The Unexpected Reproduction Conversation

Before you read this, there are a few things you should know:

-I believe “the sex talk” isn’t just THE sex talk, it is a series of conversations that often happen while you’re just trying to mash a banana for the baby and get breakfast on the table. This was one of those conversations although we have had many before and I’m sure we will have many later.

-We believe that sex outside of marriage can have some tough consequences and we are educating our kids about those things. You don’t have to agree, but I’m giving you a heads-up that that’s the perspective we’re coming from.

-As I reflect on what I said, there are a thousand things I think I could have said better or handled differently (I probably didn’t need to make them self-conscious about how they look without pants), but that’s why this is an ongoing conversation and not a onetime event. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another shot at clarifying those things in the future.

-I have eliminated the names of my kids. They are not listed here in age order, just in order of who spoke first.

So here we go. This is the actual conversation that happened at my breakfast table this morning.

Child A: The neighbor kid says we have three butt holes.

Me: What?!

Child A: The neighbor kid says we have three butt holes

Child B: Do we have three butt holes?

Me: She should not be talking to you about that. And her information is not good. If she says that to you again, what do you need to do?

Child A: Go tell her mom.

Me: Sure. But first you need to tell her that’s private and you’re not going to discuss it. AND DON’T LAUGH if she says it.

Child A: But do we, Mom? Does everybody have three butt holes?

Child B: Is this a butt hole (points to mouth)?

Child C: That’s a PIE HOLE.

Me: No, that is not a butt hole, that’s your mouth. And can we stop saying that word? I don’t like that word.  And OBVIOUSLY you do not have three butt holes. Do you poop out of three places? No.

Child A: Why would she say we have three butt holes?

Me: (Sigh) Okay, well, I think she might have been talking about how girls have three holes- one for pee, one for poop and one for babies. But boys don’t have three holes there.

Child D: The baby hole is called a CHINA.

Me: Close. It’s a VAgina.

Child A: But don’t boys help make the baby? Where’s our hole for making a baby?

Me: It’s the same one you pee with. (Holding out my index finger) If this is your penis and the pee comes from here in your bladder, down beneath when you’re a man those testicles will make sperm.

Child A: (Looks in his pants) I already have those testicles. AM I A MAN NOW?

Me: Not quite. You always have them, but they don’t start making sperm until you’re older.

Child A: How does the sperm get to the baby? I thought you made babies by rubbing butts together.

Me: OH MY GOODNESS! How many times have we talked about where babies come from? Rubbing butts together?! How would that even work? Never mind. NOBODY ANSWER THAT. You have to have the sperm that is inside the dad get to the egg that is inside the mom.

Child A: Do they take a needle to get to the sperm out and then shoot it into the mom?

Me: Oh boy. Um, no. Okay. (Holds up my finger again) If this is your penis and now we know moms have an extra hole for babies to come out (holds up other hand, making a circle), you have to do this (puts finger into circle).

ALL CHLDREN SHOUT IN AMAZEMENT.

Me: I know! Awesome, right?

Child A: Is it just a little bit or the whole penis? Does it all fit?

Me: If a ten pound baby can come out of that hole, then a penis will fit. But NOT UNTIL YOU’RE MARRIED. You can’t make a baby every time you have sex, but every time you have sex there’s a chance you could make a baby. Even if you try really hard not to, you still could. Babies need a mom and dad, so this isn’t something you do until you have a job, you have a place to live, and you are married so you could take care of a baby.

Child A: What if I have a job, I have a place to live and I’m getting married on Tuesday, but I want to have the sex on Monday?

Me: NO. NOT EVEN THEN. Here’s the deal– when Daddy and I got married, we promised to love each other forever, we gave each other rings, then we ate lunch with all our relatives, then we went away together and had sex. That is how you do things. Nobody takes any pants off until after you get married and have lunch with your relatives.

Child D: Why do we have to wait?

Me: Because God says that’s wise and he’s right. What if you make a baby and you aren’t ready to take care of it and you don’t have a husband to help you or you don’t have a wife to help? That would be really hard. . . And what if you look weird when you take off your pants? Once you’re married, your husband can’t leave you just because you look weird. Don’t take off your pants until you know he promised to stay with you no matter what you look like without pants.

Child D: Do we look weird without pants, Mom?

Me: No, you’re all lovely. But just don’t take your pants off until you’re married. When you have sex with someone, it’s like you’re taking your heart and mashing it all up with their heart. You can’t just get it back when you’re done. It can really break your heart if you have sex with people you don’t stay married to.

Child A: So did you and Dad just do the sex when you got married and then when you made the babies?

Me: Um. . . Sex isn’t just for making babies. Sex is also very fun when you’re doing it with your spouse. So Daddy and I have had sex other times.

(Brian comes home from being at a breakfast meeting and has Mother’s Day flowers for me)

Me: Short recap– The kids asked if you make babies by rubbing butts together, so we are discussing that.

Child A: Dad, you guys have sex sometimes?

Brian: Yes we do. Married people can do that after their kids are asleep or when they go away on trips or. . . But you only need to do that when you’re married.

Child A: Can we kiss before we’re married?

Me: Ummmmm. . .

Brian: Maybe not all kinds of kissing. We can talk about that later.

Child A: There’s different kinds of kissing?

Me: Well, we don’t kiss you the same way we kiss each other, do we?

Child A: Oh.

Me: Do you have any more questions?

Child A: No. I need to go work on my magic tricks.

 Me: Okay, but you guys know you can ask us about this stuff whenever. And next time the neighbor kid tries to talk to you about it, just know she may not be totally accurate and you need to come check with Mom. And tell her that’s private!