The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) seems to be a big thing these days, but maybe the bigger thing is FOBLO (Fear of Being Left Out). FOBLO moves beyond not being able to be where the fun is and implies motives– that other people don’t want us. We desperately want to be included and feel included in whatever fun is happening in our circles and thanks to social media, we often know fun is happening without us in realtime. I know this can be a hurtful situation– to find out you weren’t invited or to see friends having fun without you. Now, I’m not much of a feeler and I know that uniquely impacts my ability to brush off some of these FOMO feels. But it has also been a conscious choice for me to find an upside to not being invited. Since I know lots of us struggle to know how to navigate relationships in the age of peeking in on all the fun others are having, I wanted to share with you how I’ve tried to reframe the issue. This has kept me from feeling resentment or anger when I find out people are spending relational time without me.
-Be happy your friends have friends. I do not want to be the only friend of my friends. I want them to have other people who can offer them something different so I’m not expected to be the end-all be-all of relationships. When my friends have friends, that frees me up to also have lots of friends without pressure. And the friends of my friends become my friends, too! If I know you had a great time with a friend last week, that makes me like them and want us to all spend time together. When my friends invest in other relationships, they are doing some relational groundwork on my behalf, too.
-Don’t make assumptions. Just because I see a picture of two mutual friends having coffee together, that doesn’t mean they are now best friends and neither of them want to hangout with me anymore. They were probably not talking about all my worst traits over their lattes. They did not post that picture to try and hurt my feelings because they’re passive/aggressive jerks (If they ARE passive/aggressive jerks, why are you friends with them? Walk away, Sister). Maybe they are meeting to work out a conflict. Maybe they’re planning my birthday party. Maybe one was going through a rough time and thought the other might have some wisdom. People’s friendship choices are rarely going to be specifically about hurting you. And if they are, those aren’t your friends anyway.
-Support the friendships of other women. Is there someone I see loving my friend well? Is there someone that makes her laugh and she feels totally at home with them? Is there somebody who enjoys a hobby she’s passionate about? Great! I want my friend to be loved well and enjoy the company of others. This is not some competition where only one of us can be the most treasured friend. Friends exist for different seasons and different purposes. If you’re looking for a running buddy, I am not that guy. If my friend finds a running buddy, I am happy for her and love that she’s got someone to share that passion with. This is good for all of us. . . mostly because it means I don’t have to take up running.
-Be realistic. You can’t do everything anyway. This one is easier for me as an introvert/ambivert than maybe it is for others. If I see a group of my friends dressed in costumes with wine glasses in their hands, I may have a twinge of envy that they were having so much fun without me. Then I remember that I hate costumes, wild parties make me uncomfortable, and I rarely drink. Friends put on their fanciest dresses and get cocktails together? Yeah, that’s not me. Friends stayed out until 1 a.m. doing some hilarious karaoke? Enjoy, Ladies! No need to invite me. Now, there are definitely times I’ll do things I don’t love for the sake of the team, but I’m just NOT going to let myself feel sad that I wasn’t invited to something I WOULDN’T WANT TO DO ANYWAY. I’m thankful I have friends who know me well enough to not feel compelled to make me embarrass myself in ways I’d regret later. Want someone to come watch a movie at your house in their sweats? PICK ME! Wonder who to invite to sit in your backyard and drink lemonade and talk late into the evening? I’m your girl. The reality is you can’t invite everybody to every event and we all need to be okay with that.
-Use positive self-talk. If I hear that a friend got lunch with someone else and didn’t invite me, I have a choice to make. I can tell myself that nobody loves me or I can tell myself that it’s great that my friends have other friends and that doesn’t have to mean something negative about me. Here’s a way to think about it: What do you tell your kids when they don’t get invited? Do you tell them they’re probably boring and awkward and nobody likes them? Obviously not. Do you tell your kids that everybody who doesn’t invite them is a selfish jerk? I hope not. Give yourself the speech you give your kids. Tell yourself you’re great! Remind yourself you won’t always get invited to everything and that’s okay. Tell yourself that when it’s your party, you can invite anybody you want.
-Spice up your routine. Do you know the one time you can’t possibly NOT get invited? When you are the one doing the inviting! Making a point to get together with different friends can mean you aren’t depending on just a certain person or group to meet all your relational needs. If you feel like your friends are regularly doing things and not including you, maybe it’s a good time to invite some other people into your circle and be proactive about getting your relational needs met.
-Trust your friends. You may not always know why it seems like friends are getting together without you. Maybe someone is having a crisis and needs extra support from other friends and you aren’t involved. This is an important moment to trust that your friends love you and if you aren’t invited, that’s okay. There are a thousand reasons a friend might need a little space or might be pursuing other relationships or may be intentionally working to create a connection with someone who needs a friend. If this person is truly your friend, give them the space to create new relationships and trust them to still love you in the process.
-Be sensitive. If you are the one getting together without others, maybe you don’t have to publicly post a picture of it. If there’s a new relationship that is becoming more important and an old relationship that is not the priority anymore, just be aware of the hurt feelings that can happen and proceed with care.
-Be honest. If you are meeting for lunch with a new friend, you don’t have to lie about that. Decided to have dinner with two other couples? That doesn’t need to be a secret. A good friend is going to support your relationships and have vicarious fun when she knows you’re having fun. She’s going to want to know that you decided to invite three women to see a movie with you because you noticed those women didn’t seem to have other close relationships. She’s going to cheer you on for making those decisions. If you feel like you have to not be honest with someone about the state of your other relationships or how you’re spending your time, that is not a healthy relationship.
Ultimately I think it comes down to this: Do you want to be with people who don’t want to be with you? If someone didn’t invite you, then why would you want to be there? If your FOMO means you have resentment and anger towards people you consider friends, you need to figure out where the problem lies. Are these people actually jerks who are not your real friends or is it that you don’t know how to be appropriately supportive of your friends and their other relationships? This may lead to some uncomfortable questions, but I think they’re questions worth asking.
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