Empathy in the Age of Google

A friend from college unexpectedly lost her four year-old son in a heartbreaking accident. A close friend was recently diagnosed with another health problem on top of the others she already wrestles with. Painful struggles in my own family have humbled and exhausted me. Suffering has seemed to be all around me in big and small ways.

Photos by Rebecca Tredway Photography

We live in such a fix-it culture, I think it has become difficult to know how to be okay with suffering. Our first thoughts are about figuring out solutions rather than acknowledging the difficulty that person is facing. You’re feeling lonely because you’re single? There’s an app for that. You’ve got a medical diagnosis that has left you confused and frustrated? There’s an essential oil for that. You lost your job? There’s a website for that. You’re depressed and struggling? There’s a therapist for that. You’re facing homelessness? There’s a government program for that. You’re infertile? There’s a book, a doctor, a diet, and an herbal supplement for that.

We are quick to Google our problems and the problems of our friends rather than taking a minute to sit in the difficult feelings. We want to see this problem solved because we like being part of a solution and we don’t want to see our friend suffering. But sometimes I’m afraid it’s more that we don’t want to SEE our friend suffering, not that we’re really all that passionate about their healing. If we can give a solution, then we won’t have to suffer alongside as you walk a difficult road. If you don’t take our solution, we’re absolved of having to care about your problem.

I know I struggle with wanting to delegate the hard stuff. If I hear someone is struggling with marriage challenges or mental health issues or wounds from their childhood, I want them to get some counseling. This is partly because I believe so strongly in the good work a therapist can do, but it can also be because I feel woefully inadequate to love a friend who is struggling. What if I say the wrong thing? What if they are dealing with emotions that seem overwhelming to me? What if they want a level of support I just don’t feel qualified to give? When I boil down those questions to their root, I see that I’ve made it much more about me and my fears than about the person who is hurting.

It can feel scary and overwhelming to love someone through their pain and struggle. As I’ve wondered what it looks like to do that well for my friends, I have thought about Jesus standing at Lazarus’s tomb.

Jesus knew Lazarus was going to die. He knew it before it happened and he knew he was the only one with a cure for death. He knew the pain death would cause Lazarus’s beloved sisters and I imagine he knew how hurt they would be that Jesus didn’t come earlier to be with them or to prevent it. Jesus didn’t need an app or an oil or a therapist or help from Google. He had access to all of the answers, which makes his response so striking.

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