I have found that when you read an article on the internet, it is best not to read the comments. If you decide to read the comments, you are likely to lose your faith in humanity. While I don’t often read internet comments on random articles, I do read the comments left on my posts. Comments here are generally well thought-out, respectful and kind. While my blog is primarily read by moms, I recently had a post that inspired some men to leave comments, both here and here. I also saw many of the comments left on Facebook shares of this post. I decided not to get involved in arguments about the post anywhere other than on my actual blog and here in my own little corner of the internet I was going to respond as thoroughly as I could because this is an area I think people need to be educated about.
It was kind of a fascinating process. I was a little surprised at how many men want to defend porn. I spent lots of time pulling together responses, collecting resources, and entering into conversations with random guys on the internet. Random guys who are really passionate about porn. Here’s what I learned from those interactions:
Men are so defensive of porn, they can’t distinguish between adult use and a child’s use. I very clearly wrote a letter to my young children about how they can be hurt lifelong by porn use in their early years. Porn use by children creates a lifetime of problems, as has been documented by the American College of Pediatrics. And yet, I had man after man telling me how they use porn and it’s no big deal. While I don’t even agree with them that their adult use of porn is no big deal, I find it so odd they felt compelled to be defensive about something I wasn’t even addressing. Whatever your personal feelings about porn, we should all be able to get behind protecting little children from sexually explicit material.
Some guys have a hard time acknowledging it’s possible that they have been negatively impacted. Men really want to believe they can watch porn without it impacting how they view women. They are positive they can distinguish between reality and fantasy. I’m just not so sure. I have been reading more and more about women reporting that men in real life are initiating unpleasant and degrading sexual acts that are common in porn. I’m becoming convinced that while some men may be able to rationally understand that the scenarios presented in porn are fantasy, they may actually believe some of the more painful or disrespectful acts in porn would be enjoyable to women. Or maybe they’ve reached a point where they just don’t care if something is enjoyable to the woman. If you are regularly consuming a diet of porn, it may be a good time to stop and reevaluate how those lines are getting blurred.
Men want to believe women who are against porn are unattractive, nonsexual prudes. That fits the narrative better, right? I’m not going to get into a personal defense of myself here because quite frankly it isn’t relevant. My personal attractiveness has nothing to do with my ability to look at data and determine if something is harmful for my children. I am not against porn because I feel like I can’t compete with those women. I am against porn because it presents sex as something it isn’t and that hurts all of us. When men feel compelled to portray me as anti sex or unattractive, it confirms to me they have compromised their ability to differentiate between porn and real life. They have bought into the lie of porn that beautiful, sexy, progressive women are totally okay with porn and anyone who says differently isn’t a REAL woman anyway. It’s almost as though they don’t understand that sex– GOOD SEX– did exist before porn. Somehow the human race has been able to procreate, to express meaningful love, to enjoy full sexual expression before porn tried to tell us how we could be doing it “better” and created a culture of unrealistic (and damaging) expectations. This article about Gail Dines and her fight against porn is something everyone should read, but I find this quote particularly meaningful:
“The assumption that if you are a woman who hates pornography you are against sex shows how successful the industry is at collapsing porn into sex.” Would the critics of the employment practices and products at McDonald’s be accused of being anti-eating, she asks pointedly.
Men don’t want to believe that porn impacts women and women should have an opinion about it. Even men who agree porn is a problem aren’t thrilled about a woman addressing it. I think maybe that’s part of the reason porn has become as rampant as it has– women feel voiceless about it. We aren’t expected to talk about this, have an opinion about it, be educated about it and if we DO the general consensus is that we’re repressed and frigid. I can see why many women don’t want to talk about this, but I don’t think that excuses us from having the conversation. Even if GOOD men are the only ones talking about it, I think it is a lot easier for them to acknowledge watching porn is bad, but never acknowledge what it does to women. The women being brutalized in porn are actual human beings and because men are being brought up in a culture that commodifies them, I think it may be harder to have an appropriate level of empathy. Maybe having your mom or sister or wife talk to you about how porn impacts her, how it grieves her, will make a difference. (It is with a heavy heart I recommend the documentary “Hot Girls Wanted” if you want to see what it’s like to be an actress in porn today. It is absolutely one of the most disturbing things I have watched in my life.)
Men don’t think women understand porn. Some guys didn’t think I should be talking about porn, because how could I possibly understand it? I think these guys are giving porn too much credit. While I can’t understand the pull or addictive nature of porn because I have chosen not to engage in it, I am completely able to understand marketing, which is the foundation of porn. It is the marketing of sex and the commodification of bodies. I am able to do the research and see the capability porn has to harm my children. I know how living in a porn saturated culture has impacted me as a woman. The difference between what I understand about porn and what my husband understands about porn is EXACTLY why BOTH of us need to be involved in the conversation.
This is not your father’s porn. When men defend porn, in order to keep from just despairing about the state of manhood today, I have to convince myself that some guys don’t know what kind of porn our children may be exposed to. If you are an adult man today imagining that your child’s introduction to porn is going to be similar to yours, you’re probably wrong. This isn’t going to be some sneaking a peek at an uncle’s Playboy magazine. Children have access to the most disturbing, graphic, make you want to cry or vomit porn at their fingertips. They do not have the ability to understand what they are seeing and the shame may keep them from talking to someone about it. You may have the decency and perspective to understand there are elements of porn that do not reflect reality, but a child isn’t going to have that same understanding.
Dads don’t think they should talk to their daughters about menstruating. Okay, maybe this seems like a odd tangent, but it was surprising to me how often this came up. Men felt really passionately that only fathers and sons should talk about porn, just like only mothers and daughters should talk about menstruation. I’m not even going to pretend to understand this logic. First of all, women getting their periods is in no way exploitative of men, commodifying men, disrespectful of men, or devaluing men. If that were the case, men would have every right and responsibility to be talking to their daughters about how this impacts the men in their lives. Second of all, if my husband wants to talk to our daughters about getting their period, I welcome his input. I hope when they have cramps and are dealing with PMS issues, he will acknowledge how tough that can be and not just avoid them. His perspective on this topic will be very different from mine, but I am in no way excluding him from the conversation. I want him to model for them how a loving, respectful man deals with these issues. Men, talk to your daughters about puberty, about growing up, about menstruation. It’s not gross, it’s just life and you can help take away some of the stigma and shame by being comfortable about that topic with them.
Some men have been really wounded by porn. There were MANY men I just wanted to hug. They are the reason I talk with my young boys about porn. They have felt its sting. They have been wounded. They have seen the damage in their marriages. They want life to be different for their sons and daughters. I am incredibly proud of this group of men who are fighting back against a culture that implies ALL healthy virile men are able to enjoy porn in moderation with no negative effects. They fight an uphill battle against their own addiction, against a porn saturated culture, against the attitudes of society that this is no big deal. Keep fighting. I have so much hope that your voices will make a difference in how we view this issue. While my rantings about this topic may make people paint me as an overprotective, old-fashioned mom (someone even said “helicopter parent” which is hilarious if you know how I parent in real life), that is a more acceptable role in our society than to be a man who speaks against porn. Men are either supposed to enjoy it or not talk about it. Please don’t let your perspective and voice be silenced. My kids need men like you in this world to speak up for them. And if you’ve been negatively impacted by porn and haven’t gotten help PLEASE know that help is out there! (This book by Patrick Carnes is a good starting point, but any of his works are worth reading as he is an expert in this field.) Do some homework about resources in your area and then go take a risk and pursue them. It’s worth it.
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