My family had an amazing experience this summer. Our son was able to meet his biological brother. In the foster care world, this isn’t anything so spectacular. Our kids adopted from foster care have biological siblings and we keep in touch with them. But this is the biological sibling of my son adopted from Liberia. It is a rarity for kids who are internationally adopted to have this kind of information about their birth family and be able to establish a connection, so I wanted to share their story.
While we were in Liberia picking up Josh (2007), we were told that his birthmother was pregnant. This information did not come through any official channel, but there was someone involved with the orphanage who personally knew Josh’s birthmother and casually mentioned to us that he thought she was having another baby. We knew nothing other than that little bit of information, but we knew if there was any way we could keep these siblings together, we wanted to do it. This was in September. Josh’s brother was born in January.
During the first year after we brought Josh home I wrote several times to our adoption agency about the possibility of a birth sibling coming into the orphanage. I told them that we wanted to keep these children together and that we would do whatever was necessary. In the back of my mind there was always a possibility that we could get a call and we’d need to start pulling together documents and finances to go get Josh’s sibling. But the call never came.
It was a true “coincidence” (that I feel was an act of God) that we ever found out Josh had a biological brother in the orphanage. I was a member of an online support group for people who were affiliated with our adoption agency. Women who had already been through the adoption process would help walk the waiting parents through it. We would share information, pray for each other, and rejoice when kids made it safely home. One day a woman asked for prayer for the child they were waiting to adopt because he was very sick. She wrote his full name and his last name was one letter different from my son’s. I wrote her privately to ask if she had any other information about his history and mentioned the similarity in their last names. She sent me a picture. This was clearly Josh’s brother. No doubt. (The spelling difference wasn’t unexpected when the illiteracy rate is high)
I struggled with a lot of feelings about this situation. Here was a couple who had no children and were joyfully awaiting the arrival of this little one. How could I begrudge them that when I SO well knew those feelings? But I felt really betrayed. We had clearly communicated to our agency that we would adopt a sibling, that they should be together, but that was ignored. I still don’t know why that happened. I have a couple theories, but the likely explanation is that nobody made the connection, especially because of the one letter last name difference in the paperwork. I see now how God used that for his good plan, but it has contributed to our passion for keeping sibling connections in our current work with foster kids.
I was able to keep in contact with the woman waiting for Josh’s brother, Jonah. She would tell me how things were developing in their process. I would pray for this baby when he was ill. We talked about future meet-ups for these brothers so they could keep in contact. I wanted to do all that I could to allow Josh the ability to have a relationship with his brother. But then Liberia closed to international adoption.
There was a long period of time where nobody knew what was going to happen to these kids caught in the middle. They had families waiting for them, but their adoption process wasn’t at a point where they could leave the country. Some families were able to jump the last hurdles and take their children home. Some families abandoned the process entirely. The orphanage was mostly emptied of children (either via adoption or because their birth families returned for them when they heard adoptions wouldn’t be happening), but still this little guy had nowhere to go. His waiting family finally had to let go of that dream and a new dream for him was realized. He was going to be adopted by his foster family.
Jonah had not done well in the orphanage. Not every kid can make it in an institution and some have personalities that especially struggle. This little guy was one of them, so from the time he was a baby he was in a foster home. He was being loved by a missionary family with five biological kids (some had already left home) who wanted to help with the neediest orphans while they waited to be adopted. They had grown to love him very much, but were aware of the reality that he had a family waiting for him. When that door closed, they decided the best thing for him was to become a permanent member of their family.
(This has been a beautiful thing for our family, too. It has created an open door for Josh to know more about Liberian culture than we would ever be able to teach him. He has a brother who is growing up there in a family that has lived there for decades. We will have the option to take Josh to Liberia when he gets older and he will be able to experience it in ways that we couldn’t offer him as just tourists. He has someone he loves there and it keeps his heart there in a special way. We have access to information about his birth family we otherwise wouldn’t have. And we have been able to build a unique relationship with a family that means a lot to us. We have the commonality of foster parenting, which helps us understand exactly how they came to the decision they did– even when you aren’t planing to adopt, sometimes you realize a child loves you and has attached to you. The best thing you can do for them and for your family is to make it official.)
So for years we have talked to Josh about his biological brother. He has had questions and we have known that contact in any way would be important to him. This last year when Ebola came to Liberia, Jonah’s family was on the front lines—even helping out in the hospital. A family wedding took them to the States and as the crisis escalated they found themselves unable to return at the scheduled time. They ended up about 8 hours from us. This happened during a pretty crazy time for our family. We just had our sixth baby and travel of any kind seemed out of the question. But we kept in touch and hoped we would be able to get the boys together before their time here was over.
In June we were getting down to the wire. They had one more week in the states and it looked like maybe we weren’t going to be able to get together. I sat down with Josh to talk to him about it. I told him that we could Skype, they could write letters, but because of how their plans had worked out and because of our family situation, it didn’t look like we were going to be able to get together.
Josh broke.
It tore my heart out to see him like that. I’m not going to go into the specifics of how painful this was for Josh, but it was enough that I knew we had to do whatever it took. Whatever. So I worked with his brother’s mom and we came up with a plan. Brian took the day off work and we drove 5 hours to meet them halfway at a park in Iowa for the day. Whatever trouble it was to take a 5 hour car trip with six kids under the age of 9, let me tell you it was worth it to see those two boys embrace each other.
Josh ran out of our van to grab Jonah. They hung on each others necks and both their mothers cried. In some ways they are mirror images of each other– some similar features and mannerisms. Similar fears and emotional reactions. Similar strength and hearts. And in some ways they are very different. I think a lot of that comes from their positions in their families– Josh is the oldest in a family of six kids while Jonah is the youngest in a family of six kids and in some ways an only child.
They spent the day racing each other and playing games and telling stories. They made any excuse they could to touch each other, which was so sweet to see. As parents, it was great to talk about the struggles of our kids with somebody who understood in a unique way. We were also able to learn a lot about Liberia and the history of our son. I felt like I was just trying to soak all that in, ask all my questions, learn all I could, and still keep my eyes on the beautiful boys in front of me.
It was a sweet time and it was over too soon, but I was thankful that the pain Josh had experienced in thinking he was not going to meet his brother didn’t reappear when it was time to say goodbye. In the days afterwards there were lots of stories and questions, but it was all very positive. Josh talks about being college roommates with Jonah someday. He also includes Danny (his brother via adoption or “real brother” as the boys like to say) in this scenario, which makes my heart happy.
I am so thankful we were able to make this work. I think as mothers, both of us knew there was potential pain in this decision. Maybe the boys wouldn’t connect. Maybe they would and would be incredibly grieved to be apart again. Would it be better if they didn’t even know the other existed? But we have chosen to give our kids truth. We want them to have open doors for relationships with biological family and we will do what we can to help them. We know there can be pain in that process, but there is also potential for great joy. We see how this situation allows Josh an open door to Liberia and his family and we see how this situation may allow his brother a more natural connection to America and life here if he should someday choose it.
I would be lying if I said there wasn’t pain in this story for me as well. It is hard when my mind drifts to the what ifs of it all. It was hard to watch Josh grieve and to try and explain to him how the decisions of adults and organizations and governments meant that these boys were separated. I imagine there was pain for Jonah’s mother too, for her own reasons. But we have had to make peace with the reality of this situation and see the ways God has used it for good. These boys are loved. They are are in safe families who are teaching them to be godly men. They each have five siblings who adore them. And now they have each other.
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