The best math teacher I ever had was Mrs. Vercellino my junior year of high school. I always wanted to do well in math, but every year was a struggle because it just didn’t come naturally to me. Mrs. Vercellino saw my desire to figure this stuff out and opened up her classroom to me an hour before school started so I could ask her my questions and finally Algebra 2 started making sense. When I was thanking her for her help she told me that she had struggled with math in school, which is why she wanted to become a math teacher. That was a lightbulb moment for me. She was able to speak my language and teach me the way I needed to be taught because it had been a struggle for her, too.
I tell you that story to explain why I wanted to talk about how we walk with our friends in crisis. Being a good friend does not really come naturally to me. I am not a feelings person, so friendship in general can feel complicated to me and then you add in the big feelings of a crisis moment and I’m lost. I have had to do a lot of reading and talking to other people to try and get a handle on how to do this without being an insensitive jerk and I still definitely have my insensitive jerk days. I am sharing what I’ve learned not out of a place of having this all figured out or because it just comes so easily to me, but because it has been a hard learning curve, I’ve done it wrong plenty of times, and I’ve had it done wrong to me and learned from the pain I experienced. So hear all this coming from a heart of humility and I hope it will be helpful to you, especially if you’re someone that needs their own Mrs. Vercellino of friendship.
Here is the link to my radio interview and below it I will add some additional thoughts and resources.
-People have said dumb stuff to me in the face of really painful times. I KNOW I have said dumb stuff to my friends in an attempt to identify with them or give some nugget of “wisdom.” I have been thankful to find that when someone loves you, it’s okay when they say dumb stuff because you know their heart. And I’m pretty sure dumb comments accompanied by food can’t stick in your memory. Anything said while handing off a casserole gets handled with a lot of grace. Don’t be too afraid of saying the wrong thing that you end up saying nothing, unless you actually don’t know and love the person, then don’t risk stepping in it just to try and interact with their trauma.
-I recommend getting educated as part of how we help someone in a crisis. I want to admit this can be a little dicey. Let me explain:
Good = “I want to understand what you’re going through. Can you point me to some resources you think would be helpful? Is there a go-to book your doctor/therapist/support group recommends? Is there a website of helpful resources I should look over?”
Bad = “I googled your problem and I think if you just did XYZ it would be solved.”
I want there to be a quick fix and I want to be the one that offers it, so (especially as someone who loves research) I want to make myself the expert. That is just not helpful about 99% of the time. I want to be educated so I can become a better listener and I can ask better questions, not so I can impose a treatment plan. My good friend has Type 1 diabetes, so that’s something I read about regularly and want to understand, but with all the reading I do it will never equal her 20+ years of life experience, specialist visits and education. She is the expert on her own issues and I need to respect that.
-AH! You can hear my dog bark! Sorry about that. That’s Barkley. He’s very well behaved, but he thinks he’s a doorbell and when someone comes to the house, he does that yip.
-During a particularly tough time recently, I recruited some support. I told these women that I needed to talk about some hard things going on, but also that I wanted them to bring their own stuff. This was a new concept for me– that the person sharing their pain would feel more comfortable if other people were willing to share their own pain, too. Maybe that seems obvious, but as previously mentioned, I’m not great at this stuff. In the past I might have felt like that was a self-centered way to respond, and it certainly CAN BE if we hear someone’s grief and say, “Oh yeah? You think that’s bad?” and launch into our own story. You’ve got to find that balance of listening, empathizing and sharing that creates a healthy dynamic of support and encouragement.
-I feel VERY strongly about the importance of discretion when dealing with hard things. People in pain are very vulnerable and not by their choice. When we exploit that by pushing them to give us the gory details we may not be helping their healing process. They may even give us the information we want, but come to regret it when the heat of the moment wears off. We need to be okay with someone sharing a big picture problem without going into all the specifics. Phrases like “Please pray for my marriage.”, “We’re struggling with our son.”, “My sister has made some poor decisions.” can be enough to let us know we can pray, but we don’t need to push for more information. Letting your friend know you’re available if they want to talk more or asking if they have people who are helping them work through this can be ways to say that we care and want to be sure they have accountability somewhere without inserting ourselves in an unhealthy way. As an example: If you’ve spent any time reading this blog, you know there is an infertility issue in my marriage, but only a select group of my actual friends know exactly what that issue is. It’s just not necessary for everybody to have that information. It is possible to be vulnerable, open and transparent about your struggles without feeling exposed in an unhealthy way. Boundaries are your friend, especially for someone in the midst of a major crisis. Those boundaries need to be respected and supported.
-Some additional resources:
I’ve been really blessed by my friend Michelle and her wisdom on dealing with grief and how we support each other. She has lost two sons (one right after birth and one at age 4) and her perspective is beautiful and important. I recommend reading her thoughts on walking with a friend in grief and just perusing her blog to learn from her.
I referenced Jen Hatmaker’s book “For the Love” and her chapter on dealing with toxic people. You can find a version of that chapter here.
-This little article was perspective changing for me when I first read it several years ago. I often remind myself “comfort in, dump out” when talking to a friend who is hurting.