Being a mom can be a terribly isolating experience. It seems counterintuitive on some level— you now have a person (or two or six) around you all the time, so how can you feel isolated? But moms know that devoting yourself to your children can make it incredibly difficult to get your relational needs met by peers or to have accountability from other women or to invest in your marriage or or or or. . . You get the idea. That was the subject of my radio interview this month. As always, you can listen to it at the link below and also read some additional thoughts that we may not have covered during the interview. Readers, thanks for being part of my community. Some of my desire to write was born out of that loneliness. It was a reaching out to see if there was anyone else like me out there. I’m glad you’ve joined me for the ride.
-Churches and Pastors— Do you want to grow community in your church? Facilitate support meetings for women. Be vocal about the importance of people meeting in small groups. Don’t underestimate the value of women meeting to deal with the struggles of their lives. Even if that isn’t your scene or your passion, know that it can have incredible value especially for women who are hurting from the pain of loss or who are looking for support during a difficult time. We attend the church we do specifically because it was a place where women with infertility and pregnancy loss were openly sharing about their struggles and the church was actively supporting them.
-There is a long “um” in my response to the question about when a mom pursued me for spiritual growth. For the record, that is my real “um”, not a radio friendly noise and I kind of hoped it would be edited out. It is the thinking sound you’d hear me make when I’m kind of stumped, which is not something I like doing in a radio interview. The reality is that it wasn’t hard for me to think of a time a mom had reached out to me, it was just hard for me to think of a time when that was related to some kind of spiritual growth focus. That long pause (and they did edit out about half of the long pause. . . it was really long) haunted me a bit after we finished our interview because I think it exposed a problem in my compartmentalizing of relationships. Spiritual community is what happens at Bible study. A mom telling me she’s exhausted and needs some help or wants to get together for a playdate— I don’t see that as “spiritual” but I think I’m wrong. The opportunity for spiritual interactions, accountability, encouragement, fellowship, and community are always present when we are together. I need to think more about that reality and stop compartmentalizing the spiritual away from the emotional and relational.
-I am pretty sure everyone feels left out at some point, especially if you are involved in social media. It’s easy to see other people getting together without you and it can hurt your feelings. I think it takes a very conscious change of perspective to be okay with seeing people are getting together without you. The reality is that you can’t be friends with everyone. You can’t even be equally close with all of your friends. There are parties you can’t go to and events you wouldn’t even be interested in, so instead of feeling upset about them, sometimes you have to choose gratitude. I am grateful that my friends have other friends! I’m glad that they can get together even when I can’t because the reality is that it’s hard for me to get out of the house these days. I’m thankful that my friends have lots of people investing in them and meeting their needs because I can’t possibly be the only friend all my friends need. When my friends are having fun, that’s good for me! They are building connections that benefit me, too and extending my circle of friends. The more I focus on having a pity party, the less anybody is going to actually want to be my friend. I know that response doesn’t come naturally, but I want to rejoice with my friends who are rejoicing, even if they are rejoicing with other friends and posting a thousand pictures of it.
-If you have a passion (for us, that’s foster care), engage your community. Be the one to educate your friends and church body. Realize that God is giving you that drive for a reason. Use your voice to raise awareness and let people know how they can be involved. As foster parents, we had to learn to see our “ministry” as extending outside our house. We needed the support of our church body and THEY needed US to let them know how they could be part of what we’re doing.
-As much as I want community and friendship, sometimes I don’t want to do the work. I want to sit at home in my sweat pants and complain about how nobody wants to be my friend, but I don’t actually want to leave my house and make friends. I have to prioritize relationships if I want to have relationships. It seems simple enough, but it can be really tough to save the energy for adult relationships when you’re exhausted by your day job.
-I am not enough for my kids. I won’t always know what they need or be the person they need to help them. It is beautiful to me to see other adults love my children and create connections with them. This is a necessary part of being The Body of Christ as we invest in each other’s children. I consider it a privilege to interact with the kids of my friends and genuinely want to know how they’re doing and see them grow. I want to be their community.