Dear Children,
There seems to be some fundamental confusion about the purpose and limitations of some common household objects. To help clear all this up, here is a list you may find useful.
Things That Are Not a Trashcan:
My hand
My pants pocket
Under your seat in the van
Between the couch cushions
Your pillowcase
The hamper
Your socks or underwear
My coffee mug (full or empty)
The sink
The dresser or bookshelf or potted plant
The floor NEXT TO THE TRASHCAN
Under your bed or under the couch
Your mother’s purse
Your pillowcase
The toilet
Things That Are Not a Hamper:
The bookshelf
The top of your dresser
Your backpack
The front porch, front yard, sandbox or bushes
My bed
Behind the bed, in the bed, next to the bed, under your pillow, your pillowcase
Between the couch cushions, under the couch
The trashcan
The toy bin
THE AREA DIRECTLY AROUND THE HAMPER
The van
The dining room table, kitchen table, kitchen counter
My purse
Under the sink
The toilet
The stairs
Your parent’s bed or bedroom floor
Things That are Not Food:
The stick from your corndog
A gum wrapper
Your favorite blanket
A rubber bracelet
Your shirt sleeve
The paper from your cupcake
Books (yours or anyone else’s)
Money
Hair (yours or anyone else’s)
Crayons, pen caps, erasers, sidewalk chalk or any other art supplies
Your necklace
MY necklace
Rubber bands or hair elastics
The soap, washcloth or anything else found in the bathtub
The dog’s food (while it is food, it is not meant for you)
Fingernails or toenails (yours or anyone else’s)
Toothpaste (no matter how fruity it is flavored)
Leaves, rocks, sticks, garden snails or dirt
Legos, Barbie shoes, bouncy balls, any other toys (even if they are play food)
Body parts (your own or anyone else’s)
Anything found on the ground (even if at one point it may have been food)
Poop (yours or anyone/anything else’s)
Pre chewed gum of unknown origin
Socks (either on your feet or off)
Anything found in a diaper (even if it looks like food or clearly used to be food)
Lipstick or chapstick
Things That are Not Playground Equipment:
Mommy’s bed
Your dresser
The kitchen counter
Your Father
The roof of a vehicle
The kitchen table
The toilet
The porch railing or stair railing
The fridge door or shelves
The shower curtain or bathroom sink
Your siblings
The grocery cart or grocery store shelving
The church water fountain
The reclining seat in the van
Your Mother (especially if she is napping)
The shelves in the closet
Some Further Points of Clarification:
The dog is not a pony.
The hamper is not a toy box.
The wall is not a napkin, kleenex or coloring book.
The curtain is not a swing or a hand towel.
The wall is not for coloring.
The cord is not a teething toy.
The dog is not a chew toy.
The built in shelves are not ladders.
The poop is not finger paint.
Your penis is not a water gun, sword, handle or lightsaber.
Your pencil is not a toothpick.
Your shirt is not a napkin or kleenex.
The trampoline is not a gladiator arena.
The kitchen drawers are not steps.
The toy cars are not roller-skates.
The kitchen is not an all-you-can-eat buffet.
The bank is not a place with free money.
Your butt is not an instrument.
The bathtub is not a potty.
The living room is not an ice rink.
The litter box is not a sand box.
Your fruit is not a weapon.
The van is not a coat closet or toy box.
Your face/body are not a canvas for coloring.
The trashcan is not a toy box.
Mom is not a kleenex.
The table is not a stage.
Your potty chair is not a hat.
Your mom is not a maid.
(This post is filled with contributions from my fellow moms in the trenches. Thanks so much for being part of my community and sharing in this beautiful mess of parenthood!)