Favorite 15 of 2015

In case you missed anything, I’ve compiled my favorite 15 posts of the year. Thanks for reading and being part of the community here!

Thinking About Having Another Baby? Don’t:  We have had six children not just because we really love babies, but because we wanted to raise people into adulthood. We wanted to instill our values and provide a safe and loving home for children who would use the foundation we’ve given them to become productive adults. Obviously, who they become as adults is their choice, but we want to give them the best springboard we can. We don’t want to make the decision about who to add to our family based on our desire for a baby, but on our ability to devote ourselves to the lifelong care and nurture of another person.

Spite Brownies and Parenting Philosophies:  They were aghast at the fact that I made brownies with the sole intention of denying them to a child. This child had previously eaten a donut that belonged to another child so this consequence made sense to me as a way to be sure that he didn’t have more sugar than he needed and as a way to communicate to his sibling that he wasn’t allowed to eat her food without some kind of response from me. But this strategy (passed around via Facebook) was deemed “wildly inappropriate.” Sigh. . . Public parenting is an unwinnable game. No wonder people are so gun-shy about expressing any picture other than total rosiness when it comes to how parenting is going.

To the Mom Doubting Her Vaccine Doubts:  Listen, I’m okay if you don’t even want to tell anyone. You don’t have to post a picture of your child at the pediatrician’s office. You don’t have to now love “Big Pharma” or run to get antibiotics at the next hint of a cold. Your friends and family don’t need to know what you’ve decided in order for the vaccines to be effective. They work in spite of our doubts or shame or conflicted feelings.

An Open Letter to The Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services:  With this policy change I feel as though the state has bought into the negative stereotype of foster parents with large families– the kids are dirty, uncared for, the parents are stressed and the only reason there are so many kids is because the foster parents are in it for the money. Do those families exist? I’m sure they do. They need to be dealt with on an individual basis and there needs to be a realization that ONE child in that kind of home is too many. It’s not about the number of kids, it is about the foster parent’s ability to love, bond, and meet the needs of children.

That Time my Eight Year-Old Said the F Word at Dinner:  . . . (jaw dropped. . . starring at him like a crazy person. . . kids are all happily eating hard boiled eggs having no idea that an eight year-old just casually said the worst word in the English language like he was discussing the latest happenings in the Pokemon universe). . . Ummmmmm. . . You know, Josh. . . I just never thought I’d hear you say that word. . . and you just now did. Right in front of all the babies that I hoped would never hear that word. But. Here we are. . .Okay. . .

Maybe Jesus was an Annoying Three Year-Old:  I imagine Mary got irritated with her son, even though he was sinless. I bet at times it was because there was a training or teaching issue she needed to handle and she was tired (I’m not a Biblical scholar, but I don’t think sinless means he was born potty-trained). And I bet at times it was because Mary had just kind of had it with this whole parenting thing because moms are people too and have our own struggles. As parents, we can respond to the typical non sinful behavior with sin of our own– anger, hurtful words, rolling our eyes– and we can do it in ways that puts the blame on our child. How often have I said, “You are making me so angry!” as though my frustration at a child accidentally dropping their peas is justified and only the fault of the toddler. –

The Unexpected Reproduction Conversation:  Here’s the deal– when Daddy and I got married, we promised to love each other forever, we gave each other rings, then we ate lunch with all our relatives, then we went away together and had sex. That is how you do things. Nobody takes any pants off until after you get married and have lunch with your relatives.

Why I Feel Self-Conscious When These Brothers Act Like Brothers:  These are my boys, but sometimes I feel like we have to be better than the average family just so people won’t make negative assumptions about us. I feel guilty for being stern with them because I imagine people think, “What poor little guys. First they’re abandoned and now this woman is mean to them.” I feel guilty if I let them get away with problem behavior because I imagine people thinking, “Those kids are out of control! That’s just how it goes with adopted kids. Next think you know they’ll be robbing liquor stores.” And that’s not even to take into account the assumptions people make about my kids because of their ethnicity.

Outraged at Planned Parenthood? Support Foster Kids:  You want to tell a woman considering abortion her child would be loved and wanted? Then be a foster parent who loves and wants the child for however long is needed. Support foster parents. Find ways to connect with foster kids. Volunteer, financially contribute, BE THE SAFETY NET these kids need when their mother’s decision to choose life doesn’t go the way she hoped it would. We can’t just ring our hands about how our society is going to hell in a handbasket based on the latest revelation from Planned Parenthood. People, GO GET THE HANDBASKET. THERE’S A CHILD IN IT.

“If My Husband Ever. . . “:  It’s not that we can’t offer wisdom to each other, but let’s just stop acting like we know what we’d do when the reality is that we don’t. You may actually possess the strength to forgive things you never thought you could forgive. When the need arrises, you might be tough enough to establish boundaries or consequences that you’d never dream of doing right now. You might have wisdom to handle things that seem impossible today. There might be a community that steps up to give you wise counsel when you need it most and it keeps you from jumping ship or burning bridges.

The Secret of Parental Happiness:  I am not advocating that we just give up on our kids and let them be free roaming, naked, heathens because what even is the point (although I have had my days). I’m just telling you that if you’re looking for the secret to parental happiness and contentment, it may just be giving up on the idea of parental happiness and contentment. This is what I think moms of large families have learned. This family took time and intentionality to create and during that time we’ve figured out that we can’t do it “right” all the time. When you’ve got three kids crying and they all want you to pick them up, you have to learn that you can’t please everybody or else you will go insane trying.

Talk to Your Kids About Sex. Today.:  I have heard the same story over and over again, “I was abused as a child and nobody gave me appropriate information about sex, so I don’t know how to talk to my kids about it and I’m scared that I’m going to damage them by bringing it up.” I just want to draw the connecting line between the abuse and the lack of knowledge for these parents. Obviously knowledge isn’t going to prevent every kind of abuse, but when we give our kids language and understanding about their bodies, we give them language to report abuse and understanding of what isn’t okay. This is how we teach kids to defend themselves in a hyper sexualized culture. I know it’s painful to try and bring up this topic when it carries that heavy weight for you, but just know it doesn’t yet carry that heavy weight for your child. But it MIGHT if you wait too long, until they already have sexual feelings and are feeling shameful about them because they don’t understand them.

For the Mom Who Hates Breastfeeding:  Let’s retire all the rainbows and unicorns and let those of us who did it even though we didn’t find it personally rewarding, emotionally fulfilling, and it didn’t really burn off our excess pregnancy pounds explain why it’s worth it. The women who find it wonderful (and who are capable of breastfeeding) will always be happy to do it. Let’s let the jaded and cynical among us make the case to those women who are struggling. I’m not sure the best thing we can do for them is to promise them it will get better. Maybe it won’t. But when did we women let a little thing like personal misery keep us from doing what’s right for our child? (Sarcasm! I promise!)

A Word to my Sons About Porn:  Porn will never turn you down. Porn will never have a fight with you. Porn will never ask you to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of on the counter. Porn will never get old, get stretch marks, or gain ten pounds. Porn will never have a headache. It can seem like the perfect companion when life with a real woman seems too complicated or when you feel rejected and angry. But porn asks a lot in return.

To The White Parents of my Black Son’s Friends:  I know that in a white family it is easy to use words like “colorblind” and feel like we’re enlightened and progressive. But if you teach your kids to be colorblind, they may not understand the uniquely dangerous situations my child can find himself in. If you tell your kids racism happened a long time ago and now it’s over and use my family as an example of how whites and blacks and browns can all get along together, you are not doing me any favors. Just because you haven’t seen obvious examples of racism in your own life doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.