First things first: I am not an athlete. I’m not coordinated. I hate running. I have never exercised regularly outside of the requirements of parenting active kids. And also I hate diets and refuse to count calories. Refuse.
So what I want to talk to you about is not an exercise regime or diet plan or six easy steps to achieving your ideal weight. I just want to share with you how I’ve moved from having a contentious relationship with my body to achieving some sense of peace. For me, that has involved Refit.
I started attending Refit classes (it’s an exercise dance class in the same vein as Zumba or Jazzercise) a little over a year ago with a friend of mine. I was horrible. I still am horrible. My brain and my feet do not believe in communicating and if you want to get my arms involved. . . forget it. I’m a mess. But I persevered, not because I wanted to lose weight or because I wanted to become better at dancing, but because I was having fun and I knew it was good for me– body and soul. I wasn’t great at it, but there were other women who weren’t great at it either and we were in it together. People were laughing. And for one solid hour my brain wasn’t thinking about the needs of my kids or my husband or my friends or my job. I was just entirely focused on not falling down.
I really struggle with living in the moment. It is not a strength of mine. I am aware of this to the point that when there are moments I know I SHOULD be living in (like the birth of my child), I have to consciously repeat to myself “Be present. Be present. Be present.” because otherwise I will start thinking ten years down the road or focusing on how to solve world hunger or something totally irrelevant to the magic happening in front of me. But when I’m struggling to just remember how to move my arms THIS way while my feet are going THAT way I am totally present in the moment. For one full hour I can’t worry/plan/dream/scheme about anything and that’s amazing for me.
During that hour I am able to push my body to do things I didn’t know it could do. I am challenging it in new ways. I’m amazed by the strength I see in the women around me and in myself. I hear the lyrics to songs that touch me in a new way because I am having to be so present. I have cried many times during Refit because when my body is so physically taxed, my emotional defenses come down. I’m not able to dodge some of the feelings I’ve been holding back through the day and I’m just lunging and squatting and crying.
A couple months ago my normal class (that happened in a church basement) was cancelled and a friend and I tried several different locations. One of those locations was an actual dance studio. . . WITH MIRRORS. This gave me some bad flashbacks to my previous dancing experiences. In case you doubted my assertions about a lack of coordination, it is well documented through my three years of Show Choir experience. I was so bad that dances had to be choreographed around my lack of ability. I regularly felt humiliated in a group that primarily consisted of girls who had been dancing since they were young. It felt like having my failures and weaknesses exposed on a daily basis and as much as I loved singing and being part of a team, I hated the dancing. I hated the uncoordinated girl I saw in those mirrors, frantically trying to pretend to be something she wasn’t.
Walking into a dance studio felt terrifying. I spent the first 45 minutes doing everything I could to avoid making eye-contact with myself in those mirrors. I watched other people in the mirrors, I watched my feet, I watched the instructor, but I couldn’t look at myself. And then it happened. I caught sight of myself out of the corner of my eye. And I was shocked. Because I WAS HAPPY. There was a smiling woman there looking back at me. She wasn’t ashamed and she wasn’t pretending. She was still terrible at dancing, but she was having fun and she was happy.
So that’s how Refit has helped me get my body back. It’s not “back” in the sense that it has returned to some pre pregnancy, 19 year-old perfection. It is “back” in the sense that I am reclaiming it. I’m taking it back. I’m not letting my own shame about my imperfections have my body, or society’s assumptions have my body, or even allowing my children to have my body for that one hour. I’m owning that this is a strong body that is capable of learning. It is worthy because it is mine not because it has to meet some cultural standard of perfection. I’m not comparing what it can do to the bodies of the women around me and finding either comfort or shame. I’m just enjoying my body because it’s mine and I can have fun without having to try and cover up my failures and inadequacies. I can embrace my lack of coordination and still enjoy myself.
I don’t know what it might take for you to experience this kind of health. Maybe it would be a jog around the neighborhood or even a good nap or maybe you DO need to sign up for your own Refit class, but I’d encourage you to invest in yourself. Take care of yourself and be thankful for your body. I have seen how even that one positive step towards health of just an hour a week has made me take better care of my body in other ways (and yes, I have lost more weight than I anticipated because of these changes, even though that wasn’t the goal). I have seen the positives of modeling that self-care for my kids and allowing my husband to bless me by his own prioritization of that time for me.
This has been a healing process for me. Parts of my heart have experienced deep change that I didn’t know was possible. Wounds that had healed weird and scabbed over funny have been uncovered and stitched back together in ways that have allowed me to forgive myself and have compassion for the woman I was. Making peace with my body is making peace with myself and it’s an ongoing journey for me. I’d love for you to experience this healing, too.
(I’d love to hear what has helped you take YOUR body back? Share in the comments, if you’re feeling brave.)
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