I want to share with you a moment of realness about being a transracial family. And it involves the grocery store, as most moments of realness seem to do in my life.
This last week I took my two oldest boys (ages 8 and 6) with me on our grocery trip. I am white. They are Liberian and Sioux. Neither of them look a thing like me or like each other. Most of the time I don’t even think about it. They have been my boys since they were babies and brothers since before they can remember. We are very used to this reality and it doesn’t cross my mind how obviously we are not your typical family until we’re out in public. Sometimes I realize that people don’t even assume we are family until one of my kids yells, “MOM!” and then I see them starting to put the pieces together.
I love talking about adoption. I am a vocal advocate for kids who need families and I don’t mind having those conversations (when they are appropriate and respect my kids’ privacy) in public. I am not embarrassed to be a multiracial family, but it can make me a little hyper aware of the behavior of our family. Which is just what happened the other night at the grocery store.
My boys are. . . exuberant. They are loud, rambunctious and fun. They squeal and scream when they are excited and they seem to pretty much always be excited. This is exactly how they were behaving at the grocery store. A couple times I had to deal with one of them good-naturedly pushing the grocery cart into the other one. Then there were the times one was grabbing the other around the shoulders and trying to lift him off the ground while the other one protested (again, all in good fun). In the freezer section they decided to do some sprints up and down the aisle. And always they are narrating their thoughts, loudly enough for anybody to hear (to the embarrassment of their self-conscious mother).
I have my standards and I try to distinguish problem behavior from annoying behavior. They weren’t being destructive, they weren’t angry or upset, they weren’t bothering anybody (except maybe me). They were just being loud little boys who have an excess of energy and emotions. But I felt self-conscious about the fact that they are loud little boys with an excess of energy and emotions WHO ARE OBVIOUSLY ADOPTED.
When we got out of the grocery store I wanted to have a chat with them about this. I talk very openly and honestly with them about lots of topics, especially when it comes to adoption. I wanted to tell them about how people make assumptions about adopted kids- that maybe they don’t consider us their “real” family or they are problem children or damaged children or that I am a saint for taking them on. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. And I’m glad I didn’t.
When I thought about the behaviors that were bothering me and how others might perceive them, I realized if these were two kids who obviously looked alike, nobody would have even noticed them. Their behavior would have been seen for exactly what it was– the behavior of brothers. My boys are BROTHERS. They fight, they hug, they get irritated and they are extremely loyal to each other. That would have all been seen in that grocery store if somebody was watching them with the understanding that these two boys who look nothing alike, are brothers. And these boys shouldn’t have to be self-conscious about that or worried about what people might think about about their natural, normal, typical brother behavior.
And I am their mom. That fact was also on full display as I had them help me pick out cereal, chastised them for running past the end of the aisle without looking to see if somebody was coming and scratched their backs and rubbed their heads when they came up beside me. These are my boys, but sometimes I feel like we have to be better than the average family just so people won’t make negative assumptions about us. I feel guilty for being stern with them because I imagine people think, “What poor little guys. First they’re abandoned and now this woman is mean to them.” I feel guilty if I let them get away with problem behavior because I imagine people thinking, “Those kids are out of control! That’s just how it goes with adopted kids. Next think you know they’ll be robbing liquor stores.” And that’s not even to take into account the assumptions people make about my kids because of their ethnicity.
I can’t control what other people think and 99% of the time I’m not parenting with their opinions in mind. I just want to be honest with you about the struggle of obviously adopted families. We feel like wherever we go, we become the poster family for adoption. We love adoption and want people to see it positively which can become a weight around us and unnecessarily influence the parenting decisions we make. I want people to see them as loved and well cared for, so I make sure they wear nice outfits when we go out instead of dressing in what they’d pick for themselves. Especially when it comes to hair care issues for our two African American kids, I am slightly obsessed with being sure people know we care and are intentional about learning what they need. My philosophical desire to let my kids be themselves goes into a battle with my desire to have our family perceived as loving and “natural” in spite of how we appear. I have to make a conscious effort to let go of wanting to be seen a certain way and trust that in being an authentic family, people will see the truth- that these kids are my “own” and our family is “real” in every sense of the word.
If you see an obviously adopted family in public, give them a smile. Feel free to say something encouraging about how the kids are behaving or how sweet a smile that little girl has or how exhausting, but rewarding parenting can be. Talk to us– mom to mom, not adoptive mom to non adoptive mom. Be aware that we are carrying a burden and it may not be the one you think. We are not carrying a burden of being the parents to these great kids, we are carrying the burden of expectations– our own and the perceived expectations of the people around us. Help us lay that down by seeing us for who we are– a family.
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