I am currently pregnant with our sixth child (3 adopted, 1 bio, 1 foster, 1 yet to be born). I am finally coming to terms with the fact that we have a large family. I know for each family that moment comes at a different number. To many, we probably seemed like a large family at four kids and to some of you who have a dozen or more kids we may still seem pretty meager, but in my heart and life and home, this feels like a lot of kids. As the mom in a large family I feel like I have entered an exclusive club open only to other parents of large families. There is a lot of beauty in knowing other people who understand the unique dynamics that exist in large families, but I also see some things that make me squeamish.
“There are HOW MANY kids in this family?!”
We didn’t set out to have a large family. Having a large family just kind of happened to us as we continued to say “yes” to kids in need and “yes” to however God might use our fertility. While we’ve always known becoming a large family was an option and we’ve felt comfortable with that idea, it wasn’t necessarily the goal for us. So sometimes I feel like an outsider in situations where large families are held up as the ideal. Large families are great, but only inasmuch as there are parents capable of handling them.
So I wanted to dispel some myths I hear repeated about large families and let you in on some secrets.
I am not a saint. Having lots of kids is refining, but so are many challenging circumstances. I am not some earth goddess who never gets frustrated by her arguing children. I don’t get up 30 minutes before the children do to sip my coffee and read my Bible. Having lots of kids doesn’t mean much about me except that I have lots of kids. It hasn’t made me less sinful or more patient. Although, I think it has made me more humble. The more kids I have, the more I know how much I don’t know and how different each child is. What worked for children 1, 2 and 4 may be a total failure for children 3 and 5.
I am not unhappy. You may have seen me use my Stern Mommy voice to collect the kids in one little group before crossing the parking lot, but that doesn’t mean I was angry. It means sometimes you have to use Stern Mommy voice to get everybody’s attention for their own safety. A lot of my day is spent in unpleasant tasks (diaper changing, potty assistance, cleaning messes, refereeing arguments), but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my days. I like the challenge of lots of kids. I like being busy. I like group dynamics.
My kids are not inherently better. Yes, they have had to learn how to share, but they are still pretty selfish. They know about taking turns, they know about boy and girl dynamics, they have learned how to help at early ages, they understand they have to share my attention. But that doesn’t mean they like any of those things. They can be such heathens on a daily basis and while they know what they have to do to keep this family functioning, their attitudes can still stink. They can resent all those demands placed on them by being in a large family at which point all those character gains end up being losses. It’s great if they know how to behave when interacting with others, but I’m much more interested in their hearts.
My kids are not inherently worse. If you and I are having a conversation and your kid interrupts to ask you a question, that would seem normal (although worth addressing with that child later). Now multiply that by 5 or 6 or whatever. Same thing for whining or conflicts between siblings or wet pants if you are blessed to have multiple potty-trainers at the same time (which I have been). Sometimes it can appear my kids are more demanding or problematic, but in reality it’s just because there are more of them that it seems more wild or chaotic. I am only telling you this because it’s something I also have to remind myself. They are not being more naughty, there’s just more of them being a normal amount of naughty. There may be moments that my kids get away with something because I was distracted by another child and didn’t see it, but there are also a thousand times when they can’t get away with ANYTHING because there’s a sibling right there watching and tattling. And for the record, while all mothers are going to have different preferences, if you see a behavior problem happen that you know I didn’t see, please let me know. I can’t address what I don’t know about and there are ways in which raising a large family takes a village. Feel free to be part of that village.
I don’t think everyone should have a large family. Maybe you have never run into this mentality, but there are circles where large families are considered a necessary act of obedience to God. I just don’t think God has the same calling on every family when it comes to family size. He has given us different talents and abilities and it pains me to see people feel pressured into taking on more than they can reasonably handle. To me, it’s a stewardship issue. I love big groups. I love multitasking. The most frustrated and irritable I ever was as a parent was when we had just one child. It was a real challenge for me to keep myself mentally engaged when there was just one. If you love having a small family, embrace that. It may be that God has skilled you for just such a purpose. Just because I have lots of kids doesn’t mean I have any wisdom or judgement on what size family you should have.
I am not offended when people notice and/or comment on our family size. If my goal in life was that people not say awkward things to me about my family, then I wouldn’t have had all these kids (and for that matter, I certainly wouldn’t have transracially adopted). When you’re doing something outside of the societal norm, you’ve got to expect that people are going to say something about it. Maybe what they say is rude, but I’ve often found that they are generally just opening the door to conversation. And the more stressed and angry and smart mouthed I get with them for noticing my family size, the more I am reinforcing in their minds that only crazy people would have this many kids.
I am not trying to fill a void in my life with children. I genuinely like kids. Lots of them. I’m not trying to make myself feel useful by having lots of kids or trying to save the world via adoption or treating postpartum depression with pregnancy. Just because this amount of kids seems like something you wouldn’t want to try to handle doesn’t mean I’m crazy for enjoying it.
I am limited by my kids. With the addition of each child in my family there has been a moment of total joy and euphoria and a moment of grief. It takes some adjusting to change my life and schedule to accommodate another person in our family. I can’t just go out for coffee. It’s tough to have friends over. My budget, my time, my energy— all of these things are limited by the fact that we have a large family. I know this, it can make me sad at times, but it is part of the sacrifice of the life I’ve chosen and I’m okay with that. It just may mean that other things have to take a backseat in my life during this season.
However many kids you have, you are probably as busy/stressed/challenged as you’ll ever be. One child is hard. Two children are hard. Twelve children are hard. I don’t look at people with less kids than I have and assume they have more free time or they’re less stressed. We all seem to fill our lives up to capacity all the time. By the same token, if I had waited until life seemed calm and chaos free to add another child to our family, I never would have had more than one. I think this perspective has helped to keep me from going into a full on panic over having a sixth child. It will be hard, but I don’t know that it will be that much harder than going from 3 to 4 kids or any other number. It’s always a stretching and adjustment process.
We see our kids as blessings— challenging, adorable, stressful, wonderful blessings. We are thankful for each of their lives and see the unique ways God brought our family together as a bit of a miraculous process. I’m thankful for the years of infertility that help me appreciate the gift of each life in our family, even if at times it does seem chaotic and crazy. A large family isn’t for everyone, but I’m thankful it’s what God designed for us.
5 Comments
Leave a reply →