Foster care is tricky business. There are a thousand potential pitfalls as you work to navigate relationships between you and the biological family, you and the child, you and the child’s team, and as you seek to support a relationship between the child and their parents. I am a person who loves language and values words, so being intentional about the words I choose has been an important part of building relationships in the foster world. I’ve been glad to see other foster parents have come across the same questions and concerns I have about what words to use in this unique situation. It’s taken me a lot of years to come up with words I feel comfortable with, so I wanted to share a couple of those with you.
Ask the child’s opinion. Depending on the child’s age, it is good to figure out what makes them feel comfortable as far as what to call you. In our group home days I was called Miss Maralee. While that was what worked in that environment, it did definitely mark our kids as group home kids when we were out in public. Although when there were just a few years age difference between me and then, I don’t think anybody was buying that I was their mom anyway. You don’t want to push a child to call you something that makes them uncomfortable. They may feel disloyal to a parent if you ask them to call you a familial name, but they may also feel uncomfortable around their peers if they call you a name that clearly identifies them as not a legal member of your family. A child may feel most comfortable calling you by a first name, calling you Mrs. LastName, or calling you by a family name. Give them options that are acceptable to you, get their opinion, and be prepared for that to potentially change over time.
“Mama loves you.” This is something I’ve said to all my foster babies as I put them to bed. It’s the last thing I whisper as I walk out of the room. It is one of the phrases that is good for the child to hear and also good for me to say because it reminds me of the reality of the situation. With the kids we have fostered and then adopted, it’s been especially poignant because when they were our foster kids I wanted to remind them and myself that they were loved by their mamas. As they transitioned into permanent members of our family, it was now true about me, as their mama. It’s a simple phrase with a lot of depth.
“My friend, . . . “ When we were working with teenagers in a group home, I felt really adversarial when I would refer to the boys’ parents as “YOUR mom” (as in, “YOUR mom can’t make it to see you today.”) It felt like one of those nasty stepparent relationships even when that wasn’t what was in my heart. But it also didn’t feel right to just refer to the parent by their first name when talking to the child. So I developed a habit of referring to the parent as “my friend” (as in, “My friend Jennifer called today and said she won’t be able to make it out.”) I found that the more I referred to them as my friend, the more it felt true. It also helped me to present a united front to the child and express support for the biological family. Now to do that 100% of the time would probably sound weird, but it was something I was intentional about doing regularly, especially when I was responsible to communicate a decision or news that I had discussed with the parent.
“Your daughter. . . “ It’s important to me to use language that communicates the reality that this child belongs to their biological family. So instead of saying, “Annie is a beautiful child” I want to say, “You have a beautiful daughter.” I want to reaffirm that they are the parent and this is their child I am caring for.
Here vs. At Home. When talking about locations it’s good to refer to the place the parent lives as “home” and the place where you live with the foster child as “here”. So I might ask, “Did she sleep with a nightlight at home because she seems to need one here.” The goal is to communicate that I know the child isn’t “at home” right now and the desire is that she gets back there.
Sometimes foster kids have two mommies. We have had uncomfortable moments when our foster children have come to an age where they are learning words and those “mama” and “dada” sounds are directed at us. It is especially likely to happen when a child joins a home where there are other children who call you mom and dad. This can be hurtful for biological families, but I don’t believe it’s reasonable to expect a 14 month-old child to call me Miss Maralee. I express to biological parents that kids often have multiple “grandmas” in their life that they love without confusion, so it’s okay for them to know there are two moms and dads in their world. My commitment is that I will refer to the biological parents as “mom” and “dad” when talking to the child so those words transfer over as needed.
Be honest and direct kids to answers. I want to acknowledge that as much as I try to be positive and use positive language about biological family, there are obviously times where those people have made choices that have negatively impacted this child. I refuse to lie to kids about their situation or the situations of their parents. When possible, I want to direct them to the source. When they ask me tough questions, my ideal is to point them to their parents, therapist, or a caseworker for answers. If that isn’t possible, then I will do my best to answer questions, but always with the caveat that just because people make unwise choices, that doesn’t mean we don’t need to love them. I take no joy in giving hard details to children and try to always speak honestly and at an age appropriate level. I also try to ask kids why they think a parent might have made that kind of a decision. Their wisdom even at a young age has been striking to me. They may have insights and make connections that you wouldn’t think they could understand.
Ultimately, it’s not about the words, it’s about the spirit behind them. I always want to be communicating love and support. How can I expect this child to love and value themselves if I’m communicating disrespect for their biology? Sometimes we don’t realize how much of an impact these words can make. My standard is to think about how I would want a foster parent to talk about me if I couldn’t be with my children. Wouldn’t it hurt to hear them talk about the new place as “home”? Wouldn’t I want to know they understood this was my child and supported that? Wouldn’t I want to be treated as a friend and not an adversary? Many times these families have been treated with a lot of disrespect over the years to the point that it’s difficult for them to respect themselves. We’ve got to do our part to help change that. We can’t accomplish that goal when we’re subtly (intentionally or unintentionally) undermining their role in their child’s life by using unsupportive language.
Any other foster parents have words you’ve used to help these relationships?
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