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Sign of Spring: All the bags of hand-me-down purged clothes being exchanged at church.
Turns out half the Sara Bareilles songs I liked were actually Ingrid Michelson songs and I couldn’t tell they were two different people.
#toooldforpopmusic
Josh (8): I need a band-aid.
Me: Are you bleeding? That doesn’t look like it’s bleeding to me.
J: But Mom, Grandma would give me a band-aid and you’re her daughter, so I’d think YOU would know to give me a band-aid, too.
Mom Guilt. The gift that keeps on giving.
When we named the baby Theodore, I knew he’d get called “Teddy Bear.” But I didn’t anticipate how often we’d call Carolina “Care Bear.”
#mybabybears
Me: Why are you doing that weird bounce? If you have to go to the potty, then you need to go.
Joel (3): I’m just dancing, Mom.
Me: Oh. . . right. . . sorry
Apparently, he got my dancing skills. Poor little fella.
I wasn’t especially surprised when Carrie (16 months) panicked and cried when the doctor looked in her ears and eyes and listened to her lungs. I was surprised when she cried just as hard watching the doctor do those same things to her baby brother.
#bigsister #bigheart
Josh: I got Harry Potter from the library today.
Me: Hmmmmm. I’m not sure you’re ready for that.
Danny: I can look at it as much as I want. Because, you know, I can’t read and there aren’t any pictures.
#brutalhonestyDan
Danny (6): Mom, when Moses turned the river to blood, did all the fishes die?
Me: Ummmmm, probably?
D: I’m sad about those fishes, Mom.
#priorities
Reason you should not be a distracted parent: You might accidentally say to your child, “Stop whining and do your worksheet. It’s time to read ‘The Grant and the Asshopper’.”
#momfail
Waitress (looks at all the kids, then points to Teddy): So, is that one adopted or is he your own?
Me: Well, they’re all my own, but we made that one.
#adoptionterminologyproblems #sayitwithasmile
Bethany (5): Mom, what’s that blue thing?
Me: That’s a Porta Potty. It’s a bathroom for the guys doing the construction there.
B: Oh. . . I thought it was the TARDIS, Mom.
#childrenofnerds
My mom is coming over so I am cleaning my room. Because apparently, I am still 14. Some things never change.
#momguiltmomguilt
I was changing Carrie’s diaper last night when she decided to put her foot up to her ear and say, “Hello?” Turns out it doesn’t matter whose tummy you came out of, if you’re in this family you become a comedian.
Danny (6): Look! I got an E for Effort on my paper!
Josh (8): No, it’s an E for Idiot.
Me: Ummmm, that’s not nice. And it’s also incorrect.
#brothers #notastarspeller
I’m starting to think we should be buying our peanut butter by the vat. Or the keg.
#largefamilyproblems
I can make a delicious roast, a decent chocolate cake, and some amazing meatballs. I cannot make an edible grilled cheese sandwich to save my life. Help!
Josh (8): Can we go in Pete’s house?
Me: As long as that’s okay with his mom. And remember-
J: Yes, Mom! (out the door)
. . . I may have given my “Be respectful, don’t ask for snacks, keep your pants on” speech one too many times.
Josh (8): Mom, is it warm enough to wear those pants? You know, they’re like regular pants, but not as long? What are they called? The pants? They’re pants, but shorter?
Me: Shorts?
J:. . . Oh yeah. . .
#longwinter
Bethany (5): This isn’t Target.
Me: They didn’t have grown-up dresses at Target, so I thought maybe we’d find an Easter dress for me at Old Navy.
B: Oh yes, Mom! I’m SURE they have a grown-up dress for you at Old Lady!
#notfunny