When it comes to parenting, I think realistic expectations are an important part of maintaining your sanity. This is doubly true for foster parenting. Foster parents may have expectations of what their foster kid can do that put an unfair burden on that child. When we confront those expectations (even the subconscious ones) we can give our foster kids the freedom to be themselves. So what is it that we might expect from our foster kids that they just can’t do?
Your foster child can’t be expected to be grateful. If you know the circumstances your foster child came from, it seems natural to assume they will be happy to be removed from that environment. They may have gone from an unsafe and neglectful home into your loving care. Maybe they were often hungry or witnessed domestic violence or were responsible for caring for younger siblings even though they were just little ones themselves. You imagine they will be so thankful to no longer have those burdens and worries, but we forget that that life was normal to them. They have been removed from what felt familiar and placed into a foreign land of new rules and roles. There may be gratitude at some point down the road or gratitude for some things while they are frustrated at other elements of living with you. If you get into foster care thinking you are rescuing a child and they will thank you for it, you may be setting yourself up for frustration.
Your foster child can’t make you feel better about yourself. If you were inspired by “Annie” or “Punky Brewster” to be an advocate for a child in need and you expected that this would make you feel more fulfilled or satisfied with your life, you may be disappointed. Caring for kids from trauma is hard and exhausting work and instead of making you feel like a good person, it can make you feel like a failure. Even if you used to consider yourself a good parent, this stuff can make you question that assessment as you deal with a child who doesn’t respond to your usual ways of parenting.
. . . Click through to read the rest at Her View From Home. . .