My kids brought home report cards a couple weeks ago. My daughter (a Kindergartener) mistakenly thought they were called “reward cards” and was kind of bummed when we didn’t actually reward her for her grades. I know as parents, many of us want to find ways to reward our kids for academic performance in ways that will encourage them to do their best. If what works for your family is to reward grades, go for it. But for us, we’ve gone a different route.
I was a high-achieving kid who was internally motivated towards academic success. There wasn’t a reward my parents could offer me that would have made a difference in my performance because I was pretty terrified of failure. I did well because I had the ability to do well and was motivated to do well. Not every kid is wired that way and I’m learning to work with the strengths of my kids.
We could reward them for good grades, but what I’ve learned from looking at their report cards is that they are all working hard and doing their best. Depending on their intellectual abilities, their hardest work is going to result in different grades for each child. It doesn’t seem right to me to provide a reward based on a blanket standard applied to kids who have different kinds of intelligence and abilities. What I really want to reward are character and effort. There’s a better way to figure that out than via their report cards, especially in the early elementary school years.
I am more interested in deciding a reward based on the conversations we have at parent teacher conferences and through communication with their teachers throughout the year. That’s where I’m able to get answers to the questions that are important to me. Is my child kind? Is he a bully or does he work on including others? Is he respectful towards his teacher? Does she do her best? When she’s frustrated or confused, does she express that appropriately? If I feel confident my child is working hard and becoming a person of integrity, that’s worth rewarding.
As far as the actual reward, we have done small toys or a box of donuts for the family. We don’t want it to be anything too big and when we give it, we tell them exactly why they are getting a reward. We tell them we are proud of them for working hard, respecting their teachers, and being kind. We praise effort over achievement because only one of those aspects can they actually control. And we want to incentivize a good relationship with their teachers and peers even if they can’t have perfect grades.
I don’t know if I would have come to this decision if my kids were all my genetic progeny. I think my expectations would have been different. Because four of my kids are adopted, I have learned to watch them blossom in their own ways. I imagine it’s easy to think your child is doing well in school because you provided a rich learning environment in their preschool years, you read to them every night before bed, you diligently help with homework after school, and you reward their perfect spelling test grades with treats and prizes. I want to offer a bit of a perspective adjustment on that idea. It is entirely possible to do all of those things and end up with a child who doesn’t excel in school. And it’s entirely possible to have a child that is capable of getting perfect grades without much work and you’ve now rewarded their mediocre efforts.
I want my kids to own their academic performance. They can set goals they care about and be proud of their performance, but I don’t want them carrying the weight of my expectations. When it’s time for homework, it’s THEIR homework. I will help with questions, but I don’t give answers. If they don’t understand what’s being asked of them, that’s something I’ll communicate to their teacher. They do their homework before they get to go out and play and there isn’t an option of blowing it off. We prioritize finishing assignments and provide a supportive atmosphere for getting them done, but my pride in my kids and who they are doesn’t rest on their academic achievement. And they know that.
I don’t want my kids to come to see their test scores and grades as indicators of their worth or potential. I don’t want to see their grades as an indication of my parental success. I want my kids to be people of character. While that may sound altruistic, there’s evidence that positive social skills can predict future success better than even academic skills (You can read about the study here). Whatever jobs my children have, whatever roles they come to play in society, I want them to know how to care about others, how to be peacemakers, how to put other’s needs before their own, how to be respectful of authority and respectfully voice concerns. I believe that’s how they’ll make the most of whatever intellectual abilities they have. And that’s worth a box of donuts.