Today is a day to remember. Some of us are remembering little sons and daughters we lost before we even knew if they were sons or daughters. Some of us are remembering babies born asleep. Some of us are remembering children who opened their eyes and cried and brought us joy and then they left us too soon. All of us are remembering little lives that the world seems to forget as it just keeps moving on without them. It is good to take some time to grieve what we have lost and to remind the world that they were people worth remembering who had value and were loved no matter how short their time on earth.
In honor of those precious little lives, I’ve collected my writings and the guest posts I’ve received about miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth and infant loss. I hope they will be a comfort to those who grieve with me and a helpful empathy reorientation for those who are supporting others who grieve.
To My Ectopic Baby: “I remember begging God to spare you. And then the pain lessened and I felt peace that while you would never come to us, we would someday go to you. I was honestly thankful that we had the gift of you even for just a little while. I’ve never stopped being thankful for that. For YOU. But I still miss you.”
Lies My Miscarriage Told Me: “Maybe the biggest lie my miscarriage told me was that my children didn’t count. They weren’t real. Believing God’s truth changes all that for me. Even the children who don’t see life have lives that matter.”
My Ectopic Pregnancy Experience: “Is this baby alive or dead? Is there any hope? What can we do? Why did this happen? Did I somehow cause this? Can’t we move the baby? Is the procedure to deal with an ectopic pregnancy essentially an abortion? All these questions are complicated by the quick timeline required by an ectopic pregnancy. To avoid rupturing a fallopian tube (which along with impairing your fertility could also kill you) decisions have to be made quickly. Doctors know how to deal competently with removing ectopic pregnancies, but I don’t think they always know how to explain it to you, allow you a moment to grieve and help you feel empowered in the decision making process all in the timeframe that feels safe to them.”
Comfort in Our Loss: “If you can remember baby’s due date or the one year anniversary of our loss it will mean so much to us. We can find that we have a little sadness each year at about the time of our loss and if you can offer some support during those times it may help us get through.”
Hannah’s Story: Stillbirth: “We were taken to our hospital room, waiting for the nurses to bring in the body of our son. What we had looked forward to the most, what we had talked about and imagined, was what we dreaded – looking at our son’s lifeless face. Baby John was beautiful. He looked just like Andrew across his eyes, and just like me in his nose and mouth. Holding his lifeless body caused us to grieve more completely, allowing us to surrender our son to the Creator Who formed him and loves us.”
Chelsey’s Story: Miscarriage: “My growing worry was confirmed and my midwife counseled me on what needed to happen next. What began as a much anticipated checkup concluded with me lying in a hospital following a DNC, wondering what had just happened.”
Aubrey’s Story: Ectopic Pregnancy: “This world is broken and I am reminded of that every day. I wish I could have met you here, but I can rejoice that you are perfect and whole in a world with no brokenness, pain, or sadness. I also rejoice knowing that I will one day get to meet you and finally see what color your eyes are.”
Cheryl’s Story: Miscarriage and Infertility: “The day I saw you was so bitter sweet. There you were, my beautiful child, looking like a little gummy bear, so still and peaceful on the ultrasound screen. I waited to hear your heart beating but never did. I started crying that day and I don’t think I stopped for weeks.”
Jenny’s Story: Miscarriage: “I wish so badly that I would have been able to rejoice at being pregnant with twins before mourning the loss of you. I never had the chance.”
Rebecca’s Story: Miscarriage and Infertility: “You matter to me and to your dad and to your big sister who proudly proclaims your life to friend and stranger alike. She looks forward to meeting you in heaven one day. So do I.”
Allison’s Story: Miscarriage: “Our lives went on but they were never the same. I ached for the baby I lost. I ached for a baby to hold and love. I felt betrayed by God. I still don’t understand to this day the “why” of the pregnancy loss. I didn’t get pregnant soon after. I didn’t adopt a child in that time. I grieved for months and got to know a different circle of women that I had joined the ranks of. I was a Mom with no child.”
Alicia’s Story: Miscarriage: “I am so thankful for each one of you, each blessing that you are! Thankful that I could carry you, know you for even a short time. So thankful for God’s promises, and I rejoice knowing we will be reunited in Heaven someday.”
Bethany’s Story: Miscarriage: “Even though we never got to meet you, we still consider you a blessing from The Lord and call you our child. I was blessed and honored to be your mom here on earth, even if it was only for 16 weeks while you grew in my womb.”
Michelle’s Story: Infant Death: “The day you were born, we loved you from the moment we saw you. Dad told me 5 or 6 times we had had a boy and he said that each time I smiled. Happy. Happy that you were here. Happy that you were a boy. Happy that Jesus gave you to us. Even for a moment. We knew, I guess, in our hearts that we’d only have hours with you, moments really, but we were so happy to lay our eyes on your sweet face. Hold your delicate, small body and try to protect you for the moments that we had.”
How to Walk with a Friend in Grief: “A walk with someone through grief is a long one. It’s not a short walk around the block. It’s a marathon, but longer than any marathon you’ve ever run. If you commit, commit. Be there. Listen to your friend when they are ready to talk. Most of all you can be on your knees for them and love them where they are.”