over the living room floor.)
Me: Gross! Oh yuck. Nobody step here! Joel, do NOT come over here! Dog, go outside!
Danny (who was outside): Why are you sending the dog outside?
Me: He threw up in the house. If he needs to throw up more, I’d rather he do it outside.
Danny: The dog is sick? I worry about him when he’s sick. He needs some water.
Me: He’s not sick, he just drank my coffee and it didn’t agree with him. Remember that time you went to the birthday party and ate way too many Cheetos and then threw up Cheetos everywhere? It’s like that. He’s not sick, he just ate something he didn’t need to eat.
Danny: I get worried about him. I will get him some water.
Me (*reminder, I am holding a coffee covered child, there is puke on the floor and a curious two year-old watching everything*): HONEY, if he needs water he can get it from the toilet when I let him back in. I DO NOT need you to get him water and make a big mess. I am going to go get Baby dressed. Please just make sure the dog stays outside and don’t play in the puke.
(Go into the girls’ room to get Baby changed.)
Bethany: Whoa. What happened, Mom?
Me: She dumped coffee on herself and then the dog threw up.
Bethany: I want to see!
Me: Ummmm, that’s probably not a good- (she is already gone)
(Baby is dressed, now time to clean up)
Me: Why is there water everywhere?
Danny: I was worried about the dog. I gave him a bowl of water.
Me: Of course you did. Listen, I need to clean up this dog puke, so you guys stay over here with Baby and be sure she doesn’t get in the mess.
(Start to clean up the dog puke. Put it in the toilet and flush. Toilet immediately starts to overflow.)
Me: Shoot! Argh!
Danny: BABY! NO!
(I come running around the corner.)
Me: WHAT?! No! I gave you one job to do! Why is the baby in the puke!
Bethany: I wanted to sit on this chair, but Joel was trying to PUSH IT!
Me: I. don’t. care. about. THE CHAIR! You were supposed to watch the baby and now she’s in the puke!
Bethany: Sooooooorry, Mooooooommy! (flings herself onto the couch, bursts into tears)
Baby did get washed off. The floor did get cleaned. I am now drinking a “fresh” cup of cold coffee. The dog seems to have recovered from his brief stint as a regurgitation barista. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
A big salute to all the moms out there! Labor Day is no break from the meals, laundry, diapers, and general disgustingness of all motherhood requires. It’s a great job. We wouldn’t trade for the world, but here’s to hoping everybody takes a nice long afternoon nap.
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